manifesto monday : a dreamy life

these days i work nine to five in a grey cubicle. if i turn my head one hundred degrees to the right,
slightly kinking my neck, i can see out a window...where i see another building.
it's been a while since i've found myself in this sort of place: punchcard, deadlines, eating lunch at my desk, etc.

as expected, the first few weeks unhinged me a bit, especially the scheduling part--
where did my days go? how would i keep up my creative projects/outlets?
my violin was sadly neglected, and my callouses were on the verge of disappearance.
cooking consisted of toast and smoothies (thank goodness for a vitamix christmas gift).
exercise went from six days a week to two days a week.

i know you've all been there.
busy.
grey cubicle.
new job learning curve.
struggle for balance.

the balance is coming.
finally signed up at a yoga studio for regular classes.
making deliberate schedules and time for violin, cooking, and...

starting a business.
which involves: textile vendors in new zealand, a local factory, a pattern maker, market research,
working with designers on branding, and convincing investors that our idea is brilliantly fool-proof.

what is it? for now, i will tell you it is a dream coming to life.
(if you follow me on instagram you'll know more about it).

sweet dreams are coming as i find my way through this sweet life.

happy monday, dear readers. what are you doing to make sweet dreams?

taking time to let this autumn mood settle in : via john keats's "to autumn"

i woke up to a drizzle of raindrops, and went on my run through the sycamore-canopied streets in the dark...not knowing how thick the sky was with clouds--though i did notice i could not see the stars.
i drove to work before any warm light of the sunrise had appeared, but as the sky barely began to light i noticed low misty clouds settling at the base of the mountains, and heading straight up the canyon...
where the snow has started to fall. the first snow. it's here...up there in the mountains.

as usual, there is lots on the to-do list today, but i'm feeling a need to take a break--
to let this autumn settle into my heart. i've been so busy i've hardly had time to enjoy the leaves
changing in the mountains. there's been no baking of pumpkin spice nor has there been any
butternut squash soup. it's been a busy fall, and so now i'm soaking in this gray sky and its mists.

i'm dreaming too. i'm letting myself drift for a bit away from now. i'm imagining future days ahead.
i think about a home--because every fall i feel like i'm ready to put roots down in a small
home with wood floors, white walls, and big windows. i'm ready to have a kitchen to heat up spiced milk while reading ecological, botanical, and musical articles. i'm ready to have an office space to organize, create spreadsheets, make phone calls, and create business cultures that flourish. i'm ready to put pumpkins out on my porch, and set up the gravestones we made last year for halloween. i'm ready to crush up fennel seeds to make my favorite homemade ice cream. i'm ready to see my books stored and organized for me to browse through in the evenings...

but i'm feeling that "miles to go before i sleep" sensation. all of that sounds so comforting right now, and so i'll let it comfort me. because some day i'll have my roots planted. and now...back to now. back to studying in my small little room. back to trying to manage the clutter. back to taking one step at a time. back to appreciating a cup of licorice tea. back to appreciating arvo part's "my heart's in the highlands" piping through my headphones. back to this lovely gray sky and the snow that i know is somewhere up there in the mountains.

thinking about today : it's about gratitude, not anxiety

i get anxious about today: what's on my to-do list? are the little things going to effect the big things?

how is today going to change my tomorrow, my future?

lately i've been better about such anxieties, reminding myself that today is simply that, today.

i'm happy to get one thing done on my checklist. i'm happy if i get one thing done that wasn't on my list either. my checklist has grown to an impressive length, and, honestly, i usually get more done than i give myself credit for. i just think it helps to have the expectation of completing one big task. 

so i go about my list as realistically as i can, and i remind myself that my reality is not someone else's reality. i get to choose what's important and what's not. today it wasn't that important to make the bed.

tomorrow i will probably feel differently as i eventually need more order and cleanliness to concentrate on my studies and other tasks.

but, it's true. today is here. tomorrow, never. it's nice to get a lot done today. it's nice to be motivated today. it's also nice to take a nap today, or take time to sit with my little herb garden while the sun is out.

it also helps to have friends willing to take breaks from their busy lives to meet up with you to chat.

this morning i was lucky to have a skype date with my dear norwegian friend, marte {le voyage creatif}.

she's fabulously creative as she is writing, shooting photographs, designing, traveling, studying.

we've both been anxious about a project we're working on together. we never seem to have enough time today, and we worry that today will slip away from us.

but after our morning chat i am quite confident that today is always here. it will never leave us.

if it doesn't happen today, it will eventually happen today.

meanwhile we're both on happy paths to where we want to be. exciting paths. challenging paths. unknown paths. 

i for one am grateful for today, exactly as it is, incomplete checklist and all.

because i have completed part of my list, and have truly enjoyed this day.

onward to another today.

oxford, a b&b, and how i danced

yesterday i was browsing through some photos on my phone,

and i stumbled upon these images that i snapped on our way

out of this bed & breakfast where we stayed in oxford...

it reminded me of the second greatest moment in my entire life

{second, of course, and predictably, to my wedding day}.

the best moment in my life happened this summer.

it came after years of self-doubt, and across a deep ocean of fear that i was drowning in.

all summer long i worked as hard as i could at oxford.

i researched, wrote, researched, wrote, researched...and wrote.

i was terrified that i would fail; that i would be "exposed" as

a "wanna-be" and a "fake"; that i would be kicked out of academia for ever and ever.

half-way through my time there i finally realized that even if i did fail

what would it matter any way? i could either try again, 

or find something else just as wonderful and beautiful.

so i gave in and let go a little more of fear,

and kept on spending hours in the library and with my laptop.

as my summer at oxford was coming to an end

i was becoming anxious to see ceej after six long weeks apart...

but i was absolutely terrified of my final tutorial with my professor.

i was sure he was going to be disappointed with all of my work,

and tell me that i was a disgrace to the institution and blah, blah, blah.

ceej arrived on the same day that i was to have my final tutorial.

i waited at the bus station in the cold for over an hour for ceej to make is way to oxford from london, 

not being able to communicate via cell or internet.

i thought i had my eyes peeled the entire time, but he still managed to sneak up on me...

best surprise of the entire summer!

i had to keep ceej awake so he could deal with jet-lag...so i took him to the ashmolean museum

where i dropped him off, hoping he'd find his way back to lincoln college when he was finished.

i hurried back to meet with my professor for the final tutorial.

my stomach was a mess. nervous. nervous. nervous.

i was prepared to hang my head in shame.

as our meeting started i was instantly relieved.

my professor had so much praise for my research and writing.

we laughed and ooh'd and ah'd at the great poems i had dissected, analyzed, and interpreted.

i think it would be safe to say that we were both giddy as we talked.

of course, my research wasn't perfect, but he gave me priceless advice and encouragement.

i will never, ever forget this moment.

i ran straight back to my flat, hoping that cj was there and not lost in the city.

he was there, waiting for me...i immediately started dancing right then and there,

and told ceej my good news:

i was not a "fake" and i had done incredibly well, despite every fear and insecurity i have ever had.

i needed that day, that moment, that professor. 

watershed moment indeed.

i no longer worry about failing--if i fail i know i can try again and again and again until i get it just right.

i haven't always devoted myself to what i want because fear stood broadly within my heart,

but i think i have given fear a good punch in the gut, and he's still lying on the floor to this day.

after my dance and explanation to ceej we headed to our b&b: the old parsonage hotel.

it was magical. i was in oxford with my love, with news of my success, and a place to rest

my head after such an incredibly hard, but beautiful summer studying at oxford.

i'm going back. next time to pursue my doctorate. just watch me. even if i have to punch fear in the gut twenty more times.

{p.s. you should check out the photos of the old parsonage hotel's website...they're incredible}

checking in with the heart : how life has it all

how does quiet stir a heart so much? i give myself some down time,

and quickly i can't decide if life is incredibly wonderful, or if i am 

ready to cry because of that eternal constant sadness that gives life beauty.

i want to shout hallelujah's of joy because, yes, my life is full of joyful gifts:

i live by the mountains, in an honest desert, i have someone to share my life with,

i've traveled all around this world and experienced new geographies and cultures,

my afternoon breaks consist of listening to this and this, 

i get to teach music {life's true pulse} to little kids, i spend my summers with

great minds at beautiful campuses, we ride bikes along lovely country roads,

i get to play the piano and i'm learning how to play the violin,

i'm starting a band, like-minded women will be meeting at my home to

discuss women in ancient and sacred texts {texts of all kinds}, when i can't sleep

i knit and listen to therapeutic music, there are fresh raspberries in my fridge,

...so why this underlying sadness that seems to be built into my dna?

i don't think i'm asking to be rid of the sadness...it's this sadness that makes

me appreciate all the beauty around me--i couldn't see it without this heartache.

what is my heart aching over? i'm not quite sure. it's just there. 

and it is here this morning. i woke early this morning, despite my excitement last night

to finally be able to sleep in...turns out my heart had to talk to me this morning.

have you ever had a heart-to-heart with your heart?

still dark outside, i got myself a glass of milk,

plugged my headphones into the laptop so i could listen

to music without waking ceej. 

i bundled up in a down blanket, and gathered my knitting project to my lap.

all i can think about these days is sitting by a mountain lake,

or, even better, rowing a canoe in a mountain lake

in foggy weather, wearing a hand-knit sweater and my wellies,

reading john keats out loud...why does this thought simultaneously

bring me so much joy yet so much heartache? why such sadness

attached to such beautiful images?

i actually think keats has already answered this for me:

"ay, in the very temple of delight

veiled melancholy has her sovran shrine,

though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue

can burst joy's grape against his palate fine;

his soul shall taste the sadness of her might,

and be among her cloudy trophies hung."

this is my experience exactly...that in those very moments of joy

is melancholy...they truly are inseparable. this is why when i

have the most bliss-filled dreams and experiences i am also filled

with sorrow for all of the unfulfilled dreams and for all of the hurt

that i and my loved ones have ever been through. this is life.

all of it.

this life of mine and how it's moving

my head and my heart finally found some peace and perspective

in the desert over the weekend. lots of thanks to ceej and dear friends

for allowing me to talk about anything and everything,

and more thanks to ceej for being our guide in such a beautifully awe-some place.

there was a midnight camp setup, sunny mornings with hearty pancakes & hash browns,

walks through chilly river waters, and gazing up and up and up at sandstone walls

that towered high above us, alcoves where ferns grew happily, breaks to

clear out the rocks and sand from our sandals, and pushing the car multiple times

as we battled a dying battery out in the middle of nowhere...none of us were ever

worried as i think we were secretly hoping to get stranded in the middle of nowhere

for an extra day or two if "need be." and, of course, sunsets were magnificent and miraculous.

my life these days in one of gentleness...mostly with myself.

i am catching my thoughts as they try to destroy my heart and worth

and turning them to thoughts that are real and free of old views.

i am learning that i am myself and my own experience, and i get to choose what that looks like.

many of you have succeeded at creating your own reality,

one that is full of life, finding joy and accepting the sorrow {please do share your secrets}.

i am moving forward into a world of writing, writing fiction to tell my truth:

a truth of the earth, of this life, of women, of journeys of immigration, and violins

{yes, violins often speak the clearest truths i have ever heard}.

i am writing what seems impossible to write...but how exciting it is. how hard it is.

i am finally admitting what this world is to me, and how wondrous and sublime it is.

someday, when i finally work the words out of me, i will meet you all face to face,

as i really am, seeing you how you really are. this is a journey i am absolutely in love with.

i am moving into a life that looks more simple:

simple meals with real food that take only minutes to make and minutes to clean up;

keeping empty spaces in my home, creating places of physical silence to allow for thinking;

letting go of an era of theme parties and "extravaganzas," welcoming an era of conversation

accompanied with a glass of water or a cup of tea...no more days spent cooking and preparing;

allowing people to move on with my deepest desires for their happiness in their journey--

that is no longer my journey;

spending less time with projects that are distractions from the real projects i want to pursue;

embracing the idea of "one at a time" rather than overwhelming myself and others with a

long list of ____________.

i think i am pursuing an optimistic peace that has been sitting patiently at the back of my heart.

a peace that lets me sit through the sorrow with both tears and a little smile,

a peace that lets me sing how much i love this earth, how very very much i love storms and mountains and the desert and words and mornings and afternoons spent studying a time long gone and how much awe comes over me when the sun has set but it's still light outside and that light comes in through my windows and warms the dead flowers in my vase that i can't seem to throw away because they are incredibly beautiful to me as they droop and dry out.

now, i must find all the ways to allow this peace to come to the forefront and to thrive.

{photo by cj}

how the weather brings me outside to sit with blossoms while also avoiding hungry little bees

i'll tell you that writing outside is pretty much as lovely as it gets.

i'll also tell you that i will be sad to see my wild dandelion lawn

get mowed over this weekend...seems the landlords don't appreciate "wild."

a wild atmosphere is just what i needed for my writing...not that i got much done.

but i did write. which is progress for this perfectionist-on-the-mend.

i also have been getting to know my tudor and stuart britain (in prep for oxford this summer)...

lots about gentry, nobleman, fights over scotland, but not over ireland;

and i'm just now getting into the good stuff: women, childbirth, life and death.

to top it all off, i get to listen to a wonderful british accent read the "faerie queen"

as i read along (thank goodness, because i get tripped up when i have to mentally

switch u's with v's and i's with j's...oi). thank. goodness. for. audio. books.

i must admit that taking breaks from the ol' intertube (aka: internet)

is a breath of fresh air this wonderful spring season.

i may or may not be back tomorrow...depends on the weather.

note to self: blossoms sure are pretty, but they attract huge-mongous bees looking to feed their queen

where i've been : enjoying my new work space and writing to my heart's content

hello there. i've been away taking a little vacation from blogging.
i've been enjoying writing in this workspace that ceej helped me put together...
he built the table, made the pin board and the chalk board...
and there's more furniture he built to show, and there's more on the list to build.

i've been writing and working with photographs.
our writing group's first meeting was this last sunday,
and it's exactly what i needed : inspiration and motivation and support.
i've been going through old polaroids...seriously, remind me why they stopped making this film again?

we go back and forth between winter and spring here.
at the moment winter is sending us her lightest snowy flakes.
hope your week is going well.

scheduled writing

i've given myself deadlines...finally.
i'm diving head-first into the world of writing.
i figured i've thought enough about writing,
and it was time to get real.

so i'm starting with two short articles,
and have started a writing group
{our first meeting in just over a week!}.
i'm kind of excited about our writing group
because we've decided that there will
be singing of songs at the end of each meeting.
how fun is that?! very.

i will be the greatest benefactor of this writing group for sure...
there's so much brain and so much heart in these other women,
and they've easily read thousands of pages more than i.
so i am excited to learn from more experienced pens.

hooray for deadlines and wonderfully brilliant women!

learning to be grown up & brave

i knew that this week was going to be full of change...
scary, but oh so good.
change can be stressful, don't you think? it's hard to tell
people that you're changing...though maybe on some levels
you're not really changing who you are, but you're throwing
out your ol' pal "fear." yup. today is the day...

but it all started monday with the blues...the kind of blues
where you finally say "whoa, horsey! i don't like this. i'm tired. i'm done."
and then it gets scary...thinking of all the people you'll let down
with necessary, but physically hard, conversations.
i think it's most difficult to tell people "i won't" instead of "i can't."
oh how i thought of all the wonderful, "legitimate," stories i could
tell so that people would pity me, rather than be disappointed...or even angry.

so i decided this week i was going to be a grown up, full of courage and logic...
all so i can get back to that part of me that is wistfully but deeply imaginative.
there were readings of books that remind me how easy it is to betray one's self;
there was a meeting with a stranger who asked me just the right questions to
make me move now, rather than later;
there was a drive up a beautiful canyon with a wonderful friend who has now joined
the ranks of mothers...and she let me practice telling people that "i won't."

today. today i fretted, and practiced my "speeches."
i worked. i worried. i worked. worried, worried, worried...sort of.
i felt the grown up in me rise. i'm practical. i'm logical. i'm capable. i'm honest.
so, i went to my scheduled hair appointment (which i haven't had one in 1.5 years),
dreading the "usual" terrible outcome when communication between me and the
stylist goes completely, terribly wrong and i smile and say i like it, but
cry as soon as i'm in the car.
BUT the graces are on my side today it seems...best haircut ever. easy...and lots
of scalp and hand massages...just what i needed for a difficult conversation.

i drove to my best support...ceej. i needed him next to me as i made
a very difficult phone call to say "i won't."
ceej sat by my side as i became a grown up and found some courage.
i was kind. i was persistent. and it ended. i finally felt what it felt like to
be brave and honest and kind all at once.
this is a good change indeed...

of course difficult times are ahead for me,
as is any new path, but this path i believe in.

am ready for a weekend with sister #3 and friends
while sister #3 runs a half-Ironman race {preparing for a full IronMan in a month!}.

sending courage and kindness your way.
see you on monday.

what a good snow fall, night with friends, fresh flowers, and late night talks can do for a weepy soul

my, oh my, how lovely you all are. what do you say we all move in on the same block so i can see your generous faces every day? i think it's a great idea.

i had some good ol'-fashion-cry-those-soft-but-deep-tears sessions over the past couple of days. and quite a good dose of laughing too. you were right--lots of upheaval going on around here as everything is new, new, new {except for our 1960s house that simultaneously charms while i bump my head constantly on the copper range hood...looks pretty, but doesn't always function ideally}.

i kept quiet for a while...waiting to make sure i knew a bit more about my discomfort...because, really, who likes to flip out about something when it's really not the something that's truly bothering you? so, quiet was my mood.

then it all came out...of course, ceej, was the first to bear it...and he bore it well. hugs and kisses and all sorts of encouragement. there. better.

next was a night out with friends. homemade pasta at a local fave restaurant and getting to know our knew korean friends who were in town for the weekend. best part of the evening: deciding to take the koreans out to our fave gelato joint {it was a long shot, as i know most koreans despise that dairy food-group...but there's always sorbetto, right?}. turns out gelato was the right choice...only because korea's "brad pitt" was there {lee byung hun}...our korean lady friend has probably never been so giddy since middle-school days. we pushed her, and giggled, and whispered until our gentleman korean friend took action and asked if we he would kindly take a photo with us. the crowds of the sundance film festival were worth it.

late last night i kept ceej awake as i analyzed something i realized about myself...how for reasons galore i tend to belittle my accomplishments...you know, i like to say things like, "oh, it really wasn't that hard," or "it was just luck"...and then before you know it you don't think so highly of yourself. so you talk about it, get it out, and get to work the next day. love how a good talk can erase years of crazy thinking.

saturday morning comes lovely as it always does...off to the bakery i went to find some fresh baked bread and a cake for sisters' birthday party tomorrow. i got real and decided i was buying some of the food rather than making every bite from scratch because there's still towers of boxes around my house and we need to get some serious work done if our celebrated guests are to have anywhere to sit.

oh, and i picked up some flowers for myself. my hands were oh so excited to be trimming the stems, rinsing the fresh dirt off, and placing them in simple glass vases. what flowers can do for the heart! wonders, i tell you, wonders.

this just gets better. had one of those wonderfully long conversations with my mom...the conversation where you figure out how to make everyone happy and how to make today better than yesterday. we talked about music...and how we can't live without it...how listening to bach makes us feel clean and good and ready to do some serious good in small and simple ways. and then we laughed at the funny people in this world who know how to show us how absurd we can be.

i'm feeling wonderful...though everything else seems to be going absolutely wrong today. but, today, instead of crying, i am laughing at it all.

hi...i'm right here

i think you'll know what i'm talking about when i tell you that i woke up this morning feeling like i needed a good cry...all day i've told myself that i don't seem to have a reason to be sad, but, really, i do have a reason to be sad...i just don't want to admit it because it makes me feel so out of control and childish. you have those days too, yes? when you try to lift your heart boldly and do those mundane have-to's to make sure eventually you reach those dreams that are somehow made of a long list of have-to's?

this afternoon i took a break from the have-to's and i cuddled myself up in two blankets (we're doing our best to conserve energy this winter), and was determined to finish a book i started way back in november, little women. and all the while i left my itunes playing in the other room so i could softly hear melodies that tell me life is filled with wonder...because even on my sad days i know how beautiful this world is and that, for reasons i will never fully comprehend, here i am. on this earth. absolutely a miracle.

i went from page to page taking in every lovely detail of jo falling in love with her mr. bhaer while still mourning the loss of her angelic sister, beth. such heartache. such pure joy. all at once. i clung to lessons on morals (though some are quite outdated), but i clung to words on living a virtuous and simple life.

i could see that i was quickly approaching the end...i never like the end...i hate to see the characters go where i will no longer see what they do or hear what they say when life gives them what it will. but i went ahead reading...

and just as i turned to the last page, after the apple harvest and giving of gifts, i read the words, "oh, my girls, however long you may live i never can wish you a greater happiness than this!"...and, magically, at this same moment that i read the last line the music from the other room burst into my favorite part of tchaikovsky's violin concerto.

i cried. a little.

and it felt good. but i'm still in that sad place. and this sad place is making me think about slightly tweaking my life to accommodate a few more want-to's among the have-to's.

telling stories...

i started writing a story yesterday
about a girl, a tree, and the sky...

can't wait to see where it takes me.
could be a short story or a novel.

love writing.

falling asleep in the tree tops

ceej is flying somewhere over the pacific for a business trip,

and i have stayed near our mountains.

last night was my first night alone in bed...

i pulled the covers back, laid down on my side,

pulled my pillow under my head,

and grabbed cj's pillow and tucked it close against my back

trying to convince my body that i was not completely alone.

i stretched my arm and barely reached the lamp to switch it off.

darkness was not complete.

i could still see the tops of the apple trees out my windows,

black branches scratching the purple night sky.

i slipped my earphones onto my head and listened

to a song about a rose blooming in winter...

i simultaneously ached for ceej

while knowing that this moment alone was spell-binding.

i truly felt as if i was falling asleep in the tree tops

in the mid-winter...

what awe filled my entire being...

thoughts were both racing through my head and settling in slowly.

i like falling asleep in the tree tops.

"i and this mystery here we stand"

i've been thinking about how lucky i am
to live.

i've been thinking about
how hard it is to let go at first,
but how quickly i give in.

i've been thinking about stories
all over the world that have been
told over and over and over again.

i've been thinking about
things that make me want to weep
for mothers who bear heavy burdens.

i've been thinking about traveling to cold
places to find the earth moving in a way i've never known.

i've been thinking about the violin
and how it weeps and moves the earth to meet its depths.

i've been thinking about how to trim my list
of wants.

i've been thinking about books i'll never
know even exist
and the pages i'll never read.

i've been thinking of singing this song about gardens that revive the dead
and then going to croatia to sing this song that's been sung for generations.

i've been thinking about giving up worrying
and giving in to peace.

{photos by cj and me}

29 : into grounding fog

today i turn 29-years-old.
i love the sound of 29.
i love thinking about the changes i've made
over a year...


as you, dear reader, are already aware of
i ache for foggy weather,
for mornings misty and glimpses of the moon through
clouds moving deliberately slow.

i often wonder why it is that the fog is so enlightening, so soothing
to me when it seems that the opposite would be the case...
but i awoke this morning at 5 o'clock knowing why it is that i
need the fog.

i am an easily distracted woman,
wanting to try everything, do everything, be everything.
this leads to exhaustion...literally burn-out.

then the fog moves in, full of grace.
it covers the eyes of my soul enough so that
i can only see what is right in front of me,
what matters most.
it cuddles me up in its moisture,
and tells me to sit down on dewy grass
to see what breathing feels like:
it feels like warm pearl tea on a dark winter's night;
it feels like laughing with a sister;
it feels like hearing soft notes on an out-of-tune piano;
it feels like poetic words dripping from a tongue;
it feels like a universe full of stars being born, living, and dying;
it feels like...breathing.

somehow fog makes everything so drastically clear to me.
it tells me what i must do, and hides everything else away.

over the past year i have met fear with new hope & trust;
i have met anger with awe & wonder;
i have met frustration with deliberate action;
i have met speechlessness with one word at a time.
i have met anxiety with a smaller world, a more simple world.

so here's to anther year of striving to be
honest, simple, solid, true.