photo by me. march 2009. california.I don't think a day goes by that part of me doesn't feel broken. Sometimes my mind doesn't recall what I'd like it to. Some days my tongue doesn't speak so eloquently. Other days my heart sinks down into my stomach where it doesn't belong.
I just finished reading a book entitled Finding Beauty in a Broken World. Was weeping at the end with a swollen heart. The book begins with a poem from T.S. Eliot:
These fragments I have shored against my ruins--
The cosmos works by harmony of tensions, like the lyre and bow
And so it was I entered the broken world
Turning shadow into transient beauty--
Once upon a time, we knew the world from birth.
Earlier today I read this passage from another book that is about women: The women appeared confident and self-assured and were obviously intelligent and skillful. As the weekend wore on, each woman began to reveal basic feelings of self-doubt. Each of these women drove themselves to be successful--and in the eyes of the world, they were. Yet, each...revealed that down deep she knew something was wrong with her.
Then I spoke with a dear friend on the phone--she is heart-broken. I know that state of being oh so well. We both worry. We both second-guess ourselves. We both wonder why life hurts so much so often.
Slowly, I am learning to embrace my broken-ness. If I was whole--complete--I wouldn't need you, or anyone else. I am beginning to see that we are broken so that through our relationships we become whole. I am discovering that I learn more from my broken-self than I do from my other selves. I am most articulate when it hurts. I find refuge in breaking down with a loved one. I feel that only then, when my skin is red with tears and my fingers shake, am I truly honest. I know I am incomplete, and need friends, family, and even strangers to fill in the rest. it is then that I recognize the beauty of the earth, and the beauty and magnificence of other humans.
so here it is, the long list of healing--the things i do when healing is hoped for:
01. cry. the kind of crying that makes your entire body cry--letting go in the softness of a bed, or the warmth of some one's arms.
02. kneel on the floor with forehead resting on hands interlaced--talking to myself, to Mother & Father God, to the walls, to the Earth, to the air.
03. stare. i stare at my toes, the freckles on my skin, the colors of the books on my shelves, the shadows in the room. i do nothing but stare, and notice what is right in front of me.
04. write. this is truly a gift from the heavens--to put into words what hopelessness can do, to lay it all out--somehow always ending with gratitude. amazing.
05. Part II of the BBC's Pride & Prejudice. How can you resist giggling when Mr. Bingley so eagerly meets Elizabeth at Lampton Inn and slyly asks about Jane, or when Mr. Darcy is uncontrollably smiling at Elizabeth when she is playing the piano and singing at Pemberley?
06. breathe. with eyes closed. listening to life moving through you. the awe-some gift to be aware of life--that you are alive and complete in your broken-ness.
07. talk. with your best girlfriend, a long-lost friend, your beloved, your mother, your sister. even the phone transfers sobs and laughter. i often wait until i see people face-to-face...i don't need to wait this long. truly, just pick up the phone.
08. read. something sad or something heart-warming. something that helps you to feel more deeply. poetry seems to do the trick quickest of all.
09. move. walk, dance, run, salute the sun or the moon. watch the body cut through the air.
10. cry. we begin and end here because sometimes that's all we can do. and that is enough. when the tears come, it is best to let them. welcome them.
so here's to healing our broken-ness in a beautifully broken world. we are broken for good reason. to find each other, and comfort each other--learning to love the good and the bad in each other. this i believe.
(posted on Sunday--Monday morning I get to pick up my beloved after his weekend adventure)
6 comments:
woaw, I ve been reading your blog for a while, and I didnt dare leave a comment. I was feeling pretty shy and impressed, but today, I guess I am more daring. I cant believe how much we are alike. Are you sure we didnt get separated at birth? I would be your friend immediately, as I ask myself the same questions, realize the same things, and have the same emotions over the same things. Amazing! Just amazing to me at least, since i mostly feel that nobody cares to be friend to such an "out of the norm" girl like me. I am going through grief right now, lots of grief, layers and layers of grief, in different areas of my life. To make it short my little girl went to heaven 2 years ago, after suffering cancer to a point that I ltterally suffer from the trauma of seeing her suffer like that. She was 8. I have faith, as much as I can, I wont brag about my faith as it would be completely irrelevant. But one thing I learned is that it is the essential to be true, transparent, ready to acknowledge, observe what is going on inside of me, in order to start any degree of healing. There is no healing when we stuff everything inside and deny the pain. Anyways, enough about me, I love your blog, the person you are and try to be, the fact that you notice the little things of life and find joy where it can truly be found, in the things that grow, like plants, flowers, people, relationships. Thank you for writing. I have exactly the same list of healing helpers, but I dont make as much sense as you do writing, so I m very happy to read you. THank you, thank you!
Lucie, from Quebec.(actually I m french, but used to live in Utah, and now i live in Canada...complicated)
Lucie,
Thank you so very much for your kind words, and your courage to open up and comment here.
I feel that I could learn a lot from you. You seem oh so wise.
I am so very sorry about your daughter. Life hurts so much sometimes.
Thank you, again, for such a heartfelt comment. It made my year!
loves,
Ann Marie
Thank you soooo much for answering. Now I m not alone today! I forgot to tell you a hundred thngs, like the fact that your Ceej makes me think of my brother Max, that even before the grief and all this, I knew there was this broken-ness about me, that nobody else seemed to notice in their own life (so I reall ythought I was weird),that I too think it is best when i can just embrace the broken-ness, since I ll be that way as long as I am away from God, that I share the same idea about cooking, growing food, I even homeschooled my kids for years, I would love to live in Sacramento and come over for cupcakes and milkshake, that I devour everything you write because you are tru, not pretending to be something else, and because you just write soooo well. As far as writing goes for me, I used to write well as a teenager, (that was in french) and now the best I can do is just be in awe the words that just bleed from heart to paper in my effort to validate and catch emotions that are so eager to flee back inside. Anyways, I have a hard time making sense, so I m sorry if this is pretty obscur...Well, I am so glad we met, so honored. (even though it is through a computer)
All my love, Lucie
Lucie,
Wish we could meet! Perhaps some day. Until then, we can embrace our broken-ness through the computer (technology isn't ALL bad--and this is proof!)
You write very well...especially since English is not your first language. I'm VERY impressed.
Funny, yesterday I signed up for a French class. You'll have to correct me, and help me along.
loves, loves, loves,
Ann Marie
thank you for the compliment, I appreciate, especially coming from you.It took a great deal of effort and many headaches to get rid of the accent,12 years ago. I m sure you ll do great in french, it is really beautiful language, even with the twisted grammar.I ll help you anytime. I need to figure out how to send you a message that is private so I can give you my email address. This is my 1st time writing to someone on a blog, so I m still a beginner at all this.
Love, Lucie
Lucie,
you can email me any time
lady.of.lorien9@gmail.com
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