project grand teton : the last post...why i wanted to climb the mountain

i gave up rock climbing years ago. i loved being outside, but, honestly, i didn't like the ego

that seeps into many as they "conquer," "punish," "mount," or any "pick-your-empirialistic-verb" when they set out on their projects in the wilderness. i just couldn't handle it any more.

so i put my climbing shoes away in a box somewhere, forgot what my harness looked like, and started walking, strolling, and picnicking with ceej and a handful of friends. 

i really enjoyed just being outside and watching wildness. there were never any hard-and-fast goals.

just go outside.

i was convinced, and ceej was convinced, that i'd never put on a harness again or tie a figure-8 knot.

this was enough. and it still is. 

however, last fall as i went walking through the grand tetons up cascade canyon

ceej and james climbed the entire grand teton in one day.

they were exhausted by the time we met up again. i was relieved that i had not joined them.

long ago i gave up on seeking exhaustion, limits, and the edge (they seem to come naturally enough).

i was happy with my little stroll. and i was content to end the day reading about trees while i awaited

their safe return.

i looked at their pictures, and was happy for ceej that he did something he had always wanted to do.

no further thought on my part. hooray for ceej.

but the thought of doing something outside of my comfort zone slowly started to fill my hesitant veins. 

maybe i wanted to climb the grand teton? 

maybe i wanted to start climbing and skiing the volcanoes of the northwest?

maybe i wanted to really explore the west, and learn to find comfort in my discomfort...

even if it meant dealing with the ego: mine and everyone else's.

so we started planning. casually. i started running more, and running up mountains (which is usually more like fast walking). but i decided i was probably stronger than i thought. i decided that i needed to understand my mind and my body better. i decided that beautiful mountains, fantastic views, and difficult climbs were worth it. or, at least i hoped they were.

for most of my life i felt weak in many ways. so vulnerable.

i still feel weak and vulnerable...

but now i know that feeling weak and vulnerable and inadequate have nothing to do with my ability to accomplish challenging tasks. if i wasn't sacred, what's the big deal? 

so here i am, once again, learning to embrace vulnerability in a new way. 

climbing the grand teton started out relatively easy. it was challenging, but in that "i feel strong" sort of way. but as the storm came closer, and the hours slipped away, and my mind started to worry the vulnerability came back. and i'm glad it did. i learned that when i'm scared i can keep my cool and keep moving. i learned that when i'm scared i can also lose it, and start crying when my body won't respond like i want it to. i learned that both moving and crying now and then are incredible ways our body and mind get us through tough situations. 

thanks to ceej and matt for being the best guides i could have ever had. they were funny, encouraging, thoughtful, strong, and humble. these are my favorite kind of mountain people. 

immediately after our trip, and for the following two weeks i never thought i'd want to do that again...

but, now, of course, i'm thinking about another adventure up the grand someday...maybe after we climb and ski down mt. rainier, of course

we made it to the summit, after hours of waiting in line, it only snowed a little, and we finally made it back to the car after midnight

{the summit}

we were sure we'd be back down to camp at the lower saddle by lunchtime.
however, hours past our goal we made it back to camp.

~ woke up at 6:30 a.m. after a warm night's sleep

~ knew the group of sixteen high school kids had a hour and a half lead on us so we weren't worried about congestion on the route (this is a one-person-at-a-time route)

~ ate our oatmeal breakfast (which i can't even think about without getting a little queasy)

~ packed our gear, and noticed that our hearts had happily acclimatized to the high altitude. optimism reigned!

~ we walked up the trail, and began the scramble up loose rocks and large boulders

~ arrived at the first pitch, "wall street," where we got stuck waiting for a group for over an hour. still optimistic. no big deal.

~ stayed warm in the shade and wind with lots of layers. ate snacks. told jokes.

~ finally took our turn up wall street. matt lead. i followed. had to get down on my belly to retrieve a cam that had "walked"--was trying to keep my cool. kept climbing/scooting along on the ledge while avoiding looking down: 2000 ft of air below me. don't fall here. made it. ceej followed.

~ got stuck behind another group at the next pitch. more waiting. amazing how fast 45 minutes or an hour goes by on the mountain. still having fun. especially now that we're in the sun. the layers start coming off.

~ finally our turn to climb again. we zoom up the pitch. fun. easy.

~ then more free climbing, no need to rope up for a bit. we're flying.

~ another group ahead. have to wait.

~ then a new group with a guide cuts in front of us. not cool. guide is fast, his clients are not. another hour goes by.

~ our turn again. we fly up the pitch. still positive despite rude people.

~ the views are incredible, by the way.

~ run into more people. more waiting.

~ starting to wonder if we'll ever make it to the top. keeping my cool. keep moving.

~ one more pitch left. we get a little off route, but are now joining forces with another group of three. scary, but we got through and back on route.

~ finally made it to the summit 4:30 pm...but i wanted off fast: storm clouds were moving in. worst nightmare.

~ smile, take a picture, make way to repel down.

~ stuck behind rude guide on the repel. snow flakes start falling. freaking out inside, but know it will not help. so i keep my cool and keep moving.

~ finally our turn to repel. a little slippery with ice from a previous snow storm. yikes. keep moving.

~ clouds getting closer. time for second repel...into the open air. no big deal keep moving. beat the storm.

~ everyone down from repel. miracle: storm blows away towards another peak. hallelujah. take a deep breath.

~ still have lots to descend to get back to camp.

~ a couple hours later we're back at camp...the sun is about to set. pack up everything, get down asap.

~ start hiking down the entire mountain, dark comes too soon.

~ headlamps are on as we descend steep loose rock and boulder fields

~ still haven't had lunch, but i just want to get to the meadow first...keep moving

~ knees and legs are killing me. where is the meadow? it's not coming soon enough.

~ after a couple hours in the dark we finally make it to the meadow.

~ take packs off, eat lunch at 10:00 pm

~ i'm hypoglycemic, but don't know it. shaking. can't get my hand to reach for a roll. i lose it. the tears come. ceej helps me make a cheese sandwich. i eat, but have a hard time swallowing. dehydrated too.

~ ceej slices an apple for me. best. thing. ever. i've never tasted something so sweet. getting a little giddy. love. this. apple. blood sugar starts to rise. shaking slowly stops.

~ motivated to keep going to get down to car so we can find a hotel to sleep in. keep moving.

~ more hiking in the dark. they don't make headlamps comfortable enough to wear for more than an hour. note to designers.

~ make it all the way back down to the car at 1:30 am. wahoooooooooo! never been so relieved in all my life.

~ find a hotel. they have one room left. we'll take it.

~ the boys go straight to bed. i shower first. then finally slip into the sheets. heaven.


what a trip. i've never been so exhausted in all my life. lesson learned: wake up EARLY to avoid waiting for so many different groups. the waiting is what killed our time for sure. hours of waiting led to hiking down in the dark. ugh. next time we'll start sooner. long before the sun comes up so we can be off the mountain before the sun sets.

project grand teton : enjoying sunset at the lower saddle and hoping for a warmer night's sleep

life was good at the lower saddle. food, very casual walks, sunset views, views of the valley below and the huge plume of smoke from a nearby fire (who knew that forest fires could create their own weather systems?! amazing to watch from above). yes, yes indeed. life was good at the lower saddle:


~ throw packs down on the ground at our little walled-in campsite

~ eat a late lunch: 7-grain rolls, havarti cheese, and fig jam for me; + italian salami for the men. luxury.

~ start to add layers as my body cools from rest, and the sun makes its way behind multiple mountain ranges

~ laugh at how hard it is to breathe after taking 5 steps up the hill

~ see group of sixteen high school students make their way to the lower saddle

~ get annoyed at their guide who claims he "owns" this mountain. makes. me. sick.

~ stay far away from guide and sixteen high school students while we watch the beautiful sunset.

~ watch the light paint the peaks as it settles in for the night.

~ eat dinner: pad thai. wasn't that great. but needed the calories.

~ dessert: oatmeal chocolate chip cookies followed by tea for me, hot cocoa for the men.

~ add more layers for fear it will be colder than last night's frost down in the valley.

~ set alarm for 6:00 a.m. tomorrow's a big day. hoping to be back at camp by noon or 1:00 p.m.


all is quiet. the stars kept us cozy. and off to sleep we went...