i'll be dancing all day...and working on the next voyage mag project

kinda obsessed with LP. have you heard her? i'm also in love love love with this song.
feeling lots of optimism and excitement for what's ahead after i had my last day
in my poor grey cublicle yesterday.

ceej and i celebrated by going out to breakfast this morning...

and here i am, working again. happily. on our next voyage magazine adventure.

big things are in store.

feeling like i'm walking on clouds--levitating.

thank you for stopping by. always.

{p.s. i hope one of my future kids wants to be a rockstar}

manifesto : i've looked fear in the face...every day

i've never been one to seek an adrenaline rush...i like to mosey, to walk, to watch, to breathe.

however, i can't tell you how much gratification and joy i receive when i look a fear
right in the face and charge right through it with forcefulness, grace, and wisdom.
i love the way it gets my heart beating, and the way it makes me want to dance (mostly to this).
forget simply leaning in--i want to jump, dance, shout, sing in.

what have i been afraid of?
::graduate school--but i'll be graduating this summer at oxford. dancing about that one.
::playing the violin--started two years ago and love every scratchy note as they become more clear and pure.
::buying a house--we move in at the end of may
::starting a business--i'm quitting the cubicle (yay!) and starting two businesses
::telling people what i think--turns out people like what i think, and if they don't, oh well.
::laughing and talking too loud--CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
::authority figures--not anymore. i was born to push back, to question, to want something better.
::setting boundaries--i've got some pretty good ones in place, and am about to set some more.
::climbing mountains--climbed the grand teton last fall, and will be announcing a new goal to climb another mountain.

if you didn't catch that, i'm lookin' at my last couple of days in a cubicle...
this has been so hard for me. i've always thought to be valued i needed a "real" job--whatever that means.
the cubicle was not for me, friends. and it never will be.

i've decided to own the fact that i do things differently and like to make new paths...
so here i go. two businesses to wrangle down and get going.


would love to hear what fears you've looked straight in the face. would love to hear about your strengths, confidence, and courage.

onward.

(p.s. after i looked another fear in the face last night i was full of dancing--ceej was supposedly "playing solitaire on his phone...turns out he was filming me "bust da move". pray the gods don't ever let that out in the public)

life via this lens | vignettes

         

these days are lovely...filled with good memories:

:: many walks through our tree-canopied neighborhood, enjoying the spring weather
:: lots of lunch dates with friends and ceej {my fave with ceej celebrating our first kiss}
:: dreaming of dream houses
:: practicing the violin any free moment i get
:: enjoying new cook books and eating fresh veggies
:: new baby in the family--so sweet
:: walks in the desert to our spring to throw rocks
:: new summer hats {hip, hip!}
:: loving these spring days: snow in the morning, sunshine in the afternoon.
:: keats almost all day every day


life is good. sometimes i wonder if it's all going to work out--and somehow things come and go
and i would say it all works out indeed.

happy weekend!


{follow me on instagram to see more images}

manifesto monday : a deliberate imagination

i have come to realize the power of a deliberate imagination.

it started over three years ago when ceej and i started to suspect
that his company might be moving to our dream location at
the foot of our mountains...

initially we didn't want to get our hopes up.
but, then, i decided it was all about getting our hopes up
and imagining our dream scenario at that point in our lives.

i let myself get giddy. i imagined the long-awaited announcement.
it was fun. i was happy. and, yes, it was also lucky.

here we are living at the foot of our mountains, and i got to enjoy
the entire process--avoiding my habit of worry.

and so i learned. thinking, imagining, and letting my mind wander
to all the possibilities was not only fun, but it made my actions
more deliberate.

ceej and i are once again in a place that requires a big and positive imagination.
we're starting a business, we're house-hunting, we're making career decisions.

and we're having fun with it. we're imagining what we want,
and then we act. deliberate.

i find that prayer, meditation, list-making, talking late into the night with ceej,
and talking to a dear friend on the phone
are all so common--because these are all ways that allow me to be more
mindful of what i'm feeling, thinking, and doing.

imagination. mindfullness. deliberate thoughts and actions.

i'm also finding that the more convinced that "i think i can"
the more convinced others are that i can--and the support,
the encouragement, and the help comes flooding in.

it's good to be here. in all this imaginative bliss.
because i can.

this i believe.

life this instant...sort of

things are busy, but things sure are beautiful. been enjoying:

::cold wintry days {trying not to think of the heat of summer that everyone is so excited about}

::house hunting

::having lunch, tea, treats with dear girlfriends and my ceej

::skiing {and trying to strengthen these weak thighs}

::discovering new treats to devour

::making new and sparkly treats

::enjoying my morning meals at home

::practicing the violin {learning how to make time for this joy}

::flipping through the pages of the first print copy of our voyage magazine {excited!}

looking forward to a long weekend.

will be spending it with family,

and taking lots of time to work on

my business plan--no time off for this

entrepreneur. 

happy looooong weekend everyone!

sister is going to have a wee little soon

my older sister is just about ready to welcome her first little...
after almost twenty years of trying to get pregnant she's finally
going to have a little boy. i can hardly wait.
and neither can she.

love this miracle.

aren't they all so pretty?

manifesto monday : a dreamy life

these days i work nine to five in a grey cubicle. if i turn my head one hundred degrees to the right,
slightly kinking my neck, i can see out a window...where i see another building.
it's been a while since i've found myself in this sort of place: punchcard, deadlines, eating lunch at my desk, etc.

as expected, the first few weeks unhinged me a bit, especially the scheduling part--
where did my days go? how would i keep up my creative projects/outlets?
my violin was sadly neglected, and my callouses were on the verge of disappearance.
cooking consisted of toast and smoothies (thank goodness for a vitamix christmas gift).
exercise went from six days a week to two days a week.

i know you've all been there.
busy.
grey cubicle.
new job learning curve.
struggle for balance.

the balance is coming.
finally signed up at a yoga studio for regular classes.
making deliberate schedules and time for violin, cooking, and...

starting a business.
which involves: textile vendors in new zealand, a local factory, a pattern maker, market research,
working with designers on branding, and convincing investors that our idea is brilliantly fool-proof.

what is it? for now, i will tell you it is a dream coming to life.
(if you follow me on instagram you'll know more about it).

sweet dreams are coming as i find my way through this sweet life.

happy monday, dear readers. what are you doing to make sweet dreams?

winter has settled in : january moves into february

winter has settled in as we've experienced storm after storm after storm--we even had a rare ice storm.

i've been a bit saddened that i haven't been able to enjoy the snow as much as usual.
life is busy: a new job, starting a business, planning for another voyage magazine adventure, finding time to practice the violin, and keep my backcountry skiing lungs strong, and house hunting. there isn't enough time for everything, and so i am hoping to find a way to simplify, to sacrifice, to free up my life for the real priorities.

i had hoped to write more today as i am home from work with the flu--but unfortunately my heart isn't entirely cooperating. i just want to stay under my covers and fall in and out of sleep.

isn't january beautiful?


{p.s. lowell c. bennion was my grandmother's cousin}

"stop a moment, cease your work, look around you." -leo tolstoy

things i've realized when i stopped to look around me lately:

::my pillows are so soft and cozy...until the middle of the night when i throw them to the ground::

::i never tire of looking across the albion basin at mt. superior on a bluebird ski day::

::tea is always good in the afternoon--even when i don't particularly like the flavor::

::i could peel a tangerine a million times and never get over how lovely it smells::

::i love staring across a restaurant table at my favorite person in the world...especially when he's telling me of his dreams::

::while playing a heart-wrenching arrangement of silent night with a group of twelve violinists in front of hundreds it's totally possible to get away with "air-bowing" when i forget my notes::

::sixteenth notes look so pretty on the page::

::i love the peter pan collar on my christmas eve pj's::

::berries always look better on snow-heavy branches::

::the germans are so efficient...hot chocolate on a stick::

::i'm glad to be a vegetarian when the waitress brings cj his mountain-high meaty sandwich...good luck::

happy friday, everyone!

thanks for stopping by.

{p.s. details for our next into the woods adventure are here!}

twirling : how to get a pulse back

can i tell you how healing it is for me to head to the mountains to our cabin?
it's priceless. my ability to focus and manage my time there is incredible.
i feel my pulse come back into my veins. i get fiery. i get decisive. i get fearless.

this morning, during my run, my pulse was with me. strong.
that pulse brings visions and ideas to my brain, one thought after another. steady.

this afternoon...the pulse left me. i felt a bit defeated, finding myself in a space that just didn't feel right.

my solutions: first, get something to eat {grilled cheese with tomato}. second, take a breath while
watching my thoughts. accepting them. third, enjoy a piece of chocolate. fourth, turn on music with a pulse {violins} and peruse through the weekend's cabin photos....

then find pictures of a moment of pure bliss i had while walking at sunset through an aspen forest with ceej.
i couldn't resist that twirling. i couldn't help but smile and laugh...there it was. my pulse.

slowly, i feel it coming back to me...though it's not quite at twirling stage yet.
there's too much cleaning, emailing, list-making, and studying to do in my small little space in too short a time. but it's coming back. because it has to. because it always does.

by the weekend, i should be twirling again.

taking time to let this autumn mood settle in : via john keats's "to autumn"

i woke up to a drizzle of raindrops, and went on my run through the sycamore-canopied streets in the dark...not knowing how thick the sky was with clouds--though i did notice i could not see the stars.
i drove to work before any warm light of the sunrise had appeared, but as the sky barely began to light i noticed low misty clouds settling at the base of the mountains, and heading straight up the canyon...
where the snow has started to fall. the first snow. it's here...up there in the mountains.

as usual, there is lots on the to-do list today, but i'm feeling a need to take a break--
to let this autumn settle into my heart. i've been so busy i've hardly had time to enjoy the leaves
changing in the mountains. there's been no baking of pumpkin spice nor has there been any
butternut squash soup. it's been a busy fall, and so now i'm soaking in this gray sky and its mists.

i'm dreaming too. i'm letting myself drift for a bit away from now. i'm imagining future days ahead.
i think about a home--because every fall i feel like i'm ready to put roots down in a small
home with wood floors, white walls, and big windows. i'm ready to have a kitchen to heat up spiced milk while reading ecological, botanical, and musical articles. i'm ready to have an office space to organize, create spreadsheets, make phone calls, and create business cultures that flourish. i'm ready to put pumpkins out on my porch, and set up the gravestones we made last year for halloween. i'm ready to crush up fennel seeds to make my favorite homemade ice cream. i'm ready to see my books stored and organized for me to browse through in the evenings...

but i'm feeling that "miles to go before i sleep" sensation. all of that sounds so comforting right now, and so i'll let it comfort me. because some day i'll have my roots planted. and now...back to now. back to studying in my small little room. back to trying to manage the clutter. back to taking one step at a time. back to appreciating a cup of licorice tea. back to appreciating arvo part's "my heart's in the highlands" piping through my headphones. back to this lovely gray sky and the snow that i know is somewhere up there in the mountains.

project grand teton : the last post...why i wanted to climb the mountain

i gave up rock climbing years ago. i loved being outside, but, honestly, i didn't like the ego

that seeps into many as they "conquer," "punish," "mount," or any "pick-your-empirialistic-verb" when they set out on their projects in the wilderness. i just couldn't handle it any more.

so i put my climbing shoes away in a box somewhere, forgot what my harness looked like, and started walking, strolling, and picnicking with ceej and a handful of friends. 

i really enjoyed just being outside and watching wildness. there were never any hard-and-fast goals.

just go outside.

i was convinced, and ceej was convinced, that i'd never put on a harness again or tie a figure-8 knot.

this was enough. and it still is. 

however, last fall as i went walking through the grand tetons up cascade canyon

ceej and james climbed the entire grand teton in one day.

they were exhausted by the time we met up again. i was relieved that i had not joined them.

long ago i gave up on seeking exhaustion, limits, and the edge (they seem to come naturally enough).

i was happy with my little stroll. and i was content to end the day reading about trees while i awaited

their safe return.

i looked at their pictures, and was happy for ceej that he did something he had always wanted to do.

no further thought on my part. hooray for ceej.

but the thought of doing something outside of my comfort zone slowly started to fill my hesitant veins. 

maybe i wanted to climb the grand teton? 

maybe i wanted to start climbing and skiing the volcanoes of the northwest?

maybe i wanted to really explore the west, and learn to find comfort in my discomfort...

even if it meant dealing with the ego: mine and everyone else's.

so we started planning. casually. i started running more, and running up mountains (which is usually more like fast walking). but i decided i was probably stronger than i thought. i decided that i needed to understand my mind and my body better. i decided that beautiful mountains, fantastic views, and difficult climbs were worth it. or, at least i hoped they were.

for most of my life i felt weak in many ways. so vulnerable.

i still feel weak and vulnerable...

but now i know that feeling weak and vulnerable and inadequate have nothing to do with my ability to accomplish challenging tasks. if i wasn't sacred, what's the big deal? 

so here i am, once again, learning to embrace vulnerability in a new way. 

climbing the grand teton started out relatively easy. it was challenging, but in that "i feel strong" sort of way. but as the storm came closer, and the hours slipped away, and my mind started to worry the vulnerability came back. and i'm glad it did. i learned that when i'm scared i can keep my cool and keep moving. i learned that when i'm scared i can also lose it, and start crying when my body won't respond like i want it to. i learned that both moving and crying now and then are incredible ways our body and mind get us through tough situations. 

thanks to ceej and matt for being the best guides i could have ever had. they were funny, encouraging, thoughtful, strong, and humble. these are my favorite kind of mountain people. 

immediately after our trip, and for the following two weeks i never thought i'd want to do that again...

but, now, of course, i'm thinking about another adventure up the grand someday...maybe after we climb and ski down mt. rainier, of course

thinking about the contradictions that are inside

lately i've been thinking how sometimes i feel like i have whiplash from
jolting back and forth between hopes and fears:
some days i am giddy with day dreams and checking things off my list that will
hopefully land me smack-dab in the middle of my dreams and goals;
other days i am confronted with that other reality which is the past and the present,
void of the realizations of hopes and dreams i expected in years previous.


i'm constantly in a tiring battle, making sure that those optimistic vibes win out
because that's what will bring the dreams right? positive thinking?...


or is it both? is it the contradictions? is it the fears and the hopes?
do my fears fuel my hopes, and my hopes create new fears that motivate
me to move, to progress, to struggle for the seemingly impossible?
to close my eyes and yell "tiwanda!" as i run through the scary things?


so today, i decided that my dreams are made up of both hopes and, especially, my fears.
onward and through the thick of it all!


here's to a motivated week!

how the humanities have made me human

i'm not quite sure my brain has had a moment of quiet for the past couple of weeks...
the ideas have been continuous, and i have been trying to keep up.
so i'm taking a moment to empty some of my thoughts here in this space.

i have often had to defend my humanities pursuits in academia to those of a more "practical" nature--
recently, i have had to revisit my defense in light of my more "practical" change of direction.
i only briefly contemplated foregoing finishing this graduate degree in english literature and creative writing. very briefly. because i immediately called to mind and heart everything that the written word
has taught me about humanity. it has taught me that every word counts. it has taught me how to look
into a soul to realize how complex, how very different, how very much the same humans are. it has taught me that fiction is often closer to the truth than simple fact-telling. reading and writing literary criticism has taught me how to ask questions--my own questions and how to find answers, though they are not always so clear and precise. it has taught me that no matter how original we try to be, we always come back to the same essential truths.

i feel a deep sense of gratitude that i have learned how to dig deep into a poem, a novel, a play
and find what moves a human to be human. in addition to pursuing a more "practical" route, i am also
carrying with me my creativity. creativity + real life skills = dreams. i feel that bringing this balance into my life will ignite a fire not necessarily grand, but full of a light that will show me the way.

thank you, shakespeare. thank you, keats. thank you, donne.


{these are some photos from oxford last summer}

i'm in love with spring and barbara kingsolver...who wouldn't have a serious crush on a woman that possesses so much insight and gumption?

it's true. i too go nuts. and i love it. who cares if promises are broken, or whatever mr. eliot experienced.
i find that spring is always a burst of mighty gusto and determination...just the push i need to get going.

today as i've been happily studying and working i have
been simultaneously day-dreaming. my favorite time to dream.
every word i come across on a page has so much weight.
i wonder how i can use this word, and how this word or that sentence might help me.

i send off a handful of emails reaching out to people who have
traveled the path i hope to travel, and i'm so grateful to strangers who are eager to help.
just a few months ago i would have been afraid of reaching out,
worried that i would appear like a weasling "networker."
but oh how i assumed wrong! people are amazing, and i'm learning so much.

can i tell you how much i love barbara kingsolver? can i tell you how much i love saying
"who cares?!" to any platitude or quote taken out of context?
my past self would have squirmed at the idea of contradicting a poet i  revere and love so much,
but ms. kingsolver has consistantly given me permission to slash through those nice little quotes
that i find so often pasted shamelessly on almost every page of the interweb.
(i too am guilty! i mean, obviously i love a quote that speaks to me...but i definitely reserve the right to tear it apart two weeks or two years from now).

this spring i think i have surprised many with my new direction,
but those who have been such good friends recognize that this direction
suits me best, and are my biggest champions. hooray for people who
have seen you all along.

so what's the big idea? more grad school...a joint degree that involves an mba.
yes, business. the more i tear down my archaic ideas of business the more i find
that it is the perfect creative and effective path for me to pursue. as soon as i made
the decision all sorts of opportunities have presented themselves as i've worked
hard to put myself out there and study my brains out. things haven't necessarily
"fallen" into place--it's just been somehow "easier" to work hard at something
that feels so natural. and now i'm just trying to keep up...while still scheduling
15 minute power naps into my afternoon...

wahoo!

:: this is my quiet easter sunday ::

this earthy holiday of rebirth certainly lifts a heart, and freshens up a stale soul.

things are moving. lots is happening. it's a bit terrifying, but mostly exhilarating.

this spring air, without a doubt, makes magic happen--mostly within this heart of mine.

i'm embarking on scary things. big things. wonderful things. i'm all too aware that

the higher i aim the more dramatic the fall...but, mostly, i'm over it. sort of.

the path? well, we'll see how all the details work themselves out.

but the goal is clear: start my own school. give me ten, twenty years. 

i'll have a school. i've finally given myself a heart-to-heart about real dreams,

not "back-up" dreams when the real dreams seem too crazy.

spring has given me the guts to do hard things. it's given me the will-power

to put my pride aside, to study harder than i've ever studied, to work harder

than i've ever worked--and i'm enjoying every minute of it.

this earth is moving me. is it moving you?

{ceej has arrived safely in china. miss him terribly. one week. here we go.}