halloooo out there {out there as in being outside, which i am pining for}

oh my. i'm being eaten by a boa-constrictor piles of books and loose pages of essays.

somehow i've either forgotten how to schedule life or i have filled my days with too much

{fyi: life is "too busy" if i cannot find an hour a day to do as i please: take a nap, read books, stare at the wall, knit...a luxury? not for me. down time is essential to this woman's sanity}.

i've been noticing, quite acutely, how much my out-of-doors time has been cut back.

it's bad. very, very bad. i seem to be inhabiting rooms these days...usually the office/study.

how long have i been back in school? oh yes. only two weeks, and i'm already 

resenting these books {which i do love} for their neediness.

i'm busy. by my standards. and i'm wondering how to remedy my dilemma.

(a) learn how to schedule better, and stay away from the interwebs

(b) adopt a scaled-back schedule by dropping a class that isn't necessary now (or ever, really), and that is causing me lots and lots of stress...though i keep it in the schedule because i don't want to feel like i "gave up." hmph. 

point: i need to get outside more, and find more quiet time...especially now that the snow has finally started to fall. 

{photos from our trip to grand teton national park last summer/fall}

film : a summer's walk outside oxford

hello lovely readers. how was the weekend? we had such a great, relaxing weekend

spending time with good friends and revisiting our favorite epic story...which is to be continued.

i recently made a long overdue trip to the photo lab to get some of my images

processed from my time in england last summer. 

after looking at these images (and more that i will post later) i think i finally know

how i want to use a camera like this little graflex.

my favorite images are, as always, images where i used a shallow depth of field.

it was tricky as i was usually in need of a small aperture, meaning i didn't get my desired effect all that often. but i am learning how to use such a great little camera, and i hope

i have just a little more time with it before i return it to its owner.

and in other news, i start classes today (hip, hip hooray!)

i'm taking a couple supplemental courses to expedite my graduation date,

and i couldn't be more happy to be on my way to buy textbooks and blank notebooks.

happy monday!

a baby graflex for my uk travels!

tomorrow. i leave tomorrow! lots of mixed feelings of course.

but overall, e.x.c.i.t.e.d. beyond the dreamiest of dreams.

school is going to be fantastic. can't wait to meet up with classmates from last summer,

and then to meet a whole new slew of awesome people.

a friend of ours let me borrow this little twin lens reflex camera. woohoo!

should be a fun little toy to have as i travel (hopefully) on the weekends.

am thinking i need to find a way to obtain one of these tents

to properly experience the england i hope to see.

we'll see if that happens...i wonder how much they are to ship?

am signing off for the next few days...

when i see you next, it will be from the beautiful city of oxford.

(still pinching myself that i'll be going to school here!)

manifesto monday : winter

yesterday my hopes were high...the morning was cloudy, and i yearned for the clouds to stay and was desperate for the weather forecast to be prophetic; for its prophecy to fulfilled within the day: rain. while i warmed some soup for lunch the clouds let go of their heavy burden, and i opened up the windows to feel the cold wind that came as a breath cools a hot drink that threatens to burn our senses. the long summer heat does that to me--burns my senses till i am a melted heap of lifeless flesh without energy to gather myself for my passions. this rain was relief for a desperate soul, cooling my steaming kettle so that i avoided my own screaming when i had had enough of the boiling heat.

the windows were open. a string quartet was my quiet background soundtrack. i found my softest blanket and oversized sweatshirt, and cuddled up on the couch lit up with warm library-esque light from a lamp. i read about fall in wisconsin during the depression--about how beautiful night walks were then, as they are now, when you can see your breath escaping your lips. and even back then, people's hopes were high--every little miracle was indeed miraculous. when my eyes tired of black type on the page i stood and walked to the window to watch and smell the rain {wishing whole-heartedly that cj was home}, and then i would make my way back to my little corner "library" to read sentences that i can hardly resist underlining.

i've always felt more alive when it's cold when winter is coming on; i'm more alert. i suddenly become aware of my cheeks and the tip of my nose as the wind whips them rosy. i am careful to watch my step, where i am going, so the ice does not send me ungracefully to my back. i think ahead, always prepared for a blizzard. i'm more willing to get moving...to keep the blood flowing against the icy cold. i notice the trees themselves...no leaves to hide their wood. i notice how magical it is how the ice clings to their branches and sparkles when the sun rises and sets. winter cannot come fast enough. i long for this season of "sleep" that awakens me entirely.

this i believe.

back from another land...

redwood national park and the surrounding areas are probably some of the most other-worldly places i've ever visited. i haven't felt so much awe and calm in quite a while. forests were deep, incredibly quiet, and filled with trees hundreds- and thousands-years-old, trees that have been here longer than most civilizations. coasts full of foggy mists and crashing waves enough to stir any hardened soul to wonder. i'm still digesting it all.

i took film photos, and will hopefully be sending them off to a photo lab within the next couple of days...while that's being taken care of, i'll show you the digital photos that cj took. this photo above was one of my few "instant" gratification shots: a polaroid with the ol' graflex.

manifesto monday : on breathing, heart, and simplicity

i am overwhelmed...

with joy, with expectations, with passion, with solitude, with the goodness of simplicity.

i often find myself breathing deeply and deliberately with eyes resting shut.

i am taking my classes one word at a time...

reading one word at a time, writing one word at a time.

i've had to break it down.

i am in love with my mostly empty closet here,

in love with my simple bedroom...its walls bare, the furniture plain.

i am swooning over every word of poetry i read aloud...

i must read aloud and slowly and plainly so my heart and mind can comprehend.

i must tell you all how healing this is, i want all of you to experience it.

it is magic.

just re-read wordsworth's "the ruined cottage" and my heart and eyes and lungs

sighed.

magic.

i'm breathing deeply.

my heart both rejoices and aches

{rejoices for beautiful things i am learning, aches for ceej}.

i am overwhelmed.

this i believe.

{photo taken of me by ceej. june 2010}

picnic days! and a new toy...

our weekly picnic days are back!

our tuesday farmers market opened up again for the season...

which means i get to meet ceej for lunch for the most delicious tamales!!!

am very pleased about this.

it already feels too hot here.

why?

i think the high was only 77...

but it was just too hot,

so we sought shelter in the shade...

but, as shade tends to do, it moved on us,

leaving us hot, hot, hot,

and too lazy to move the blanket.

and, voila!

the newest of our toys:

we finally got a lens board to attach

this amazing lens to our graflex.

we're pretty excited to use it in yosemite this weekend.

which reminds me that we have stacks of negatives that i need to scan

so i can show you long overdue graflex images...i'll get to it sometime.

this lens is magic.

wish you could meet us at the park

so you could see just how amazing this lens is.

i guess you will have to wait

until we use it,

and i get motivated to scan, scan, scan.

finding a life...

i am a big believer in the old saying that
those who lose their lives will find life,
and those who look for life will lose it.

i'm trying to let go.
let go of the wheel,
but it seems too risky. too irresponsible.

i, like everyone else, want to contribute beauty to this world.
i am addicted to searching out corrupt, violent, and selfish programs, governments, and corporations,
and then trying to find a hopeful and real solution to the problems.

i see how each of my friends boldly and courageously fight injustice.
i admire them. i want to emulate them.
but i'm not sure i've found a way to voice my concerns with my own voice.
i'm not sure how to speak up, how to take action.


some days i think being a lawyer would help me right so many wrongs.
some days i imagine being a brilliant economist who considers humanity.
other days i dream of being a radical mom: canning, teaching, gardening, sewing, participating in a larger community.
other days i just want to read and write. i'm safe here in my apartment.

i'll tell you what i'm afraid of:
academics - i know the criticism that they can fire my way...wish i was academic, but have too much heart and lack a sufficient vocabulary most days.
strangers - people who don't know me or my heart intimately.
shortcomings - my own ignorance.
letting go - this terrifies me.

how do i find my life? my voice?
these are the questions i have been exploring from the moment i wake
until my head finally stops chattering and i fall asleep at night.

hoping to lose my life.
so i can find it.

oh, thank you!

Trees by the American River Sacramento, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

whoa! thank you everyone who was oh so willing to help me out. i'm so grateful to all of you. you know how much i love photographing trees, the ocean, and us...but i need to learn how to photograph the rest of your beautiful faces and fine-tune my style.

have a picture-perfect weekend!

{p.s. happy birthday to my sister! favorite things we did this past year: visited grandma & grandpa an innumberable amount of times, saw this movie together--changed my life, and went out to get cupcakes a few times. you're the best!}

if you live in salt lake city, i need your help...

Ann spring 2009, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i will be in salt lake city january 20th-25th. i need to practice photographing people. so if you want a

family photo,
portraits of you and your kids,
engagement photos,
or a love shoot...

i will do it for FREE.
{what a great little valentine you can give to your loved ones, yes?}
you rub my back and i'll rub yours.
if you are interested please email me at

lady.of.lorien9@gmail.com

and please spread the word!!

I'm totally booked!!! Thanks for all your support.

I'll be doing this again. One more time. Hopefully in March.

So stay tuned!

{photo of me doing what i love taken by the amazing cj whittaker}

on the darkest day of the year...

on this day, the darkest of the year,
i celebrate
my new fire
that has been stoked by your kindness
and by that something that is intangible by
everything but the heart.
indeed, i feel most alive when it is dark and cold.
my entire being perks up
with a warmth and a goodness that is
oh so specific.
here's to our new fire.

.....

thank you dearly and truly for kind words.

feeling better already after some sleep.

have a brave weekend!

{photo by me. november 2009}

this old house...

my family moved in.

one year later i came along.

we never moved again...

one home for my entire childhood.

it won't be long now...

we'll be saying goodbye to this place

soon, but who knows really...

will be bitter sweet when it goes.

{photos by me. november 2009}

it's all pretty now

is it wise to admit to being a dreamer?
of course, you already know i love to dream.
but that hasn't always been the case...

once upon a time dreams were scary,
because they were so pretty and wondrous...
how could a little girl like me ever expect
it all to come true?

certainly there is disappointment in this life,
and the possibility of failure scared me even more than
the beauty and wonder.

then one day i woke.
isn't it all so beautiful?
the dreams and the failure...

you can't lose.

dream big dreams, and dream them little too...
because the little dreams are just as big,
and the failure is just as pretty as the dream.

{photo by me. november 2009}

the trees that are oh so wise...

i dream of dancing on a lake
beneath stars that hum;
of standing still amidst a gathering storm.

i watch the aged trees
older than i.
the trees that are oh so wise.

i think how similar you and i are,
and how fragile.
i break and you get cut.

i wish for pretty days, and strangely
for horrid days too.
both reveal my strength.

i try to be good and kind,
as well as fight the good fights--
even when alone or seems so.

i remember that i have all of you
who love, who give, who live;
your spirit gives me life.

i watch my grandparents age,
the world has changed too much.
they grow tired and ready.

i hear all sounds at once coming together,
making sounds of life;
going on and on and on.

i forget much of my childhood and adolescence
but i know the good and the bad.
my past made me.

i do what i can.
it's more than enough.
i am always blessed.

i dream of dancing on a lake
beneath stars that hum;
of standing through it all.

photo and poem by me. october 2009.

i like to make pretty things: the skirt

i've had some very pretty embroidered fabric for a while now,
and i finally decided what i wanted it for:
a skirt.
a very pretty, womanly skirt.

i worked on it all weekend.
no pattern.
so there were a few mistakes and re-do's.

but in the end it turned out quite lovely.
i'll post some more pictures of it later this week.

ceej took these photos with our new toy.
old film.
thus, the yellow spots and faded look.
what do you think?

new-old polaroid!

ceej and i went to test out our
4x5 polaroid equipment.
1 out of 5 tries worked.
pretty sure the film we got was as old as dirt.

we'll keep trying.

the final submission...

this is the photo you voted as your favorite from this post.

i sent my entry in today...just two days before the deadline. early. not late. phew!

after you all so generously gave your opinion, ceej and i took the negative to a photo lab to have them scan the image (the images you saw earlier were our home-made scans: negatives placed on the laptop screen, took a photo of them, inverted them in photoshop...so we could show you...scans are expensive! $30 per negative!).

anyway, what do you think? hopefully, i at least get some kind of mention...we shall see how my photo skills play out. will keep you updated.

photo by me. september 13, 2009.

please help me decide...

remember when i posted about a contest i am entering? well, i've got to turn in my entry by wendesday! i am bit in panic mode about it {even though it's just a small little contest}. here's the self-portraits i shot a week ago. will you PLEASE leave a comment and tell me which one is your favorite? i have no idea which one to send in. your help would be seriously appreciated!

{1}

{2}

{3}

{4}

{5}


please leave a comment with your vote before tuesday 8:00 am (PST)

on assignment

so i've decided to enter a little contest...
mostly because it will force me to learn how to better use this old thing.
if you want to see how a pro uses it, click here and here.

i've been thinking how i need to be more deliberate with my photos...
digital makes it too easy to be lazy and just click away.
this graflex takes some serious patience,
and lots of trial and error {at least for me!}
please note braided hair: ann's favorite way to wear her hair for the past three years.
{also note: have not washed hair for 2 weeks! ya, pretty gross.}

i'll show you the results in a week or two {maybe}

photos taken by cj, my assistant for the afternoon. september 2009.