twirling : how to get a pulse back

can i tell you how healing it is for me to head to the mountains to our cabin?
it's priceless. my ability to focus and manage my time there is incredible.
i feel my pulse come back into my veins. i get fiery. i get decisive. i get fearless.

this morning, during my run, my pulse was with me. strong.
that pulse brings visions and ideas to my brain, one thought after another. steady.

this afternoon...the pulse left me. i felt a bit defeated, finding myself in a space that just didn't feel right.

my solutions: first, get something to eat {grilled cheese with tomato}. second, take a breath while
watching my thoughts. accepting them. third, enjoy a piece of chocolate. fourth, turn on music with a pulse {violins} and peruse through the weekend's cabin photos....

then find pictures of a moment of pure bliss i had while walking at sunset through an aspen forest with ceej.
i couldn't resist that twirling. i couldn't help but smile and laugh...there it was. my pulse.

slowly, i feel it coming back to me...though it's not quite at twirling stage yet.
there's too much cleaning, emailing, list-making, and studying to do in my small little space in too short a time. but it's coming back. because it has to. because it always does.

by the weekend, i should be twirling again.

taking time to let this autumn mood settle in : via john keats's "to autumn"

i woke up to a drizzle of raindrops, and went on my run through the sycamore-canopied streets in the dark...not knowing how thick the sky was with clouds--though i did notice i could not see the stars.
i drove to work before any warm light of the sunrise had appeared, but as the sky barely began to light i noticed low misty clouds settling at the base of the mountains, and heading straight up the canyon...
where the snow has started to fall. the first snow. it's here...up there in the mountains.

as usual, there is lots on the to-do list today, but i'm feeling a need to take a break--
to let this autumn settle into my heart. i've been so busy i've hardly had time to enjoy the leaves
changing in the mountains. there's been no baking of pumpkin spice nor has there been any
butternut squash soup. it's been a busy fall, and so now i'm soaking in this gray sky and its mists.

i'm dreaming too. i'm letting myself drift for a bit away from now. i'm imagining future days ahead.
i think about a home--because every fall i feel like i'm ready to put roots down in a small
home with wood floors, white walls, and big windows. i'm ready to have a kitchen to heat up spiced milk while reading ecological, botanical, and musical articles. i'm ready to have an office space to organize, create spreadsheets, make phone calls, and create business cultures that flourish. i'm ready to put pumpkins out on my porch, and set up the gravestones we made last year for halloween. i'm ready to crush up fennel seeds to make my favorite homemade ice cream. i'm ready to see my books stored and organized for me to browse through in the evenings...

but i'm feeling that "miles to go before i sleep" sensation. all of that sounds so comforting right now, and so i'll let it comfort me. because some day i'll have my roots planted. and now...back to now. back to studying in my small little room. back to trying to manage the clutter. back to taking one step at a time. back to appreciating a cup of licorice tea. back to appreciating arvo part's "my heart's in the highlands" piping through my headphones. back to this lovely gray sky and the snow that i know is somewhere up there in the mountains.

project grand teton : the last post...why i wanted to climb the mountain

i gave up rock climbing years ago. i loved being outside, but, honestly, i didn't like the ego

that seeps into many as they "conquer," "punish," "mount," or any "pick-your-empirialistic-verb" when they set out on their projects in the wilderness. i just couldn't handle it any more.

so i put my climbing shoes away in a box somewhere, forgot what my harness looked like, and started walking, strolling, and picnicking with ceej and a handful of friends. 

i really enjoyed just being outside and watching wildness. there were never any hard-and-fast goals.

just go outside.

i was convinced, and ceej was convinced, that i'd never put on a harness again or tie a figure-8 knot.

this was enough. and it still is. 

however, last fall as i went walking through the grand tetons up cascade canyon

ceej and james climbed the entire grand teton in one day.

they were exhausted by the time we met up again. i was relieved that i had not joined them.

long ago i gave up on seeking exhaustion, limits, and the edge (they seem to come naturally enough).

i was happy with my little stroll. and i was content to end the day reading about trees while i awaited

their safe return.

i looked at their pictures, and was happy for ceej that he did something he had always wanted to do.

no further thought on my part. hooray for ceej.

but the thought of doing something outside of my comfort zone slowly started to fill my hesitant veins. 

maybe i wanted to climb the grand teton? 

maybe i wanted to start climbing and skiing the volcanoes of the northwest?

maybe i wanted to really explore the west, and learn to find comfort in my discomfort...

even if it meant dealing with the ego: mine and everyone else's.

so we started planning. casually. i started running more, and running up mountains (which is usually more like fast walking). but i decided i was probably stronger than i thought. i decided that i needed to understand my mind and my body better. i decided that beautiful mountains, fantastic views, and difficult climbs were worth it. or, at least i hoped they were.

for most of my life i felt weak in many ways. so vulnerable.

i still feel weak and vulnerable...

but now i know that feeling weak and vulnerable and inadequate have nothing to do with my ability to accomplish challenging tasks. if i wasn't sacred, what's the big deal? 

so here i am, once again, learning to embrace vulnerability in a new way. 

climbing the grand teton started out relatively easy. it was challenging, but in that "i feel strong" sort of way. but as the storm came closer, and the hours slipped away, and my mind started to worry the vulnerability came back. and i'm glad it did. i learned that when i'm scared i can keep my cool and keep moving. i learned that when i'm scared i can also lose it, and start crying when my body won't respond like i want it to. i learned that both moving and crying now and then are incredible ways our body and mind get us through tough situations. 

thanks to ceej and matt for being the best guides i could have ever had. they were funny, encouraging, thoughtful, strong, and humble. these are my favorite kind of mountain people. 

immediately after our trip, and for the following two weeks i never thought i'd want to do that again...

but, now, of course, i'm thinking about another adventure up the grand someday...maybe after we climb and ski down mt. rainier, of course

thinking about the contradictions that are inside

lately i've been thinking how sometimes i feel like i have whiplash from
jolting back and forth between hopes and fears:
some days i am giddy with day dreams and checking things off my list that will
hopefully land me smack-dab in the middle of my dreams and goals;
other days i am confronted with that other reality which is the past and the present,
void of the realizations of hopes and dreams i expected in years previous.


i'm constantly in a tiring battle, making sure that those optimistic vibes win out
because that's what will bring the dreams right? positive thinking?...


or is it both? is it the contradictions? is it the fears and the hopes?
do my fears fuel my hopes, and my hopes create new fears that motivate
me to move, to progress, to struggle for the seemingly impossible?
to close my eyes and yell "tiwanda!" as i run through the scary things?


so today, i decided that my dreams are made up of both hopes and, especially, my fears.
onward and through the thick of it all!


here's to a motivated week!

another day, another lake...last summer in england and what my today looks like

i had a lot of ambition this morning: the plan was to read a dense article and read a 120-page book...

doesn't look like that's going to happen now--something i can't put my finger on is distracting me.

do you ever have those kinds of days? like day-dreaming mixed with goal-setting mixed with anxiety.

it's one of those days where i'm trying to reach down into the depths of myself and figure out

what's really going on in there...what does a heart really want, and how does one get it.

day-dreaming: ceej is in italy today enjoying snow in the dolomites. i see photographs of such a magical landscape and want to be there, not here with my ambition. i want to be there with my dreams: a book store, writing, and workshops. these photographs here are of our last evening in the lake district last summer. what an incredible land. no wonder romantics such as william wordsworth lived there. inspiring in a sort of way that makes it necessary to write, to question, and to live.

goal-setting: finish school...and another degree. actually write dreams/goals on paper. find that confidence, that bravery. talk with your professor, and admit fears because somehow once that is done the fears dissipate. remind myself that school is something i enjoy...it's not something for me to prove how smart i am, because really i'm there because i'm in love--in love with history and literature.

anxiety: there's always a to-do list with ambition. ugh. am trying to remind myself that it truly is all about baby steps. i'm trying to cover up all of the steps except for the one immediately in front of me. i can do that one. i can read an article and a book in a day...still.

so, i'm off. to do step number one (read, read, read); to day-dream of living in a land with a pulse; and to give my anxiety a dose of deep breaths and a peppermint chocolate.

sunday afternoon : herbs, pages, lyrics, and women

i think i'm getting the hang of this pages thing. it's been difficult to unplug as i'm finding i have

more of an addiction to the laptop and these "convenient" smart phones we all carry around.

but i'm making progress, and pages are slowly taking over my life beautifully,

filling my mind with wonderful pictures, and creating questions that sometimes feel too big to approach.

ceej is out of town, jet-lagged in germany. i think his leaving just gets harder and harder every time.

but i guess that's a good sign, yes? 

this afternoon i took a break from one little book to retreat into the kitchen

to have a little refreshment by a sunny window with notes to review and that will hopefully

help me to read more deeply.

i've been reading about women in eighteenth century britain...what a gender-biased time to live in.

i have to admit that i sometimes wonder if we {women} have progressed as much as i would hope...

there seems to be so much more to be done in terms of equality. what do you think?

there are so many women i admire these days, changing the way things work and how we view them.

i am certainly grateful that i am even allowed to attend a university, vote, and generally have more control over my own life and its direction.

i'm interested. what do you think about women and our place in society?

hello december...

this is indeed a magical month...though i came into it a bit agitated.

yes, agitated. yesterday i tried to go for a walk in the mountains...

it lasted a full ten minutes before i felt anxious and stirred up.

a rare phenomenon indeed. usually the mountains sooth me,

but i think i forced myself upon them, and so i found nothing there.

perhaps i found nothing there because i had so many ideas swimming

around in my head, and i just had to get them out. this project is pulling me,

taking on a life of its own. 

last night the wind was agitated too. it kept me up for hours

before i finally rolled my tired body out of bed to find some ear plugs.

i haven't heard such a frightful wind in years.

my power flickered on and off, and i was sure my ice cream was going to melt in the freezer.

i wished ceej was home so we could cuddle the storm out together.

i finally fell asleep with the ear plugs in, and hoped i wouldn't shiver all night long.

this morning i crossed a couple of have-to's off my list and had a lovely idle morning.

the wind is still blowing, but i have power and ideas are still swimming in my head.

this month, this magical month, has already cast it's spell on me.

it has unsettled me, made me uncomfortable, while simultaneously giving me

lots of sweet dreams and imaginations. it is stirring me thoroughly. 

so off we go...

{p.s. i hope to tell you of my amazing project next month sometime...for now i must keep it secret/keep it safe. you're going to love it. i promise.}

this excited body needs to get outside to let the imagination fly

for the past two days i have been practically glued to my computer...

you would think i was designing computer software or writing code, but no,

i have been trying to improve my illustrator skills for an exciting project i'm working on.

this morning, after a great little meeting, my brain has been flooded with ideas

and i'm tempted to spend another day on the computer...

but i'm going to fight that urge because i know that when this happens

i need to take a walk outside, in my mountains, in the woods,

and write down everything that comes into this body, heart & mind.

so very excited indeed. can't wait to tell/show you all what it's all about.

these photos are from our last trip down to southern utah.

ceej is in europe (in norway, i think, at the moment), and i'm missing him.

i think it's hardest when the holiday season is upon us, and i have no one

to sip hot cocoa with and listen to andy williams with. 

sunday this loneliness will be over with. can't wait.

so until then, i'm distracting myself with such a wonderful project and headed to the mountains.

checking in with the heart : how life has it all

how does quiet stir a heart so much? i give myself some down time,

and quickly i can't decide if life is incredibly wonderful, or if i am 

ready to cry because of that eternal constant sadness that gives life beauty.

i want to shout hallelujah's of joy because, yes, my life is full of joyful gifts:

i live by the mountains, in an honest desert, i have someone to share my life with,

i've traveled all around this world and experienced new geographies and cultures,

my afternoon breaks consist of listening to this and this, 

i get to teach music {life's true pulse} to little kids, i spend my summers with

great minds at beautiful campuses, we ride bikes along lovely country roads,

i get to play the piano and i'm learning how to play the violin,

i'm starting a band, like-minded women will be meeting at my home to

discuss women in ancient and sacred texts {texts of all kinds}, when i can't sleep

i knit and listen to therapeutic music, there are fresh raspberries in my fridge,

...so why this underlying sadness that seems to be built into my dna?

i don't think i'm asking to be rid of the sadness...it's this sadness that makes

me appreciate all the beauty around me--i couldn't see it without this heartache.

what is my heart aching over? i'm not quite sure. it's just there. 

and it is here this morning. i woke early this morning, despite my excitement last night

to finally be able to sleep in...turns out my heart had to talk to me this morning.

have you ever had a heart-to-heart with your heart?

still dark outside, i got myself a glass of milk,

plugged my headphones into the laptop so i could listen

to music without waking ceej. 

i bundled up in a down blanket, and gathered my knitting project to my lap.

all i can think about these days is sitting by a mountain lake,

or, even better, rowing a canoe in a mountain lake

in foggy weather, wearing a hand-knit sweater and my wellies,

reading john keats out loud...why does this thought simultaneously

bring me so much joy yet so much heartache? why such sadness

attached to such beautiful images?

i actually think keats has already answered this for me:

"ay, in the very temple of delight

veiled melancholy has her sovran shrine,

though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue

can burst joy's grape against his palate fine;

his soul shall taste the sadness of her might,

and be among her cloudy trophies hung."

this is my experience exactly...that in those very moments of joy

is melancholy...they truly are inseparable. this is why when i

have the most bliss-filled dreams and experiences i am also filled

with sorrow for all of the unfulfilled dreams and for all of the hurt

that i and my loved ones have ever been through. this is life.

all of it.

learning to be grown up & brave

i knew that this week was going to be full of change...
scary, but oh so good.
change can be stressful, don't you think? it's hard to tell
people that you're changing...though maybe on some levels
you're not really changing who you are, but you're throwing
out your ol' pal "fear." yup. today is the day...

but it all started monday with the blues...the kind of blues
where you finally say "whoa, horsey! i don't like this. i'm tired. i'm done."
and then it gets scary...thinking of all the people you'll let down
with necessary, but physically hard, conversations.
i think it's most difficult to tell people "i won't" instead of "i can't."
oh how i thought of all the wonderful, "legitimate," stories i could
tell so that people would pity me, rather than be disappointed...or even angry.

so i decided this week i was going to be a grown up, full of courage and logic...
all so i can get back to that part of me that is wistfully but deeply imaginative.
there were readings of books that remind me how easy it is to betray one's self;
there was a meeting with a stranger who asked me just the right questions to
make me move now, rather than later;
there was a drive up a beautiful canyon with a wonderful friend who has now joined
the ranks of mothers...and she let me practice telling people that "i won't."

today. today i fretted, and practiced my "speeches."
i worked. i worried. i worked. worried, worried, worried...sort of.
i felt the grown up in me rise. i'm practical. i'm logical. i'm capable. i'm honest.
so, i went to my scheduled hair appointment (which i haven't had one in 1.5 years),
dreading the "usual" terrible outcome when communication between me and the
stylist goes completely, terribly wrong and i smile and say i like it, but
cry as soon as i'm in the car.
BUT the graces are on my side today it seems...best haircut ever. easy...and lots
of scalp and hand massages...just what i needed for a difficult conversation.

i drove to my best support...ceej. i needed him next to me as i made
a very difficult phone call to say "i won't."
ceej sat by my side as i became a grown up and found some courage.
i was kind. i was persistent. and it ended. i finally felt what it felt like to
be brave and honest and kind all at once.
this is a good change indeed...

of course difficult times are ahead for me,
as is any new path, but this path i believe in.

am ready for a weekend with sister #3 and friends
while sister #3 runs a half-Ironman race {preparing for a full IronMan in a month!}.

sending courage and kindness your way.
see you on monday.

"i and this mystery here we stand"

i've been thinking about how lucky i am
to live.

i've been thinking about
how hard it is to let go at first,
but how quickly i give in.

i've been thinking about stories
all over the world that have been
told over and over and over again.

i've been thinking about
things that make me want to weep
for mothers who bear heavy burdens.

i've been thinking about traveling to cold
places to find the earth moving in a way i've never known.

i've been thinking about the violin
and how it weeps and moves the earth to meet its depths.

i've been thinking about how to trim my list
of wants.

i've been thinking about books i'll never
know even exist
and the pages i'll never read.

i've been thinking of singing this song about gardens that revive the dead
and then going to croatia to sing this song that's been sung for generations.

i've been thinking about giving up worrying
and giving in to peace.

{photos by cj and me}

project film & hoping a good hope

today i am dreaming of good things,
i am hoping a good hope:
the kind of hoping that has no ounce of dread
attached to it;
the kind of hoping that lifts a burdened, unknowing heart;
the kind of hoping that makes you envision the simplest of futures
no matter the specifics;
the kind of hoping that reminds you that life is a fairytale
with both dragons and faeries;
the kind of hoping that takes no planning,
just your best foot forward.

i like this kind of hope.

project film : "calm as water when the winds are gone"

i am feeling so calm, hopeful, and in love these days.
i'm so incredibly in love with life--
with all of its ups and downs.
i'm in love with this softer heart i seem to be gaining.
i'm in love with being okay when i don't get everything done on the to-do list.
i'm in love with not wanting much.
i'm in love with ceej...so much so that i instantly miss him as soon as he's out the door for work.
i'm in love with a practically empty fridge and simple meals.
i'm in love with simple melodies and words on a page.
i'm in love with water and how it can simultaneously be stormy and calm.
i'm in love with trees and the life they sustain.
i'm in love with a mother who is graceful and siblings who have big hearts.
i'm in love with just breathing.

what are you in love with today?

project film : the sea & life

i took these photos a while back
when ceej and i spent a sunday afternoon
at drakes beach in point reyes national seashore.
we love point reyes, and will miss it deeply when we go.
..................................................................



i've been thinking about cold wind
from both mountains and the sea,
and how ready i am to wear the same
sweater day after day.
...................................................................
i've been thinking about music,
listening to cellos and violins
while closing my eyes and humming along.
....................................................................
i've been thinking about words,
the best words in the best order,
reading aloud and hoping someday
i find what it is i most want to say.
......................................................................
i've been thinking about how easily
i am moved to tears lately,
everyday i am overcome with gratitude and awe
for little things.
........................................................................
i've been thinking how lucky i am
to be alive and to see the things i see,
to know the people i know,
though they are few in number,
they are great in soul.
.........................................................................
i've been thinking about today.
how much i love that word, today.
that's all i have to think about and that's
all i have to worry about.
i just want to make today simply beautiful,
and give it my best.