i think we are all allowed a late night post now and on if you want to see what happens to my heart and mind at three a.m.


first of all, i shouldn't have taken an afternoon nap.
it was a good idea at the time...but here i am.
not exactly where i hoped to be.
i've been having one of those mini breakdowns,
a bit of the blues.
i kind of knew it would did i do this to myself?
this is usually how my breakdowns come about:
start thinking of what a numb & clueless adolescent i was,
which leads to wishing someone would have smacked me
and told me to follow my dreams,
that it's possible to do what you love and get paid for it.
so i pout. and cry a little.
then feel guilty.
because i know i'm still relatively young...
if all goes well i've still got about 60 years
to make dreams happen.
so what's my problem?
i shouldn't be crying.
guilt. guilt. guilt.
then i have a moment of calm.
right after visiting the salon:
new hair color, brows waxed & dyed...
haven't done this in over a year.
teach a yoga class.
feeling very good.
get home. new hair color not what i really wanted.
brows are good though.
a bit of the blues starts to creep in.
want to go shopping to buy red lipstick
and a pretty t-shirt.
but spent my extra cash at the salon.
later, my good husband takes me to get hot cocoa...the spicy kind.
i get mine with homemade marshmallows.
he gets whipped cream & a chocolate chip cookie to dip in his cocoa.
we sip in silence at the chocolatrie.
somehow i can always make sweet things awkward.
we come home.
i wash my face,
look over my hair color again.
trying to convince myself that i like it.
brush my teeth.
clumsily get into pajamas.
can't think of anything else to do but go to sleep...
even though my good husband offers to watch an old b&w film with me.
i sleep for three hours.
then wake. wide.
do a little online window shopping.
drink some whole milk...hoping this will calm my mind.
still awake.
thinking of all the things i could make to sell...
but need some capital to start.
feel bad that i can't seem to come up with cash
for a little photo workshop
{probably because i spent it at the salon hair worth it?}
still thinking of all the things i want to make.
thinking of how to get accepted into graduate programs.
thinking of how to learn more about photography, sewing, dance,
music, singing...all on my own, on a budget.
not looking for pity.
just really needing to be open and honest...
perhaps this post will come down later.
perhaps i will let it stay in all its
embarassing glory.
but, for now, i've got to figure out how
to sleep.
{photo by me. october 2009}


Netti said...

Ya know, your breakdown description reminds me of my breakdowns. I am the same, I kick myself, scold myself, feel depressed and hopeless, then feel guilty for feeling all those things. Oh, I can relate so completely that it's not even funny. Guilt, it is my mortal enemy. Are dreamers more prone to these kinds of breakdowns perhaps?

G said...

Creative types are the most vulnerable to this sort of mood... thank you for sharing your 3 a.m. And you're not alone, I think we've all been there. :)

sarah sample said...

hey lovely. not alone here. also, timing is such an interesting thing. usually the best things happen in a different timing than we might expect.

Gailen Audie said...

hear, hear. i also applaud your bravery in posting this honest little episode. i also think creative types are prone to bad moods, perfectionism, feelings of guilt for no good reason....we can also imagine things that may not be there. on some level, when the mood passes though, don't you like it? on a lighter note, my beaux calls this white, middle-class guilt. i feel guilty for having had a good childhood. guilty for being loved. guilty for treating myself to a cup of coffee. guilty when good things happen. so silly. enough not-so-good things happen that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. :) gratitude. be ok with making mistakes. bravery. cheers, deanna

nadia said...

anne marie. oh how i know this to well. it always happens when i least expect it, yet like you said you know it's coming. sometimes because there is to much beautiful inspiring things around me that somehow it triggers this calling" who am i" and what am i supposed to be" i think of all my waking moments more than others( insomiac) i should have written a book i say to myself, or opened another shop. instead i sit by myself or with my husband who like your tries to pull you out of that place, but you stay a little longer will come out it, you will find away because you just put it out there.. ask the universe, tell the trees, write on a leaf and let the wind take will come, it will come ...

Blue Satin Sashes said...

Oh sweet girl, how many times do I have to tell you -- IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!! Even if you didn't start until you were 80, it still wouldn't be too late. You don't have to figure it out all at once, or do it all at once. You can take a sewing class on weekends through your local crafts store very cheaply. Why not start there? Most of the best photographers I know are self-taught with help from great online resources like Digital Photography School and Photography Schoolhouse. And as far as that graduate program goes... What would be the return on it? Is it something that would almost guarantee you a sizable increase in income, or do you want to do it for the satisfaction of doing it? Because you could save yourself a lot of money and research and read things you're really interested in on your own.

Perhaps your feelings right now could be qualified as "overwhelmed"? It sounds like you feel overwhelmed by trying to make choices all at once that you don't necessarily have to make all at once. Even a baby step in one direction (like that sewing class, for example) can set the others in motion without too much fuss on your part.

Stupid Saturn return. xoxo

m said...

it is one thirty in the morning and I am up feeling the same way. Thank you for posting this, and do not take it down. I am thinking, "how did I get here" but hey like my mother says we are constantly evolving getting new passions, interests, and goals.

isn't it amazing being a part of this club of women. just look at these comments it is so comforting to see how we can support and relate with one another. keep posting the written word is very healing.

Liz said...

hmmm... well, all I have to say is- if we followed all of our dreams when we were kids, we would have nothing else to dream about, it does no good thinking bad thoughts about ourselves- especially as a teenager, we all did dumb things when we were younger, and we will all continue to do dumb things! Just be happy for who you are today, today is all you have, and today you are in the perfect spot for your life... just ask Heavenly Father, as long as you follow his guidance you will always be were He wants you to be, and I want nothing more then to be where He wants me to be :)

Lindsay said...

love it. honest. good. real.
So what's the dream? Photography? Looks like you're well on your way.