let's get back to the heart...especially where it's dark


yesterday i broke one of my rules.
i listened to a playlist that is only to be
played in the fall time.
i'm glad i broke the rules.
because it reminded me of the things
that truly make my head and heart swoon:
this first photo we took two years ago
on one of our many visits to boston.
my favorite city in the country.
it's old. i love old things.
the older, the better.
i love walks, especially when they require a scarf.
and my heart sings when it is an overcast/rainy day.
i am finding that i have a bizarre condition:
i get depressed when it is sunny for too long.
my happiness comes from storms and darkness.
it is about august now, and october can't come soon enough.

rainy days mean hearty harvest soups and delicious sandwiches
at lovely cafes. this one here is on beacon hill in boston.

i have always been attracted to death, the dead, and what happens after this earth. usually, i think i would tell people that death does not scare me. but, that is not completely true: i have found that my anxieties over whether or not i will complete everything i want to in this life are a fear of death and time. so, i am reminding myself to slow down, and embrace the phases of life. and, i must add, that i LOVE cemetaries...especially these centuries-old cemetaries in the heart of boston.

oh autumn!
when will you bring rest to my over-heated soul?!
i look forward to cool air, bright colors, and the harvest time.

i need to spend more time in places like this.
surrounded by books
and quiet.
learning what other brains have thought
and what other hearts have felt.

i want to spend more time with people who have experienced life.
i love their stories.
i just want to listen, and listen, and listen.

and, i have been neglecting my goals to get here:
where my ancestors are from.
i could learn much about them and about myself
that would bring me great joys.

i am reminded of my goals to have a modest-sized home,
with a garden
on a small road
out of the way.

another dream destination:
and the surrounding areas.

this will be well worth your time to watch and listen.
i remember that i want to sing
especially folk songs from america, ireland, and the baltic countries.
yes, i love music.
especially the thoughtful, heartful kind
that comes from places and people
who have known suffering and heartbreak.
this is what i mean when i want to get back to the dark places of the heart:
in the dark places are the places where we hide our suffering.
it is where we are most vulnerable.
but it also where we are the most beautiful,
the most human.
these mysteries of the heart are what bring me chills,
they make me aware of the goodness of a life experience here.
those dark places are my brightest places.
so, i ask for more darkness to bring me light:
more rainy days,
more stories and songs that are from the deep places of the soul,
more mysteries revealed,
more time spent in lovely libraries in dark corners,
more ancient ruins,
more love, more words, more beauty.


amy said...

Oh, Ann, I hear you. Do I ever. When those first fall breezes come through, it's like heaven. When it rains? Lawsie mercy. Just a few more weeks...

erin said...

I am curious to know what is in your fall playlist. The videos here were so entrancing. that man's eyes, so heartbreaking!
this post was a breath of autumn to me and now my skin tingles from the impending darkness and magic.