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i knew i needed a day to stop, a day to ask questions, a day to see...

2.24.2010




yesterday i let all my worries overcome me.
money.school.employment.car.food.environment.art.politics.poverty.priorities.
i am easily overwhelmed. my perfectionism holds me back from beginning.
i have a doubting heart. i doubt myself especially.
how long does one have to dig before you bury an anxious heart,
and find the treasure that is an optimistic and believing heart?
how many times do i have to awaken before i really see, hear, and know?

a year ago i set up a meeting with a professor.
i wanted to ask her if she thought i was graduate school material,
and what i needed to do to get there.
as soon as i walked in the classroom she immediately told me that she
had a dream the night before:
she dreamed that she picked up the newspaper and there was an
article written by me.
then she told me i could do anything i wanted to do...
something i had always wanted a professor to say to me...
she told me not to fear tests and years of class and critical professors.
she advised me to sign up for more writing classes.
i did.


and now i have been accepted to graduate school.
it's this in between time that's killing me.
feeling listless and useless...so much good to give,
but not quite knowing how to do it,
or doubting i have it in me.

change.
can you will change to come?
can you boss it around, and tell it you want it
to come into your life this very moment?
can you control it?
i guess you can only welcome it.
you have no say in how change molds you.
just open up your arms, your heart, and lift your eyes to the sky.

all i know is what i need to do today:
write.
sing.
hum.
dance.
cry.
laugh.
walk with the rain.
bow.
listen.
see.
sigh.



{been listening to a great songwriter. especially this and this}.


17 comments:

BrittanButterfly said...

it is nice knowing that I am not the only one who has the tendencies to feel the way that you have described here. I have the same problem, being self defeating (before I even start) just because I want everything to work out perfectly... Its tiresome and frustrating, but part of how I am. Thank you for sharing this! And change can be manifested, granted not always at the pace you would like it, but it can be coaxed in one direction or another...

just jill said...

as long as you continue to do those things and enjoy them as you go along, change will come!

Dancing Branflake said...

That's a beautiful story. Congratulations on going to grad school. Where are you going?

Ann Marie said...

i'm going to middlebury college's bread loaf school of english {creative writing}

Katherine said...

As a recovering perfectionist - I just say amen. I'm learning that if I let my life and myself be the way they are and where they are without fretting about what will happen if.... then I'm so much more content. (Not that I don't work toward goals and so forth too!)

redmenace said...

A lovely lovely post. Congratulations on graduate school. I miss school friends, a lot. You will enjoy it!

Char said...

beautiful - i know the feelings well of holding yourself back because you're feeling you may not do the right thing. but yes, allow yourself to fly.

Elsa May said...

Congratulations on being accepted to grad school! As another self-doubting perfectionist I try to remember two things I've been told - one from my Granny "there's no such word as can't", and the other from R "don't shoot 'arrows' at yourself, life shoots enough at you without you adding to them". Be kind to yourself and enjoy the time and space you have now.

Andree said...

Thank you for a very inspiring post. It was personal enough to let me in, it was objective enough to take me away as an observer.

Congratulations on grad school -- I sincerely hopes that it brings you all the opportunities, challenges, and rewards you seek.

Bernie said...

Oh sweetie, the one thing you can count on in life is change....it is inevitable.

All will work out I am sure and I do hope you enjoy your walk in the rain.......:-) Hugs

The Socialite said...

What a beautiful post! :)

We all get the grumps sometimes, feeling overwhelmed, doubtful...etc - but it's so great to remember about all the great things in our lives. Congrats on grad school! I have yet to apply! This downtime for me has been crazy, but I know it's a nice break, so I'm hoping to really enjoy it! ;)

erin :) said...

beautifully written! i definitely feel at least a bit of the struggle you feel. there's so much in my life i want to acheive that i'm just overwhelmed into giving up and doing nothing sometimes. but with a little help from people like your professor, life becomes a little more clear. thank god for encouraging people like that, eh? :)

i'm sure you've already done great things, and i'm sure you'll continue to do so with your unique writing style. god bless your pursuits! and best of luck. :)

whit said...

I love this post!! Thank you so much for writing it. I feel we are all hard on ourselves...more than we should be. Embrace change it will only make you grow. Congrats on grad school!! You are going to learn and do so much.

cindy said...

i share many of those feelings and have acknowledged that our lives are constantly changing, although we try very hard to get everything buttoned up and under control. the movie 'a serious man' really resonated with me in that regard.

it's not always easy for me to embrace change, but i try. you are in touch with your feelings and that's half the battle. i love your professor's dream, which is very powerful and something you'll look back on for many years.

Hip Hip Gin Gin said...

"My perfectionism holds me back from beginning." I fell exactly the same way, I could have written that about myself. I'm always chickening out of starting things because I fear them not turning out perfectly. What to do about it? Oy. I'm still working on that, but I suppose recognizing the problem is the first step toward change isn't it?

Laura said...

I love the image of bossing Change around. Wonderful!

bigBANG studio said...

my little heart is SINGING i'm so excited for you to go to breadloaf. i KNEW they'd do anything to have you, my talented dear! the in between time IS so challenging, but if you can find a little light, a little direction, RUN TO IT and WITH IT, and you will once again be consumed with great creative energy.

so proud of you. you're amazing.
xo.