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hi...i'm right here

1.20.2011






i think you'll know what i'm talking about when i tell you that i woke up this morning feeling like i needed a good cry...all day i've told myself that i don't seem to have a reason to be sad, but, really, i do have a reason to be sad...i just don't want to admit it because it makes me feel so out of control and childish. you have those days too, yes? when you try to lift your heart boldly and do those mundane have-to's to make sure eventually you reach those dreams that are somehow made of a long list of have-to's?

this afternoon i took a break from the have-to's and i cuddled myself up in two blankets (we're doing our best to conserve energy this winter), and was determined to finish a book i started way back in november, little women. and all the while i left my itunes playing in the other room so i could softly hear melodies that tell me life is filled with wonder...because even on my sad days i know how beautiful this world is and that, for reasons i will never fully comprehend, here i am. on this earth. absolutely a miracle.

i went from page to page taking in every lovely detail of jo falling in love with her mr. bhaer while still mourning the loss of her angelic sister, beth. such heartache. such pure joy. all at once. i clung to lessons on morals (though some are quite outdated), but i clung to words on living a virtuous and simple life.

i could see that i was quickly approaching the end...i never like the end...i hate to see the characters go where i will no longer see what they do or hear what they say when life gives them what it will. but i went ahead reading...

and just as i turned to the last page, after the apple harvest and giving of gifts, i read the words, "oh, my girls, however long you may live i never can wish you a greater happiness than this!"...and, magically, at this same moment that i read the last line the music from the other room burst into my favorite part of tchaikovsky's violin concerto.

i cried. a little.

and it felt good. but i'm still in that sad place. and this sad place is making me think about slightly tweaking my life to accommodate a few more want-to's among the have-to's.




15 comments:

Char said...

one of my most favorite books and i still cry each time i read it. the perfect read for a day such as this.

Sabriel said...

I have those days too Ann. Keep your chin up, I love you!

MICHELLE said...

Aww, but that's a good cry! Well, every cry is good as long as it leaves you feeling lighter and rejuvenated. I have many-a-days like this.

Jamie said...

Those days get all of us occasionally, I'm sorry they hit you today. I hope tomorrow is a little brighter.

Kerry O'Gorman said...

Maybe my 'song for friday' will cheer you up...as well as the movie I watched. Little Women makes me sigh and cry as well...Breathe.

Belinda @ Wild Acre said...

Sorry to hear you have had a weepy day.

It sounds like there has been so much change and upheaval in your life recently, I think the emotions need time to catch up sometimes and release all the tension and goodbyes which you have been undertaking. The courage and stamina required in moving takes a lot of energy so look after yourself - sounds like you are. All the best.x

Ms Jones said...

It's good to feel deeply and be moved by life or stories. Your sensitivity is the thing that informs your beautiful photos and words so your sadness is all part of the big picture. We all like a good cry...it's like rain falling, it clears the air and allows for lightness to take its place. Lisa:)

the wild magnolia said...

I love your comment on not wanting a good book to end, because the character travels to a place you cannot go. I have felt the same.

Sad days feel something like clouds covering the sun, on a rainy day, our being is somehow altered. We wish for the sun to return.

Hope you are feeling better.

Blessings.

~Kristina said...

I feel exactly the same way about books nearing the end.
Sometimes weepy days restore sunshine to the soul.

Sydney said...

To say the characters go to a place you cannot follow- that is well-put. I feel that same bitter-sweetness after every story; it's as if you fall in love with the characters then they move far, far away.
Enjoy your sadness, the catharsis is good for your soul. I agree with the above comment about your sensitivity; in order to be sensitive to the subtle joys of life we must also be sensitive to the subtle sorrows.
It is always such a pleasure to read your inspired words and get lovely glimpses into your world through your photography.
Thank you.

inspir-ed. said...

I had one of those days this morning. Thank you for the beautifully written post. If anything, a sad day or two is a great day for creation.

Carol said...

It's been a time of big changes & transitions lately for you ~ be gentle with yourself :-)

Dancing Branflake said...

Oh dear, I hope you do feel better. Yay for being alone with blankets and a good book!

onesilentwinter said...

i know those days, not sure why they come and why i can't make them go away. what i do know about those moments they sometimes help evaporate things that i need to let go.

i love that book, and tchaikovskys violin concerto, is responsible for unlocking many tear and is also my blog profile song.

Lucent Imagery said...

Wow. It's an honour to have you share your down times. I think your blog is beautiful, inspirational, reflective and true. And I think you will find a support in me next time you feel down.