a long-winded way to say i am content in my discontent


this blog is my journal. thank goodness hardly anyone reads this, or perhaps i couldn't be so vulnerable and honest. i hope it stays this way. don't you?

anyway, lately i've been feeling uncategorizable: i'm not working, i'm not a student, i'm not a mother. this makes for difficult social situations. no one wants to know what you do with your day unless you get paid for it or you are supported by academia or that you are raising children for a better society. at least, that's how it feels most days.

i can't talk to you about your favorite TV shows. i can't talk to you about the joys and the miseries of child-raising. i can't talk to you about how much you hate your job (if you hate your job, why don't you quit? that's all i want to say when you tell me how terrible it is).
though i can't talk to you about any of that, there's something i really can't talk to you about: fashion, design, stuff. well, i guess i can talk to you about all of that -- but not how you want to talk about it.

yes, i love pretty clothes. yes, i love a home that is decorated with attention to detail. yes, i love to pick up the latest teen vogue to see what young beautiful emma watson is wearing and which ivy league college she'll be going to. but then i immediately reminded of this:

"in many respects, the feminine mystique seems dated now...Still, there are fleeting moments when she recognizes the links between the "feminine mystique" and consumer capitalism, as in her observation that 'in the suburbs where most hours of the day there are virtually no men at all...women who have no identity other than sex creatures must ultimately seek their reassurance through the possession of things."
i don't want to be known for what i things i own or for what art hangs in my home (especially when most things are made in asia where child and slave labor run rampant--do i really want to own things that damage humanity and the earth?). i want to be known for who i am and how i have contributed.
yesterday i wanted to buy a handmade skirt from an etsy store. it's handmade in the u.s. so i felt it would be justifiable. but, i was reminded that i don't need any more skirts. i have at least 11 of them. (i'm just rambling here...sorry if i've lost your interest or if you're just lost).
so everyday i have to go through a conversation with myself that goes something like this:

"i would really love to have that beautiful skirt/sofa/home"
"but where was it made?"
"how can i make it myself?"
"do i really need it?"
"apartments are good enough for me. i have enough."
come january i hope to be enrolled in some serious sewing classes so i can make all of my own clothes. cj and i have begun to make our own furniture: starting with simple bookcases. i think this will liberate us from having anything to do with factories and chemicals.
what i am saying is that everyday i wonder where this life is taking me. i don't seem to have a place most days. no school, no job, no possessions. i read. i write what i want to. i paint, though terribly. i make meals. i go outside. i practice yoga.
i learn that it is okay to shake when things get hard, but to stick to it because it's always worth it. i learn that if i try my best things won't always work out, but i at least did my best. i learn that not knowing what the future holds is agonizing, but that's just fine too.
i am uncategorizable and unemployable (for now...and maybe forever). but somehow i feel an underlying calm amidst a storm of emotions.

of course, this isn't what i really wanted to write. there's so much more, and words can never do your heart and soul justice--this is the worst aspect of mortality.
photos by frederic poirot


Brandi said...

I think not quite knowing where life is taking you is good sometimes. You're giving yourself time to grow and think and find out what you want to do. Honestly, some of the time, I think the people who are going to school or work or are raising children are faking it (I can speak being one of those). Not all the time mind you. But sometimes. We try to keep ourselves busy doing things because we know if we stop and start questioning our lives, we might not have answers (I just constantly look for them as I go along). You really should embrace this time now -- and though all people may not know how to talk to you, there are interesting ones out there who don't need to talk about work or school or TV to have a meaningful conversation. Yes, it is sometimes easier to talk about the superficial stuff of life. But, at the end of the day, I think the most important thing is for us to ask ourselves how we can make a difference, how we can help other people and make them smile. It's not always in the ways we expect, but it happens.