learning to be grown up & brave


i knew that this week was going to be full of change...
scary, but oh so good.
change can be stressful, don't you think? it's hard to tell
people that you're changing...though maybe on some levels
you're not really changing who you are, but you're throwing
out your ol' pal "fear." yup. today is the day...

but it all started monday with the blues...the kind of blues
where you finally say "whoa, horsey! i don't like this. i'm tired. i'm done."
and then it gets scary...thinking of all the people you'll let down
with necessary, but physically hard, conversations.
i think it's most difficult to tell people "i won't" instead of "i can't."
oh how i thought of all the wonderful, "legitimate," stories i could
tell so that people would pity me, rather than be disappointed...or even angry.

so i decided this week i was going to be a grown up, full of courage and logic...
all so i can get back to that part of me that is wistfully but deeply imaginative.
there were readings of books that remind me how easy it is to betray one's self;
there was a meeting with a stranger who asked me just the right questions to
make me move now, rather than later;
there was a drive up a beautiful canyon with a wonderful friend who has now joined
the ranks of mothers...and she let me practice telling people that "i won't."

today. today i fretted, and practiced my "speeches."
i worked. i worried. i worked. worried, worried, worried...sort of.
i felt the grown up in me rise. i'm practical. i'm logical. i'm capable. i'm honest.
so, i went to my scheduled hair appointment (which i haven't had one in 1.5 years),
dreading the "usual" terrible outcome when communication between me and the
stylist goes completely, terribly wrong and i smile and say i like it, but
cry as soon as i'm in the car.
BUT the graces are on my side today it haircut ever. easy...and lots
of scalp and hand massages...just what i needed for a difficult conversation.

i drove to my best support...ceej. i needed him next to me as i made
a very difficult phone call to say "i won't."
ceej sat by my side as i became a grown up and found some courage.
i was kind. i was persistent. and it ended. i finally felt what it felt like to
be brave and honest and kind all at once.
this is a good change indeed...

of course difficult times are ahead for me,
as is any new path, but this path i believe in.

am ready for a weekend with sister #3 and friends
while sister #3 runs a half-Ironman race {preparing for a full IronMan in a month!}.

sending courage and kindness your way.
see you on monday.


Lucent Imagery said...

An awesome post Ann Marie. It reminds me of the time I started saying no to freelance work that wasn't making me happy. I said no to someone who expected me to always say yes to paid and unpaid work and it felt so good. Now that person doesn't take advantage of my skills. I felt so empowered and released from expectation from others or myself to do something even if it wasn't making me satisfied. Have a lovely weekend!

Taylor said...

I've had those nervous conversations before, I'm so glad for your new path!

Gailen Audie said...

I took a cue from you and canceled both my engagements for today - after all, I'm losing my voice and am about to open a show! It's the responsible thing to do, right?? Anyway, thank you - as always - for sharing you sentiments with the world. And on a personal note, I want you to be my headshot photographer....too bad you live 2,000 miles away.

Jaime said...

There is so much wisdom in these words.
If you can be brave in this respect, so can I.
Thank you for inspiring me to grow.

whoisnell said...

wow.. i'm going through the same phase as you.. and i've been taking the longest time to admit and face my live.. as the live I LIVE..

thanks for the courage and kindness shared

keep inspiring

LauraP said...

thanks. i needed that.
best wishes

Char said...

the bravest thing is always taking that first step

Sarahbeth said...

I really appreciated this post. It made me grateful for the times I've been in that very situation and moved through it. And more grateful still that I believe it will be easier the next time.

Lucy said...

Bravo. Well done. Sounds like it felt good to say no for once.