Giving Birth to a Full-Grown Man

I don't know if I'd recommend it--giving birth to a full-grown man. And, yes, I'm speaking from personal experience. And, yes, I'll explain.

Right now, I'm in labor. I'm convinced, as of this moment, that what I want to do with my life is get my master's degree and a PhD in order to teach and write. This is an extremely difficult quest I've put myself on. I constantly feel out of place as I try to write essays that are outlined "logically", and as I attempt to make reasonable connections and comments. Each time I am asked to write a paper, or required to contribute to a discussion I go through a painful contraction of sorts that rips my heart out because my answers are never quite right. Ever.

So that's the labor part. The actual birth part seems beyond my capabilities. Here's some more explanation:

As a woman, my primal force and overall energy is that of Shakti--this energy is the physical manifestation of everything on the earth, a feminine energy (it is an energy of creativity--in the literal sense). This is not to say that I don't have any masculine energy--I do, as do all women, but it is not the dominant energy so to say. Men's dominant and primal energy is that of Shiva-logical and pertaining to things that exist as thought.

With that confusing explanation, I'll draw theses conclusions:
1) That as I try to enter the realm of logic I am using my feminine creative energy to fully awaken those logical energies that seem to be very dormant inside of me (still with me?).
2) Perhaps as I get more and more in touch with my creative energies, I am trying to create something in my life that I never had
3)MOST IMPORTANTLY: I need a "doula" of sorts to coach me through this birth. I need someone to guide me and tell me when to breathe. I need someone to tell me that no matter how bad it hurts, it's worth it. I need someone to tell me that I do indeed have the power to create something that is very foreign to me. I need someone to tell me that because I am a woman I can make this happen. I need someone to tell me that within me is the ability to bring something from the realms of thought into a physical reality.

by now, i've lost most of you, yes? oh well. story of my life as a writer...

Words: Be Kind

Today I am thinking on something I think of often: the power of words. I love the Sanskrit language because those who formed the language did so with the intention that every sound should be sacred. They believed that sound was the quickest way to the divine.

It saddens me when we use harsh words towards each other and accuse each other falsely. I am reminded of this well-known passage that is wisdom for us all:

Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man, but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth the man.

So please be kind to each other, and assume only the best of each other's hearts.

Ah, the Universe

I am having one of those days, which are coming more often, when I am just amazed at how everything continues to be connected. Everything. It amazes me that within myself there is a universe as well. Everything follows ancient laws. I am living more and more in the moment. Of course I still find myself dreaming of all the "some day's"...some day when I have a house, some day when I have a garden, some day when I can travel to Waternish on a whim, etc. But I am also finding contentment in my everyday, now, life. I am loving the experience of living in a cheap apartment in a noisy part of town that can keep me up at nights. I am accepting the fact that my oven doesn't work at all really. I am living the story of my dreams...remember when we lived in that apartment that had a mouse now and then and the oven burned everything you put into it? All of this is part of my dreams. When I get a house I will enjoy it that much more.

I went off on a tangent there. My point is is that the Universe is conspiring to make our dreams come true. Day to day I find something that inches me closer and closer, but at the same time I feel that I am there. Already. I might not have my dream job now, but it is part of my dream to be in search of my perfect job. I am resolving today to let the Universe work its magic as I do what I can at every moment.

The photo is of Omega Centauri...a cluster of stars, a nebula. I love nebulae. It is an awe-some symbol of death and rebirth.

Don't Know

Well, today I don't know ANYTHING. I would like to know where I will be living within the next month, if I'll have to learn to drive on the left side of the road, if dreams can support us ( I sure hope they can), whether or not I'll finish out this school semester, if people care about other people (of course they do, I'm just hoping some particular people care for our livlihood and success)...on and on and on.

The remedy to all of my questions: take today each minute at a time, and love the happiness in each minute.

Not in the Forecast

I'm pretty sure that when I looked at the weather forecast yesterday there was only a "partly cloudy" picture. But somehow today it's SNOWING. Hooray for beautiful things that aren't "in the forecast". I wonder what other unexpected beauties await me in the near future.

Late Night Chats

Here's to nights spent discussing the things that are nearest our hearts and souls! Today I am grateful for people who care for humanity and not for numbers. I am grateful for my history, and that in my genes is the hope that someday there will be no inequality among us. I am grateful to live in the valley of the Great Salt Lake. I am grateful for desires to do and BE better. Three cheers for good people and late night chats!

This little light of mine

I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE!

This year my New Year's resolution is to let go of all my fears of sharing my talents. So in 2008 I'm going to play my guitar and sing with no hesitation, I'll not only write poetry, but I'll read it aloud to a crowd, I'll sew new clothes and gifts for friends, I'll cook meals from scratch for my neighbors, and I'll share yoga with all who ask for it.

I'm finally going to obtain that confidence that I have only envied in others...hooray for my own confidence, and to those who always encourage me!