Giving Birth to a Full-Grown Man


I don't know if I'd recommend it--giving birth to a full-grown man. And, yes, I'm speaking from personal experience. And, yes, I'll explain.

Right now, I'm in labor. I'm convinced, as of this moment, that what I want to do with my life is get my master's degree and a PhD in order to teach and write. This is an extremely difficult quest I've put myself on. I constantly feel out of place as I try to write essays that are outlined "logically", and as I attempt to make reasonable connections and comments. Each time I am asked to write a paper, or required to contribute to a discussion I go through a painful contraction of sorts that rips my heart out because my answers are never quite right. Ever.

So that's the labor part. The actual birth part seems beyond my capabilities. Here's some more explanation:

As a woman, my primal force and overall energy is that of Shakti--this energy is the physical manifestation of everything on the earth, a feminine energy (it is an energy of creativity--in the literal sense). This is not to say that I don't have any masculine energy--I do, as do all women, but it is not the dominant energy so to say. Men's dominant and primal energy is that of Shiva-logical and pertaining to things that exist as thought.

With that confusing explanation, I'll draw theses conclusions:
1) That as I try to enter the realm of logic I am using my feminine creative energy to fully awaken those logical energies that seem to be very dormant inside of me (still with me?).
2) Perhaps as I get more and more in touch with my creative energies, I am trying to create something in my life that I never had
3)MOST IMPORTANTLY: I need a "doula" of sorts to coach me through this birth. I need someone to guide me and tell me when to breathe. I need someone to tell me that no matter how bad it hurts, it's worth it. I need someone to tell me that I do indeed have the power to create something that is very foreign to me. I need someone to tell me that because I am a woman I can make this happen. I need someone to tell me that within me is the ability to bring something from the realms of thought into a physical reality.

by now, i've lost most of you, yes? oh well. story of my life as a writer...


amy said...

What you need is a good feminist mentor. They are just like doulas...but cheaper.

I hear you, my friend. I've felt many of the same feelings (even right this minute as I try to write a personal statement justifying why I deserve a scholarship and I just want to have a conversation instead...) I also toy with the idea of spending the rest of my life in academia--sometimes it seems like the only lives worth living are spent behind piles of books. Other times I want to bag it. Perhaps I should blame the Shakti?

Good luck.

Syl Carson said...


Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
Your are surely lost. Stand Still. The forest knows
Where YOU are, you must let it find you.

--The Poet David Wagner
copyright 1976

Use the intuition in your OVUM during the times when you feel your mind has stopped co-operating.

WIth Love,