this life of mine and how it's moving

my head and my heart finally found some peace and perspective

in the desert over the weekend. lots of thanks to ceej and dear friends

for allowing me to talk about anything and everything,

and more thanks to ceej for being our guide in such a beautifully awe-some place.

there was a midnight camp setup, sunny mornings with hearty pancakes & hash browns,

walks through chilly river waters, and gazing up and up and up at sandstone walls

that towered high above us, alcoves where ferns grew happily, breaks to

clear out the rocks and sand from our sandals, and pushing the car multiple times

as we battled a dying battery out in the middle of nowhere...none of us were ever

worried as i think we were secretly hoping to get stranded in the middle of nowhere

for an extra day or two if "need be." and, of course, sunsets were magnificent and miraculous.

my life these days in one of gentleness...mostly with myself.

i am catching my thoughts as they try to destroy my heart and worth

and turning them to thoughts that are real and free of old views.

i am learning that i am myself and my own experience, and i get to choose what that looks like.

many of you have succeeded at creating your own reality,

one that is full of life, finding joy and accepting the sorrow {please do share your secrets}.

i am moving forward into a world of writing, writing fiction to tell my truth:

a truth of the earth, of this life, of women, of journeys of immigration, and violins

{yes, violins often speak the clearest truths i have ever heard}.

i am writing what seems impossible to write...but how exciting it is. how hard it is.

i am finally admitting what this world is to me, and how wondrous and sublime it is.

someday, when i finally work the words out of me, i will meet you all face to face,

as i really am, seeing you how you really are. this is a journey i am absolutely in love with.

i am moving into a life that looks more simple:

simple meals with real food that take only minutes to make and minutes to clean up;

keeping empty spaces in my home, creating places of physical silence to allow for thinking;

letting go of an era of theme parties and "extravaganzas," welcoming an era of conversation

accompanied with a glass of water or a cup of tea...no more days spent cooking and preparing;

allowing people to move on with my deepest desires for their happiness in their journey--

that is no longer my journey;

spending less time with projects that are distractions from the real projects i want to pursue;

embracing the idea of "one at a time" rather than overwhelming myself and others with a

long list of ____________.

i think i am pursuing an optimistic peace that has been sitting patiently at the back of my heart.

a peace that lets me sit through the sorrow with both tears and a little smile,

a peace that lets me sing how much i love this earth, how very very much i love storms and mountains and the desert and words and mornings and afternoons spent studying a time long gone and how much awe comes over me when the sun has set but it's still light outside and that light comes in through my windows and warms the dead flowers in my vase that i can't seem to throw away because they are incredibly beautiful to me as they droop and dry out.

now, i must find all the ways to allow this peace to come to the forefront and to thrive.

{photo by cj}