first of all, i shouldn't have taken an afternoon nap.it was a good idea at the time...but here i am.
not exactly where i hoped to be.
i've been having one of those mini breakdowns,
a bit of the blues.
i kind of knew it would come...so did i do this to myself?
probably.
this is usually how my breakdowns come about:
start thinking of what a numb & clueless adolescent i was,
which leads to wishing someone would have smacked me
and told me to follow my dreams,
that it's possible to do what you love and get paid for it.
so i pout. and cry a little.
then feel guilty.
because i know i'm still relatively young...
if all goes well i've still got about 60 years
to make dreams happen.
so what's my problem?
i shouldn't be crying.
guilt. guilt. guilt.
then i have a moment of calm.
right after visiting the salon:
new hair color, brows waxed & dyed...
haven't done this in over a year.
teach a yoga class.
feeling very good.
get home. new hair color not what i really wanted.
brows are good though.
a bit of the blues starts to creep in.
want to go shopping to buy red lipstick
and a pretty t-shirt.
but spent my extra cash at the salon.
boo.
later, my good husband takes me to get hot cocoa...the spicy kind.
i get mine with homemade marshmallows.
he gets whipped cream & a chocolate chip cookie to dip in his cocoa.
we sip in silence at the chocolatrie.
somehow i can always make sweet things awkward.
we come home.
i wash my face,
look over my hair color again.
trying to convince myself that i like it.
brush my teeth.
clumsily get into pajamas.
can't think of anything else to do but go to sleep...
even though my good husband offers to watch an old b&w film with me.
i sleep for three hours.
then wake. wide.
do a little online window shopping.
drink some whole milk...hoping this will calm my mind.
still awake.
thinking of all the things i could make to sell...
but need some capital to start.
feel bad that i can't seem to come up with cash
for a little photo workshop
{probably because i spent it at the salon today...is hair worth it?}
still thinking of all the things i want to make.
thinking of how to get accepted into graduate programs.
thinking of how to learn more about photography, sewing, dance,
music, singing...all on my own, on a budget.
not looking for pity.
just really needing to be open and honest...
perhaps this post will come down later.
perhaps i will let it stay in all its
embarassing glory.
but, for now, i've got to figure out how
to sleep.
{photo by me. october 2009}
