taking time to let this autumn mood settle in : via john keats's "to autumn"

i woke up to a drizzle of raindrops, and went on my run through the sycamore-canopied streets in the dark...not knowing how thick the sky was with clouds--though i did notice i could not see the stars.
i drove to work before any warm light of the sunrise had appeared, but as the sky barely began to light i noticed low misty clouds settling at the base of the mountains, and heading straight up the canyon...
where the snow has started to fall. the first snow. it's here...up there in the mountains.

as usual, there is lots on the to-do list today, but i'm feeling a need to take a break--
to let this autumn settle into my heart. i've been so busy i've hardly had time to enjoy the leaves
changing in the mountains. there's been no baking of pumpkin spice nor has there been any
butternut squash soup. it's been a busy fall, and so now i'm soaking in this gray sky and its mists.

i'm dreaming too. i'm letting myself drift for a bit away from now. i'm imagining future days ahead.
i think about a home--because every fall i feel like i'm ready to put roots down in a small
home with wood floors, white walls, and big windows. i'm ready to have a kitchen to heat up spiced milk while reading ecological, botanical, and musical articles. i'm ready to have an office space to organize, create spreadsheets, make phone calls, and create business cultures that flourish. i'm ready to put pumpkins out on my porch, and set up the gravestones we made last year for halloween. i'm ready to crush up fennel seeds to make my favorite homemade ice cream. i'm ready to see my books stored and organized for me to browse through in the evenings...

but i'm feeling that "miles to go before i sleep" sensation. all of that sounds so comforting right now, and so i'll let it comfort me. because some day i'll have my roots planted. and now...back to now. back to studying in my small little room. back to trying to manage the clutter. back to taking one step at a time. back to appreciating a cup of licorice tea. back to appreciating arvo part's "my heart's in the highlands" piping through my headphones. back to this lovely gray sky and the snow that i know is somewhere up there in the mountains.

oxford, a b&b, and how i danced

yesterday i was browsing through some photos on my phone,

and i stumbled upon these images that i snapped on our way

out of this bed & breakfast where we stayed in oxford...

it reminded me of the second greatest moment in my entire life

{second, of course, and predictably, to my wedding day}.

the best moment in my life happened this summer.

it came after years of self-doubt, and across a deep ocean of fear that i was drowning in.

all summer long i worked as hard as i could at oxford.

i researched, wrote, researched, wrote, researched...and wrote.

i was terrified that i would fail; that i would be "exposed" as

a "wanna-be" and a "fake"; that i would be kicked out of academia for ever and ever.

half-way through my time there i finally realized that even if i did fail

what would it matter any way? i could either try again, 

or find something else just as wonderful and beautiful.

so i gave in and let go a little more of fear,

and kept on spending hours in the library and with my laptop.

as my summer at oxford was coming to an end

i was becoming anxious to see ceej after six long weeks apart...

but i was absolutely terrified of my final tutorial with my professor.

i was sure he was going to be disappointed with all of my work,

and tell me that i was a disgrace to the institution and blah, blah, blah.

ceej arrived on the same day that i was to have my final tutorial.

i waited at the bus station in the cold for over an hour for ceej to make is way to oxford from london, 

not being able to communicate via cell or internet.

i thought i had my eyes peeled the entire time, but he still managed to sneak up on me...

best surprise of the entire summer!

i had to keep ceej awake so he could deal with jet-lag...so i took him to the ashmolean museum

where i dropped him off, hoping he'd find his way back to lincoln college when he was finished.

i hurried back to meet with my professor for the final tutorial.

my stomach was a mess. nervous. nervous. nervous.

i was prepared to hang my head in shame.

as our meeting started i was instantly relieved.

my professor had so much praise for my research and writing.

we laughed and ooh'd and ah'd at the great poems i had dissected, analyzed, and interpreted.

i think it would be safe to say that we were both giddy as we talked.

of course, my research wasn't perfect, but he gave me priceless advice and encouragement.

i will never, ever forget this moment.

i ran straight back to my flat, hoping that cj was there and not lost in the city.

he was there, waiting for me...i immediately started dancing right then and there,

and told ceej my good news:

i was not a "fake" and i had done incredibly well, despite every fear and insecurity i have ever had.

i needed that day, that moment, that professor. 

watershed moment indeed.

i no longer worry about failing--if i fail i know i can try again and again and again until i get it just right.

i haven't always devoted myself to what i want because fear stood broadly within my heart,

but i think i have given fear a good punch in the gut, and he's still lying on the floor to this day.

after my dance and explanation to ceej we headed to our b&b: the old parsonage hotel.

it was magical. i was in oxford with my love, with news of my success, and a place to rest

my head after such an incredibly hard, but beautiful summer studying at oxford.

i'm going back. next time to pursue my doctorate. just watch me. even if i have to punch fear in the gut twenty more times.

{p.s. you should check out the photos of the old parsonage hotel's website...they're incredible}

oh heavenly day...

.as i dropped ceej off at the airport this morning i felt deeply how lucky i am.

.i still believe that in heaven i'll be riding a white horse through a beautiful meadow.

.i'm going to work all my life doing the incredibly difficult things that i deeply love.

.am in love with calling dear friends with good hearts who know.

.my library is growing healthy. and hopefully so is my brain.

.four years ago i dreamed about going to north carolina. i'm going there tomorrow.

.i've always feared being a poet...next week i begin to face my fears.

.my biggest fears are my biggest joys.

.idealism is difficult, but worthwhile.

.i wonder if my mom knows that she is a poet from another realm.

.ceej brought me roses that brought me courage.

.i will always be a girl with dreams.

.i am in love with an honest heart.

.life is so clear when i am vulnerable...i see how good it is to fail, to be wrong, to learn.

.i still love the song of a violin.

.i am shaking with possibility. it is all so very vast indeed.

.i am breathing the ebb and flow of life deeply.

sometimes i hate hard things

just when i thought i was warming up to discomfort,

i'm overwhelmed with the bigness of big dreams...

fears, laziness, & excuses hurry to the surface of my heart.

so i give myself a talking to:

step by step

choosing the hard way means learning and growing

becoming a bigger person with a bigger heart.

breathe.

sing.

dance.

have some soup, & sleep on it.

hush fears, hush.

{photo by me. october 2009}

constant dream

there are certain things i dream about daily.
this house is one of them.
it's on my favorite street.
in my favorite city.
it's old, within walking distance to everything,
and is oh so cozy perfect.
at least, that's what i think.

so grateful for constant dreams
that keep me going.

have a dreamy weekend.

photo by me. salt lake city. august 2009.

if you haven't already guessed, i'm very sentimental, and am ruled by my heart more than my brain...

i had a heart-wrenching, self-revealing moment yesterday. you know the kind i'm talking about? you've had them too. and there's nothing like it. you realize that you have much to learn about yourself and don't know as much as you thought you knew...and you're not as confident as you thought you were. that's the moment i had. i found out that i'm a very weak and broken person indeed.

i finished some agonizing papers yesterday--i felt like i had vomitted out every word--trying to sound academic and logical about something i had barely began to understand. this has been my experience in academia--constant posturing. i drove my car, windows down, along wasatch blvd. all the way to campus. parked my car outside the beautiful modern humanities building. felt the wind blowing, and the heat of the sun rushing through the windshield. i walked slowly into the building, and up the turquoise glass steps to my professor's offices. on my way, i looked down from the second floor and into the lobby--there was one of my professors: Professor Durbach. my favorite. but she doesn't know it because she's one of those people that i am in so much awe of, that i can rarely muster the guts to talk with her.

i waved. she waved and gave me a cheery "hello." she was following around her toddling son. i asked his name. it's a name i would have picked out myself. small talk. that's it. what i really wanted to say was: i loved your classes more than anything. you have a gift for making complex ideas clear while making us laugh all at the same time. you're charming and beautiful. i think you are the most beautiful woman i have ever known. i think i wish i was you. i didn't say any of that. not even close. as soon as i turned around to walk away i started crying. thank goodness her son was distracting her--i am embarrassed of my emotions in front of certain people. i'm sure you understand, yes?

most of my days i'm content with my life. but this was a sharp, clear moment for me. why do i wish to be like Professor Durbach? she's the most balanced person i know. i think. she is the kind of beautiful i strive to be: simple, elegant, intelligent, witty, and kind. i am in awe of people like her who are so very practical and determined. in my heart i want to teach classes like she does, but i know i wouldn't survive one day of working on a PhD--there'd be too many vomited words and posturing. she studies a part of the world that i am in love with--britain. how lovely it would be to go to London for school. what is it about this dream i have? why do i want something that seems so very much different from who i am? i know i am not an academic, but i love books and discussing.

so this 1 minute moment made me wonder, yet again, what i want to do with my life. i love yoga and teaching it, but there's something missing there that i haven't figured out. i love school and the sharing of ideas, but there's something terribly missing there too. i find it hard to stay away from thoughts of inadequacy--feeling that if i was just more practical and determined i would be able to survive and thrive in academia. i worry that i also lack the dedication to really survive and thrive as a yogi. i'm pretty sure these days that the job i want doesn't even exist, let alone is there even a "market" for what i want to do.

looking for more grace, elegance, practicality, wit, and intelligence in my life. had part of this discussion with a friend the other night. i don't have any answers, and have no idea how you become a graceful person in this world. those who have done it, have my utmost respect.

the image, above, is one i love. i think simple women with dark hair and eyebrows are the most beautiful. professor durbach is beautiful in this way too. i want to find simplicity in my life. needing a fresh start.

photo via the sartorialist

obvious confession...

photo by me. march 2008. spiral jetty trip...again.

i want to be an artist...

but you already knew that.

that's why this confession is so obvious.

besides, who doesn't want to be an artist?

this morning for my yoga practice

i got back to my modern dancing roots...

i undulated, twirled, and writhed.

i sketched a little too...something that has been so intimidating.

i'll be dusting off the ol' banjo

and rediscovering more old photos i've taken.

here's to jumping in head-first!

i am an artist.

and so are you.

create something real today!

thursday night thoughts...

photo via coulombic's photostream

tonight i need a place to record my recent changing attitudes and feelings--i give in more and more to change--i seem to do it more often these days (if you haven't noticed!). honestly, how can we not change when we receive new information every moment, and have enlightening experiences everyday? well, here's what i've been considering:

first. i am no longer vegan. as i study and learn more about ayurveda i understand that the essence of ghee is the essence of the sun. i see how lovely the tradition is in honoring humans, animals, and the earth. i am learning much about myself and my body--physically, mentally, and spiritually. my days are becoming slower, more deliberate, and stress-free, which is amazing for a anxious perfectionist like me. ayurveda is a gift.

second. i am slowly changing my idea of what a dream house is. mine is getting smaller, and more isolated. it will now be built by me and ceej (with help from necessary pro's) out of re-used materials (as opposed to new or even "recycled"). it will be a place where we and future kids will be able to experience the earth: notice the growing seasons, the stars as the earth spins, and the phase of the moon. less is becoming more to me.

third. i have now given myself permission to get only one master's degree rather than three. less is more. now i feel most comfortable getting a master's in ayurveda and sanskrit (it's ONE degree). 

i'm sure i will continue to change my mind...but this direction of simplicity is the direction i hope to stick with. i won't be perfect along the way. and all your tempting and seductive blog posts about the latest house design and the latest fashion trends will continue to tease me. but i hope i'll continue to work on being a more responsible human being...wanting less and less.

Sweet Scents, Sweet Life

I'm in love with the article on roses in the latest Living. I'm pretty sure I want to be this woman in this photo...love her hat, top, and overall elegance! 

It's True

photo by shannon fagon

I can't think straight. I'm in love. Ceej comes in to see me tonight.

5-Year Plan

I just took fifteen minutes to quickly write up a tentative plan-o-dreams. It's all looks so simple and nice on my little notecard. Easy, right? I'll be taking extra doses of Dr. Leo Marvin's advice: baby steps. (by the way, Ceej doesn't know about my full-blown plan yet, so let's surprise him here!)

May 2009: Attend the INHUT (Integrated Natural History of Utah) program where I'll get to learn about intimate spaces in Utah, and learn to write about my experience.

Summer 2009: spend time in sunny California with Ceej...going to farmer's markets, driving through small towns, and eating giant macarons! (and doing a little studying for the GRE in all my spare time).

Fall 2009: Back to the UofU to further get over my fears, create stronger relationships with professors, write more, and take the biggest leap: apply for the Bread Loaf program and one other graduate program (why not get two master's degrees?)...I haven't decided what the other one will be yet.

Winter 2010: Go to school in Dingle, Ireland.

Summer 2010: Begin classes at one of the Bread Loaf campuses.

Fall 2010: Begin second graduate program.

Spring 2012: Graduate as a master of _________________.

Summer 2014: Graduate as a master of Bread Loaf!

Then I'll take a year off...then start my next phase of life...teaching (and maybe parenting).

In My Perfect World...

(photo by annabel mehran)

This post is more like a diary today. So many things on my mind. It will be long. I hope if you take the time to read it that it might just spark some questions of your own. I don't have all the answers. I don't think anyone does. We just do the best we can, and try to truly love everyone yes? I'd prefer you didn't comment here (but if you must, you must)...I hope this provokes you to blog your own "In My Perfect World" post.

1. There would be no "inflamatory" rhetoric...let me explain. People would not call women who get abortion murderers...because you have no idea what suffering that woman has gone through, or might have yet to go through. People would not make fun of each other for their beliefs--religious or non-religious...when it comes down to it, we're all human beings trying to do good deeds. People would not use words such as "liberal", "conservative", "socialist", etc to degrade each other...we should probably learn what all those terms mean anyway...you might find something you like. Do you follow me?

2. Environmentalism would be seen as the virtue it really is. We would realize that we truly are stewards of this earth...that the earth is alive...that it symbolizes so much...that consumerism is killing the earth and everything on it.

3. We would value true simplicity, and be more productive, rather than consumeristic. Health and happiness does not depend on how much we have? How many times do we have to hear it before we believe it? Oh, to live the simple life!

4. We would know our neighbors, and support them. We would take care of each other in times of need...bearing each other's burdens. How do we bear each other's burdens when we don't even know each other?

5. Everyone would have a garden, and a nice little house to live in. We don't need monster houses in urban sprawl areas. We just need small little houses, and food to grow.

6. We would welcome disagreement and discomfort in all its forms. Everyone would have a voice everywhere.

7. Lobbyists would disappear from politics and government. Will people like me ever have a voice?

8. We would all know who we really are, men and women, and that we could all live our dharma (life-path).

9. Crying would be encouraged. Anger and pain would be allowed. Silence would be revered.

10. Intuition would be valued more than intellect.

11. Emotions would be just as important as politics.

12. Stars would be more visible at night (no more light pollution).

13. Everyone would know what stage the moon was in on any given night (if you want to know, it's waning at the moment).

14. Our lives would be slower...we could go on casual walks, read books, and talk on the front porch.

15. There would be opposition..."perfect" does not mean without problems and trials. People would still disagree with me (but kindly, please), and people would want things differently than I would.

16. I could teach. I could write. I could sing. I could dance. I could laugh. I could cry.

17. We could all choose where we wanted to live.

18. I could disagree with you...with reverence.

19. Professors would listen to students, and listen to their hearts as well...and students would listen to their professors and their hearts as well.

20. We could all be part of a fellowship.

21. There would be lots of storms and change.

Your turn

Countdown to Valentine's. No. 1

(photo by cig harvey....again!)

Can't wait for a litle dance with Ceej. I'm a sucker for Ella and Frank.

heaven, i'm in heaven

and my heart beats so that i can barely speak

and i seem to find the happiness i seek

when we're out together

dancing cheek to cheek

Now, if only we had a little treehouse to dance in - far away and under the moon & stars. We could string up some party lights, and dance to exhaustion.

Summer Dreams

So now that I've told you about my education dreams abroad--let me tell you where I'd like to spend my next four summers (well, beginning in 2010). About a year ago a friend emailed information about the Bread Loaf School of English based in Vermont at Middlebury. Here I can receive a M.A. without taking the GRE or writing a thesis...but that's not what really draws my heart here...

Listen to the names of some of the courses:
Rhetorics of Silence
The Country House in English Literature
Writing About Place
Shakespeare and the Body
Ghost Stories
The Language Wars
Describing the Imagination
Shakespeare, Nature, and the Human
Virgina Woolf and the Art of Bloomsbury
The Poetry of W.B. Yeats
History and Memory
Realism and Documentary Impulse

There are four campuses: New Mexico, North Carolina, Oxford, and Vermont. Can you imagine? Being in such inspiring places while you study literature, creative writing, etc? It would indeed be the stuff dreams are made of. I'm working my little brain out to create a strong application. We'll see if I can stick to it, and jump this Empire-State-Building-sized-hurdle.

p.s. I realize this isn't my weekly issue roundup...I'm horribly slacking in the current event sector. I have no idea what's going on...other than the land auctions have been cancelled!!!

A Writer's Dream

My mom and I just finished watching a documentary on the life of the great American author, Wallace Stegner. I've read three of his books in my life, and have loved every one. After watching the biography, I want to read ALL of his books...but that will have to wait until summer time.

I was taken by his dedication to his education, to the environment, and to his writing. I was especially interested in how he mentored his students. As I walk around campus these days I find myself hopelessly dreaming of having a mentor. I wonder if professors ever seek out the underdogs...the shy students who just need a little push, a little something that would say, "I know you've got it in you, let me point you in the right direction." Why do I feel like the days of professors as mentors is over?

Could really use a Wallace Stegner in my life right about now.

Weeping...TRULY!

This is Dingle, Ireland. I've been looking at study abroad programs to give some "umph" to my graduate school applications. Since I want to go into Irish studies, the best thing to do would be to study there for at least a semester. So I found this school in a most beautiful location. I can study Irish folklore, anthropology, language, music, literature, arthictecture, theology & spirituality, etc. I've never wanted to do anything more...I read through the website and started weeping (yes, I've always been a bit dramatic). Wouldn't you love to go to school here?! I can hardly stand it!

Back & Forth

I am oh so bewildered at how quickly my moods can change (maybe many of you have already noticed this about me!). For example, this morning I met with one of my professors in hopes she could help me figure out what to do with my life...M.A. or Ph.D? Teach high school or university? I told her that ideally I would teach at a university....BUT...I feel way too inadequate to even apply for graduate school. Her response: GET OVER IT! So, I went away from that meeting feeling that I could do anything. By my third class of the day, my thoughts did a complete turn-about. Old fears siezed my heart, and I almost stopped breathing just thinking about the catch-up I'd have to do in order to be a competitive candidate for grad school. Double gulp. Am I crazy? Just get your B.A.! Just be grateful you could complete a measly undergrad degree. Who do you think you are? Wait a minute...I can do anything! I think. No wonder I have been getting headaches lately...too much battling going on inside my brain. Yes, you can. No, you can't. I'm hoping those words GET OVER IT win out, and I take things one day at a time...before you know it I'll be leading discussions about early twentieth century British societies formed to protect the countryside, and helping other confused students find their ways to dreams!

photo by gala collette

Friday SCHOLASTIC Roundup: Beowulf

Since I'm in school right now I have little time to study up more on current issues/events. So I'm modifiying my weekend roundups to include things that I've enjoyed learning at school throughout my week. Perhaps you might find these things interesting too.

This week in my Medieval British Literature class we read the heroic poem, Beowulf. I L-O-V-E this poem. I love the story. I am glad I had this class to help me analyze and understand it more. I've always loved the nostalgic overtones...the feeling of loss for days when society had heroes of epic strength and virtue. I L-O-V-E hearing the language of Old English--made me really want to learn to speak and read it.  I don't have anything particularly insightful I want to say here. I just want to urge all of you to read it. Below, I've included a passage of one of the many reminders in the poem that we will all eventually die...that we are mortal.

It is a great wonder

how Almighty God in His magnificence

favors our race with rank and scope

and the gift of wisdom; His sway is wide.

Sometimes He allows the mind of a man

of distinguished birth to follow its bent,

grants him fulfillment and felicity on earth

and forts to command in his own country.

He permits him to lord it in many lands

until the man in his unthinkingness

forgets that it will ever end for him.

He indulges his desires; illness and old age 

mean nothing to him; his mind is untroubled

by envy or malice or the thought of enemies

with their hate-honed swords. The whole world

conforms to his will, he is kept from the worst

until an element of overweening

enters him and takes hold

while the soul's guard, its sentry, drowses,

grown too distracted. A killer stalks him,

an archer who draws a deadly bow.

And then the man is hit in the heart,

Wishing for days of heroism, courage, reverence, and custom. 

Distracted

A few years ago Ceej surprised me with one of these lovely cashmere hot water bottles for Christmas. For a girl with chronic cold feet, they were the PERFECT gift. Unfortunately, the lid is made of plastic, and the hot water melted it to a useless point. Boo. This afternoon I am wishing I still had a working one as I'm trying to finish up my senior thesis...I can't concentrate because I'm so darn COLD (even thought the thermostat is set at 70 degrees).

If I Could, I Would

If I could, I would buy art to give to family and friends for Christmas. My favorite artists happen to be Utah artists. This first painting is by Zachary Proctor, and the second by Aaron Lifferth. Double sigh. One day I'll buy up their entire stock.