finding a life...


i am a big believer in the old saying that
those who lose their lives will find life,
and those who look for life will lose it.

i'm trying to let go.
let go of the wheel,
but it seems too risky. too irresponsible.

i, like everyone else, want to contribute beauty to this world.
i am addicted to searching out corrupt, violent, and selfish programs, governments, and corporations,
and then trying to find a hopeful and real solution to the problems.

i see how each of my friends boldly and courageously fight injustice.
i admire them. i want to emulate them.
but i'm not sure i've found a way to voice my concerns with my own voice.
i'm not sure how to speak up, how to take action.

some days i think being a lawyer would help me right so many wrongs.
some days i imagine being a brilliant economist who considers humanity.
other days i dream of being a radical mom: canning, teaching, gardening, sewing, participating in a larger community.
other days i just want to read and write. i'm safe here in my apartment.

i'll tell you what i'm afraid of:
academics - i know the criticism that they can fire my way...wish i was academic, but have too much heart and lack a sufficient vocabulary most days.
strangers - people who don't know me or my heart intimately.
shortcomings - my own ignorance.
letting go - this terrifies me.

how do i find my life? my voice?
these are the questions i have been exploring from the moment i wake
until my head finally stops chattering and i fall asleep at night.

hoping to lose my life.
so i can find it.


Kate said...

Ann- I struggle with the same thoughts.

I am afraid to choose.

I am afraid to choose what I will be "when I grow up" for fear that if I choose one thing, one occupation, one cause... I will un-choose all the rest I care so much about.

But, I think that that's the problem with being an entirely process-oriented person. You never choose. You become. At times this can feel like drifting.

zlb said...

i think the most important part of losing yourself is losing yourself to others. sometimes you just have to start where you are, notice the immediate needs of those right around you, respond to them, find ways to serve daily, let your hands get dirty. i agree with kate, this is a process, we can never know what the ultimate outcome for us will be before taking even the first step. just trust and move forward, do those small and simple things right around you. you are wonderful.

Char said...

wow...i think i needed to consider some of these questions that my brain just asked reading this. profound and thought provoking. thank you.

Tiffany Kadani said...

That's so interesting what you said about academics. You definitely need a thick skin while getting an education and I certainly did not have that. Still bearing the scars from my very thin skin.

I'm still trying to find my way.

Agnes said...

I don't think you can find life, life finds you. But I don't know. I'm just human after all. After all, we're all just human.

Kara Marie said...

we all want to save the world. some of us might come close, but none of us will ever fully manage to.

be faithful with today- the time, people, and responsibilities of it.

your ability to recognize your own limitations is a strength. don't be afraid to be weak; sometimes weakness is the strongest thing of all.

Angelique said...

Something I'm learning about academics after almost four years in graduate school...

All graduate students are secretly doubtful that their work is good enough. All professors are worried their work will be torn apart or exposed as inane.

When people criticize you, it says more about themselves than about you.

But, I too have a thin skin. It's why I'm starting to realize academia might not be the right place for me.

You are smart and talented and passionate! Maybe you just need to be daring... even if you make mistakes, it's better than not trying at all (this is a mantra I am trying to learn for myself too)

kelly ann said...

you have such a beautiful heart, dear. you give me hope in humanity, you really do. you are are gentle, tender, compassionate, and just lovely... and i think one day you will get a burst of spontaneity and take a giant leap and completely let go of everything - and in that moment, you will know what to do. that's going to be a beautiful moment.

i so know what you mean. my head is constantly chattering all the time, especially at night before i go to sleep... it goes a million miles an hour, and it can be really frustrating. it's never fully quiet in this brain of mine!

Jayni said...

Oh, I love how you put your thoughts and feelings into words. radical mom - I love that. =)

Sabriel said...

letting go is something i struggle the most with as well. thank you for your beautiful thoughts and wonderful vocabulary :)

Marie said...

Annie, it sounds like you need to loose you head and RELAX!