this life of mine and how it's moving


my head and my heart finally found some peace and perspective
in the desert over the weekend. lots of thanks to ceej and dear friends
for allowing me to talk about anything and everything,
and more thanks to ceej for being our guide in such a beautifully awe-some place.
there was a midnight camp setup, sunny mornings with hearty pancakes & hash browns,
walks through chilly river waters, and gazing up and up and up at sandstone walls
that towered high above us, alcoves where ferns grew happily, breaks to
clear out the rocks and sand from our sandals, and pushing the car multiple times
as we battled a dying battery out in the middle of nowhere...none of us were ever
worried as i think we were secretly hoping to get stranded in the middle of nowhere
for an extra day or two if "need be." and, of course, sunsets were magnificent and miraculous.

my life these days in one of gentleness...mostly with myself.
i am catching my thoughts as they try to destroy my heart and worth
and turning them to thoughts that are real and free of old views.
i am learning that i am myself and my own experience, and i get to choose what that looks like.
many of you have succeeded at creating your own reality,
one that is full of life, finding joy and accepting the sorrow {please do share your secrets}.

i am moving forward into a world of writing, writing fiction to tell my truth:
a truth of the earth, of this life, of women, of journeys of immigration, and violins
{yes, violins often speak the clearest truths i have ever heard}.
i am writing what seems impossible to write...but how exciting it is. how hard it is.
i am finally admitting what this world is to me, and how wondrous and sublime it is.
someday, when i finally work the words out of me, i will meet you all face to face,
as i really am, seeing you how you really are. this is a journey i am absolutely in love with.

i am moving into a life that looks more simple:
simple meals with real food that take only minutes to make and minutes to clean up;
keeping empty spaces in my home, creating places of physical silence to allow for thinking;
letting go of an era of theme parties and "extravaganzas," welcoming an era of conversation
accompanied with a glass of water or a cup of more days spent cooking and preparing;
allowing people to move on with my deepest desires for their happiness in their journey--
that is no longer my journey;
spending less time with projects that are distractions from the real projects i want to pursue;
embracing the idea of "one at a time" rather than overwhelming myself and others with a
long list of ____________.

i think i am pursuing an optimistic peace that has been sitting patiently at the back of my heart.
a peace that lets me sit through the sorrow with both tears and a little smile,
a peace that lets me sing how much i love this earth, how very very much i love storms and mountains and the desert and words and mornings and afternoons spent studying a time long gone and how much awe comes over me when the sun has set but it's still light outside and that light comes in through my windows and warms the dead flowers in my vase that i can't seem to throw away because they are incredibly beautiful to me as they droop and dry out.

now, i must find all the ways to allow this peace to come to the forefront and to thrive.

{photo by cj}


Cassie said...

I'm so glad you found some peace. Isn't it amazing how the wildness of the earth can do that for you? I love these words here, how you are creating a more simple life. I strive towards it as well...

liv said...

when i read your words all i could think was, 'good ann. that sounds just so good.' kinda gives me permission some how to let go too- maybe cause it comes from a woman i admire so much. thanks.

Taylor Ashley said...

so happy for you [: its good to feel a little serenity and peace, now keep it ! [:
anytime i need to clear my head i go outside or go for a hike, nature has its way of uplifting and helping us through [:

the wild magnolia said...

I sit here with my mouth agape! WOW!

A simple life and optimistic peace!

You go girl, I am impressed with your new journey, and want one of my very own.

Thank you so much!

Erin said...

The redrocks have a way with me, and it seems with you, too. It's been too long since I've been to the desert and I've been missing it more and more over the last couple years. And, I'm inspired to creat more empty spaces in my home. It would help me and my little family so much to focus on the things that are most important to us. so, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Julie said...

simplicity is shockingly hard to achieve-but it sounds like the most beautiful and grateful way to live ones life. I want to join you on this journey.

Your words are always fulfilling to me-this is such a peaceful place to come to.

Monica said...

nothing like nature tor econnect us with ourselves and that something biiger.

part of my journey has included letting go of overdoing, and oh those endless distractions.

Anonymous said...

Your writing moves me and sparks my spirit. Thank you so much for sharing what is in your heart.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you've found some peace. Nature is wonderful and helps us to find quietness and to organize our thoughs, doesn't it? Keep writing because you do it beautifully :)

Kate Kelleher said...

As always I love your words, and I am cheered to hear you will filling the world with more lines. Often we need to stop and look around us before we can continue, how easy it is for us to forget this with the hussle of everyday life. I will be thinking of you and look forward to more x

Kaylan said...

Gosh, your writing is so gorgeous. I LOVE how expressive you are about your self identity, needs, and thoughts. That part about peace resonates with me so much right now. So glad I bookmarked your blog! :)

onesilentwinter said...

i need to read this. i have moved to vermont fro quiet and peace, but it is a peace within me i seek. as i stare out the beautiful landscape i dream of a simpler time and bringing that time to my daily life, simple foods as you say, walks quiet moments, real ones.

i wish you all that your heart desires and fully understand how easy it is to let the things that take away from peace in. i have watched a speck of dust turn into a mountain of dirt and it is all trough fear and doubt, i am equip with a dust cloth at all times now and will give the good things much more room to grow.

jmw said...

such beautiful thoughts, Ann! So lovely and stirring. I miss talking to you. I have a bit of "empty" space (full of possibilities) in my dance room. I love it.

Lucy said...

I do love this. Tell your truth, and the truth will set you free. Your words are beautiful, I will read any book you write.