manifesto monday : bonds

happy earth day! it is refreshing to at least think about the great outdoors while i sit here in my office in front of a computer all day.

i think the scariest thought in the world is the thought of being alone--especially when going through difficult experiences. i don't know about you, but despite my introverted personality, i could never go through life completely alone. the reality is, however, that sometimes i've had to go through things alone, but i have always found comfort in taking a walk outside among the trees, the flowers, the sky, the birds.

the other morning as i walked home from violin lessons i marveled at a conversation i overheard between two birds. one would call, her intonation up; and then he would answer, with intonation down.
pretty sweet little conversation to overhear. just a little "marco polo" to know they weren't alone.

and somehow, as the lucky passerby, i felt part of the conversation. and my heart lifted, and i was grateful.

and so we discover it for ourselves. that we are not alone.

this i believe.

manifesto monday : this deliberate pace

i have to be. i must find ways to be slow and deliberate about my days.
when i walk upstairs i watch my feet...because i'm running from
task to chore to work to dreams to beauty to frustration to exhaustion.

today my body felt it. exhaustion. i felt it coming on last night after
an intense week and an emotional weekend. so much good is filling my cup...
and it's overflowing. sometimes i really don't know what to do with it,
and it feels strange to have so much at my fingertips--to be so close
to what dreams are becoming.

today my body felt it. today it reminded me that even dreams need to
take deep breaths. even opportunities need deliberate attention.
time is on my side. truly. take a step back. honor it all. stand in awe.
because, this, all of it, is kind of amazing--discomfort and all.

today my body reminded me to celebrate all this goodness slowly,
to cultivate it, to give it the patience it deserves, to watch
and pay attention.

deep breaths. eyes closed. deep breaths. eyes wide. deep breaths.

today my body felt it.

manifesto : i've looked fear in the face...every day

i've never been one to seek an adrenaline rush...i like to mosey, to walk, to watch, to breathe.

however, i can't tell you how much gratification and joy i receive when i look a fear
right in the face and charge right through it with forcefulness, grace, and wisdom.
i love the way it gets my heart beating, and the way it makes me want to dance (mostly to this).
forget simply leaning in--i want to jump, dance, shout, sing in.

what have i been afraid of?
::graduate school--but i'll be graduating this summer at oxford. dancing about that one.
::playing the violin--started two years ago and love every scratchy note as they become more clear and pure.
::buying a house--we move in at the end of may
::starting a business--i'm quitting the cubicle (yay!) and starting two businesses
::telling people what i think--turns out people like what i think, and if they don't, oh well.
::laughing and talking too loud--CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
::authority figures--not anymore. i was born to push back, to question, to want something better.
::setting boundaries--i've got some pretty good ones in place, and am about to set some more.
::climbing mountains--climbed the grand teton last fall, and will be announcing a new goal to climb another mountain.

if you didn't catch that, i'm lookin' at my last couple of days in a cubicle...
this has been so hard for me. i've always thought to be valued i needed a "real" job--whatever that means.
the cubicle was not for me, friends. and it never will be.

i've decided to own the fact that i do things differently and like to make new paths...
so here i go. two businesses to wrangle down and get going.


would love to hear what fears you've looked straight in the face. would love to hear about your strengths, confidence, and courage.

onward.

(p.s. after i looked another fear in the face last night i was full of dancing--ceej was supposedly "playing solitaire on his phone...turns out he was filming me "bust da move". pray the gods don't ever let that out in the public)

manifesto monday : bring it with you

i've been looking through archived images of my adventures last year
while planning upcoming trips to the desert and across the ocean.

it's difficult not to get antsy. lusting to wander.

it's also difficult to put away the fears:
how is it all going to come together?
what if i miss out on what i'm really looking for?
where will i find the words to tell it how it was?

and then i read emerson's advice,
and i settle in with them.

i've already started to pack and unpack these words--
they are quickly becoming part of my daily luggage,
a reminder that even while in the office i can carry
beauty with me...

and i'll definitely be carrying beauty with me as
i set out on a whirlwind of adventures,
setting my anxieties aside and replacing them
with attention to the details and the way my
breath pulses as i soak it all in.

this i believe.



{let the wanderlusting begin}
{photo of britt  outside the colosseum on our maiden voyage adventure}

manifesto monday : there is beauty to do

as i grow older i continuously learn how valuable hard work is.
i'm a hard worker, and i take pride in that.

however, these words from toni morrison resonated so loudly with me this weekend
that i had to dig in, through, and around them:

beauty is something i can do?

yes.

yes, indeed. in fact, i think that this is the goal of all my hard work: to do beauty.

just thinking about it makes my heart simultaneously content with joy and weepy because this has opened a huge psychological door for me.

i always thought i would work hard through the mundane muckiness of to-do lists,
but now i'm re-thinking that what i do is beauty in and of itself,
and that i must deliberately do beauty. i can do that.

beauty is something i can do.

this i believe.

manifesto monday : a deliberate imagination

i have come to realize the power of a deliberate imagination.

it started over three years ago when ceej and i started to suspect
that his company might be moving to our dream location at
the foot of our mountains...

initially we didn't want to get our hopes up.
but, then, i decided it was all about getting our hopes up
and imagining our dream scenario at that point in our lives.

i let myself get giddy. i imagined the long-awaited announcement.
it was fun. i was happy. and, yes, it was also lucky.

here we are living at the foot of our mountains, and i got to enjoy
the entire process--avoiding my habit of worry.

and so i learned. thinking, imagining, and letting my mind wander
to all the possibilities was not only fun, but it made my actions
more deliberate.

ceej and i are once again in a place that requires a big and positive imagination.
we're starting a business, we're house-hunting, we're making career decisions.

and we're having fun with it. we're imagining what we want,
and then we act. deliberate.

i find that prayer, meditation, list-making, talking late into the night with ceej,
and talking to a dear friend on the phone
are all so common--because these are all ways that allow me to be more
mindful of what i'm feeling, thinking, and doing.

imagination. mindfullness. deliberate thoughts and actions.

i'm also finding that the more convinced that "i think i can"
the more convinced others are that i can--and the support,
the encouragement, and the help comes flooding in.

it's good to be here. in all this imaginative bliss.
because i can.

this i believe.

manifesto monday {on tuesday} : daily pep talks for doers

the to-do list never gets completed these days. ever.

so who cares?

i'm still moving ahead. doing everything i can
while trying to find balance with a few moments
to drink some pearl tea or pull out my violin.

but i certainly need pep talks every day to
remind myself, and certainly my heart, that
all of this is so so good for me and really
quite exhilarating and quite exhausting.

a pep talk for the heart is good.
especially when entering the world of doing.

this i believe.

manifesto monday : a dreamy life

these days i work nine to five in a grey cubicle. if i turn my head one hundred degrees to the right,
slightly kinking my neck, i can see out a window...where i see another building.
it's been a while since i've found myself in this sort of place: punchcard, deadlines, eating lunch at my desk, etc.

as expected, the first few weeks unhinged me a bit, especially the scheduling part--
where did my days go? how would i keep up my creative projects/outlets?
my violin was sadly neglected, and my callouses were on the verge of disappearance.
cooking consisted of toast and smoothies (thank goodness for a vitamix christmas gift).
exercise went from six days a week to two days a week.

i know you've all been there.
busy.
grey cubicle.
new job learning curve.
struggle for balance.

the balance is coming.
finally signed up at a yoga studio for regular classes.
making deliberate schedules and time for violin, cooking, and...

starting a business.
which involves: textile vendors in new zealand, a local factory, a pattern maker, market research,
working with designers on branding, and convincing investors that our idea is brilliantly fool-proof.

what is it? for now, i will tell you it is a dream coming to life.
(if you follow me on instagram you'll know more about it).

sweet dreams are coming as i find my way through this sweet life.

happy monday, dear readers. what are you doing to make sweet dreams?

desktop quote & manifesto monday : safe to go outside

yes, i too enjoyed my conversation with this optimistic wonder-woman over the weekend.
it certainly helps to surround yourself with loving people who are so willing to cheer you on
and listen as you ramble on about dreams and frustrations and how you're going to change the world...even if it's just your own little world.

today i am thinking about taking care of ourselves, being gentle and kind.
i hope this blog is a place where you can feel safe,
where you can escape feeling like you have to have the latest fashions or designs,
where you can find joy in the little ordinary things that are full of wonder.
i hope it is a place where you come to remind yourself to
be gentle and kind to yourself and to those all around you.

i hope you feel, today, and all of your days, that it is safe
to step outside into a world of dreams, and it is safe to try,
to fall, and to pick yourself and your friends up when all seems too hard.

here's to a new week.



{right click on the top image for a smaller desktop image; right click on the bottom image for a larger one}

desktop quote & manifesto monday : growing things from the earth

yesterday marked the first day of spring.
i can see little buds making their way on our trees outside.
i know we'll have more winter storms,
but i am anxious about seeing green sprouting from the earth.
i am anxious to smell the ground thawing.
i am anxious for birds to chirp, waking me in the morning.

i am anxious for change. aren't you?
i am anxious to smell new smells,
to see new views...to find a way "out."

this week i hope to find ways
out of my routine,
out of my world-view,
out of myself.

perhaps by digging in my own earth, that is my heart,
i will thaw old beliefs and allow
new growth to begin.



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desktop quote & manifesto monday : the sea

this week is a week to celebrate the irish...
and i, like so many others, love to claim my
irish heritage though i've never set foot on irish soil
{that will change this summer}.

but something i have been thinking of these days
is at the core of all irish hearts : the sea.
though i've never touched irish soil, i have experienced
the immensity and wonder of the sea, and have been
smitten by its profound reaches and endless waters.
on the coast or on the water, something happens to a soul:
your heart beat slows to a deep and certain rhythm
and your lungs find healing with salty air while your skin
collects the humid drops of air. ears tell a body to keep still
and eyes to scan every detail. breath becomes rich.
and then you know. you just know.

am looking forward to my next visit to the sea...

desktop quote & manifesto monday : the end...or the beginning: a favorite paradox

all afternoon it's been raining out my window.
a wonderful spring down-poor...
that has now, in the early evening hours,
started to attempt to be a bit of a snow storm.
it's something in between,
as is this month of march : not quite winter anymore,
but not ready to give in to spring.

i'm exploring where and what exactly i am holding on tightly
in my life - places and things that high-time came to an end
before i can join with spring and begin anew.

i still fear making mistakes. i think my heart needs a little
talking to, a reminder that no one grows without mistakes.
can you quit this cold-turkey,
or will i be shaking with cravings for fear of falling?

i still fill my calendar way too full...
i've got to put an end to my fear of saying 'no'
so i can start again with a nice, blank, clean
calendar...how refreshing would that be?!

the list could go on and on.
but i'll start with just a couple of things
to end so i can get started with my
spring beginning when it finally comes
in the form of blossoms.

anything you'd like to end so you can
get started once spring comes around?

{the top image is the smaller desktop image, the bottom image is the larger. right click and save for your desktop background...enjoy!}

desktop quote & manifesto monday : grass

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i love silences. spaces between. when nothing happens.
it is magic to me to be able to sit and watch and listen
to the world happen...to my own being happen.
these are the moments i dream of when life gets busy...
it makes me hungry for these moments just thinking of them.

i used to think that the "flowers" in life were those moments
where there is an obvious accomplishment,
and that the grass was those silent spaces where i could do nothing.
so i learned to cherish those nothing moments.

but now, i am busy. and i think the metaphor has switched.
i spend most of my time doing, and not as much time
sitting and pondering.
perhaps, now is a time when all that i am accomplishing
has become the grass, and is no longer the flower.
those silent moments are my flower,
and i must learn to love the grass of "doing" just as much
as i love the "flower" of silence.

so today, as i am busy doing this and that...getting ever closer
to dreams that in the past were just that: dreams,
i will love my moments in front of a computer screen, or in a meeting
just as much as i love my moments on the couch watching the sky.

this i believe.

desktop quote & manifesto monday: words, poetry, physicians, letters

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{new!} desktop quote & manifesto monday

{right-click on this first image and save it for a larger image to save for your desktop...i will update these desktop quotes weekly...every monday...hip, hip, hooray!}

{right-click on this second image for a smaller file size for your laptop}

manifesto monday : magic

"of course there must be lots of Magic in the world," he said wisely one day,
"but people don't know what it is or how to make it."
-the secret garden

we went on many fall walks over the weekend. walking with a camera is best for me...it helps me to slow down and notice everything. i've been thinking how a slow pace reveals the magic of the earth...how amazing it is that leaves change color every year...that they blow away and become part of something else...how birds fly from branch to branch...how my breath continues to work in and out. i like philosophers who link happiness to simplicity and a patient pace. this is when the magic happens...when i'm paying close attention to everything else, rather than fretting over a check-list. all is coming. this i believe.

{photo by cj}

project film & manifesto monday : words

most of you are quite aware that i am in love with music--how it inspires my heart and my mind, and teaches me to love each and every note within this earth and within my experience here. you are also quite aware of my love for poetry: the best words in the best order. i must admit, that my love for poetry lies within its music--the rhythms, the cadence, the way the words slip off my tongue and pass my lips. i. love. it.

i've been thinking of words this morning. how words guide our lives: they motivate us, they make us think, we use them to make choices, we use them to explain, we use them to love. seven years ago today ceej used simple and heart-felt words to ask me if i would marry him...i used simple words to answer him as we rejoiced in an aspen grove in the mountains during a magical snowfall. we were babies back then. after seven years of words exchanged here we are. together. i love that word most today.

here i am. in love with learning how to use the best words in the best order, always. in love with the music of every word i hear. in love with the music, heard and unheard, that keeps me in love with mystery, with beauty, with suffering, with trees, with violins, with people.

words. this i believe.

{poem is the first stanza of wallace stevens' "domination of black"...a dear favorite of mine...you can read it in its entirety here.}

manifesto monday : winter

yesterday my hopes were high...the morning was cloudy, and i yearned for the clouds to stay and was desperate for the weather forecast to be prophetic; for its prophecy to fulfilled within the day: rain. while i warmed some soup for lunch the clouds let go of their heavy burden, and i opened up the windows to feel the cold wind that came as a breath cools a hot drink that threatens to burn our senses. the long summer heat does that to me--burns my senses till i am a melted heap of lifeless flesh without energy to gather myself for my passions. this rain was relief for a desperate soul, cooling my steaming kettle so that i avoided my own screaming when i had had enough of the boiling heat.

the windows were open. a string quartet was my quiet background soundtrack. i found my softest blanket and oversized sweatshirt, and cuddled up on the couch lit up with warm library-esque light from a lamp. i read about fall in wisconsin during the depression--about how beautiful night walks were then, as they are now, when you can see your breath escaping your lips. and even back then, people's hopes were high--every little miracle was indeed miraculous. when my eyes tired of black type on the page i stood and walked to the window to watch and smell the rain {wishing whole-heartedly that cj was home}, and then i would make my way back to my little corner "library" to read sentences that i can hardly resist underlining.

i've always felt more alive when it's cold when winter is coming on; i'm more alert. i suddenly become aware of my cheeks and the tip of my nose as the wind whips them rosy. i am careful to watch my step, where i am going, so the ice does not send me ungracefully to my back. i think ahead, always prepared for a blizzard. i'm more willing to get moving...to keep the blood flowing against the icy cold. i notice the trees themselves...no leaves to hide their wood. i notice how magical it is how the ice clings to their branches and sparkles when the sun rises and sets. winter cannot come fast enough. i long for this season of "sleep" that awakens me entirely.

this i believe.

manifesto monday : art, homesick, & music

over the weekend ceej and i headed into the city to see a special exhibit at the de Young...they had paintings on loan from the musee d'orsay: renoir, van gogh, cezanne, gauguin, seurat, sargent, and so many more. unfortunately for this exhibit there was no photography {or even sketching!} allowed. so we tried to soak every stroke into our brains while elbowing our way through crowds wearing earphones. some of those paintings really pull you in, and pull on your heart in a way you've never known.

once we felt we saw every painting sufficiently we moved through the rest of the museum. i love going to museums i've never been to before. i get excited to find paintings that weren't in my art history books that stop my heart in its beating tracks. we slowly walked from room to room, most of them quite empty as most people were only interested in the special exhibit. so nice to be able to really see the paintings without everyone else discussing paintings you want to experience for yourself upon a first face-to-face meeting.

into this room we came, and there was this wonderful painting : irving ramsay wiles' "the sonata." i was immediately swept off my feet...a combination of excited giddiness and a longing homesickness. i wanted to be in this painting wearing a whispy gown, anticipating the next song i would be playing with a sister. i felt like this scene was my scene...yet it has never happened to me before...but it was all happening in my mind and in my heart. after gazing at it, every second claiming more and more ownership to this moment, i asked {well, more like told} cj to paint a replica for me. i don't want a print. i want the paint strokes to be alive...and it will sit over our piano for me to gaze at and feel a wonderful yearning for something that never happened to me, though my soul is quite convinced it did indeed happen to me.

i am loving my new-found dedication to music...and in turn this is reigniting my passion for art. one of my brother's pointed out that once we start following the path we were meant to follow it is like riding a bike...it takes effort, but it is smooth and natural. this is how i feel about following music...it's wonderful to exert all my energy to something so rewarding and uplifting.

and i want to add that i disagree with mr. howe on one point...someday i will be playing good music in a beautiful gown with one of my sisters or perhaps my own mother, this is not just homesickness for something i will never have...it has made me homesick for something i will make happen...it has inspired me to create such wonderful memories.

this i believe.

manifesto monday & project film : courage

i have been thinking about courage a lot lately...which means i've been thinking a lot about fear as well. every morning i ask for more courage, for more trust. i try to listen--trying to keep the optimistic thoughts while acknowledging the fear. i've come to terms, for now, with fear. you see, i can't seem to be courageous without it. so it must be there. but so will my optimism and resolve to keep going despite those heavy "what if's"

some of you might recall my "liberation list"--my effort to de-clutter my life. i seem to have finally emptied my life of goals that were good, but not best. i'm quite excited about this. about as excited as i am when fall weather finally makes its way into my life...and maybe i'm even more excited really.

over the past few years i've been frantic about what i was going to do with my life...what career was i finally going to settle on. i tried every hobby known to humans, and thought about every degree. the more pressed for time i felt, the busier i seemed to make myself. frantic. that's the word to describe the last three or so years of my life.

i knew simplifying was a must...but it was difficult to know what to throw 0ut. until this weekend. i heard some amazing advice about slowing down life, especially when life becomes difficult. it hit me.

i realized that i was already in graduate school {and headed for oxford this summer!} and didn't need to have anxiety attacks over studying for the GRE to apply for two more (yes, i'm crazy sometimes) degrees. so one graduate degree is fine, thank you very much. goodbye GRE flashcards!

friday night ceej and i watched some of my favorite musicians perform on the interweb. i was so enchanted, as i always am with good music. ceej asked me if i could choose to be an "expert" at one art/craft what would it be. i didn't even hesitate: music. so not only am i keeping my minimal piano skills, but i'm starting up lessons again, and picking up another instrument (violin or cello...what's your vote?).

and, finally, the third thing on my list: service. i want whatever it is i do with my life to include helping people. i'm not sure how that will look yet, but i want to open myself to more opportunities and jobs that allow me to help people who suffer in one way or another.

so here's my "keeping" list:
grad school/writing
music
humanitarian work

three things. i have no idea where this will take me. i only know i need to be doing these things right now. that's the scary part...not knowing where these passions will take me, trying not to think about a specific job that should come out of all of this. i'm learning to trust that hard work at what i love will lead to good things.

so, i begin to sail my ship.

this i believe.