I am an age old tree. I am stars in white snow.

our picnic at the lake: part two

2012-01-31T00:55:00.001Z

it's always windy at the lake. so eventually i had to put on a thicker coat.

i can't seem to get over how quiet it was here. it's an expansive silence.

a silence that you know if you had more time to listen you might have a poetic epiphany about life.

i just wanted to breathe. to be quiet as well. i wanted to look with my uneducated eyes.

it's times like these i wish i would have found an interest in biology earlier in life.

but now is never too late...i will observe as a child observes, and maybe one day i'll

have names to put on the phenomena i see, hear, and feel.

am so grateful for access to wildness.

it's monday now. one of those great mondays where you feel motivated,

like you're ready to move forward with life, approaching obstacles with

confidence that you will get through them.

{p.s. am feeling nostalgic for a sunny day up at the cabin thanks to marte!}

sunday afternoon : herbs, pages, lyrics, and women

2012-01-29T23:21:00.001Z

i think i'm getting the hang of this pages thing. it's been difficult to unplug as i'm finding i have

more of an addiction to the laptop and these "convenient" smart phones we all carry around.

but i'm making progress, and pages are slowly taking over my life beautifully,

filling my mind with wonderful pictures, and creating questions that sometimes feel too big to approach.

ceej is out of town, jet-lagged in germany. i think his leaving just gets harder and harder every time.

but i guess that's a good sign, yes?

this afternoon i took a break from one little book to retreat into the kitchen

to have a little refreshment by a sunny window with notes to review and that will hopefully

help me to read more deeply.

i've been reading about women in eighteenth century britain...what a gender-biased time to live in.

i have to admit that i sometimes wonder if we {women} have progressed as much as i would hope...

there seems to be so much more to be done in terms of equality. what do you think?

there are so many women i admire these days, changing the way things work and how we view them.

i am certainly grateful that i am even allowed to attend a university, vote, and generally have more control over my own life and its direction.

i'm interested. what do you think about women and our place in society?

one of the best ways to experience a snowstorm: invite friends over for a little bonfire, smores, conversation, and lots of laughing

2012-01-27T14:28:00.000Z

click here to listen to a good campfire song...

just last weekend i wanted to take advantage of the falling snow

so we invited a few friends over for a potluck bonfire.

we caught up with friends who just delivered their first baby in a gas-station parking lot,

heard plans and dreams from another who wants to design technical gear for women (yes!),

questioned our nurse practitioner/dermatologist about all of our skin questions,

tried to keep our hands free of sticky marshmallows while avoiding smoke in our eyes,

retreated into the house to write limericks (some successful, and some very successful in their unsuccess),

and a promise to gather again soon.

hooray for snow. hooray for winter. hooray for friends.

when the mountains were too dangerous we headed to the lake for a picnic {part one}

2012-01-26T03:40:00.000Z

what a dreamy weekend we had. lots of snow fell, which made for cozy nights with friends,

but made for a dangerous backcountry...so no skiing for us. avalanches were too sensitive for our liking.

so we headed out to the great salt lake for an afternoon picnic.

it's amazing how much contrast there is in our landscape:

one minute you can be in the aspens and pines of the snowy mountains,

and the next minute you can be on a desert island surrounded by a salty lake and open skies.

i don't think i'll ever tire of a yellow landscape nudging a blue sky...

nor will i ever tire of the quiet that resides on this island.

for all we knew we were the only ones there enjoying the sun and a good meal together.

you can't beat good bread, good soup, and hot cocoa on a crisp day.

i love little "getaways" like this...escapes into what is real in this world.

simplifying...part of which includes finally finishing off the last mini poppyseed citrus cake

2012-01-20T17:45:00.000Z

it's always nice to have a reminder that there is a reason simplicity is my favorite.

thank you all for your support in my journey to simplify.

i did indeed drop that extra course, and maybe i felt bad for just a second,

mainly because i was sad to miss a class taught by such a good professor.

but basically, i jumped for joy, whipped up a bowl of ice cream,

and watched an episode of the cosby show with ceej--

all in celebration of the restoration of a more flexible schedule.

i'm enjoying my remaining class so much more,

and harbor no more grudges towards my lovely books.

phew. this is good. and to top it all off ceej and i have plans galore to go outside this weekend.

hooray for simplicity!

halloooo out there {out there as in being outside, which i am pining for}

2012-01-19T01:51:00.002Z

oh my. i'm being eaten by ~~a boa-constrictor~~ piles of books and loose pages of essays.

somehow i've either forgotten how to schedule life or i have filled my days with too much

{fyi: life is "too busy" if i cannot find an hour a day to do as i please: take a nap, read books, stare at the wall, knit...a luxury? not for me. down time is essential to this woman's sanity}.

i've been noticing, quite acutely, how much my out-of-doors time has been cut back.

it's bad. very, very bad. i seem to be inhabiting rooms these days...usually the office/study.

how long have i been back in school? oh yes. only two weeks, and i'm already

resenting these books {which i do love} for their neediness.

i'm busy. by my standards. and i'm wondering how to remedy my dilemma.

(a) learn how to schedule better, and stay away from the interwebs

(b) adopt a scaled-back schedule by dropping a class that isn't necessary now (or ever, really), and that is causing me lots and lots of stress...though i keep it in the schedule because i don't want to feel like i "gave up." hmph.

point: i need to get outside more, and find more quiet time...especially now that the snow has finally started to fall.

{photos from our trip to grand teton national park last summer/fall}

determined to stay on this road...because i have seen the end of it, and it is magnificent

2012-01-13T16:47:00.002Z

i've been watching my thoughts, considering all of your kind words,

listening to this, this, this, and this....

all of this has brought me to a place of determination. a place of acceptance that

the road ahead will be challenging and will test my soul because, let's face it,

i am facing my biggest fears. what are my fears?

i'm afraid that my head may actually be empty and void of any intellect;

i'm afraid of being misunderstood;

i'm afraid of not being able to contribute to essential life conversations;

i'm afraid of missing beauty that is perhaps hidden from me.

somehow school enables me to face all of these fears.

perhaps this is why i love it so much: it takes my entire being--head, heart, soul.

in the end i find i have nothing to fear.

there is indeed a brain inside this skull, and a heart too.

i understand more than i think i do, and others delight in hearing my point of view.

i contribute my honest heart.

and i always find beauty beyond what i could have ever imagined.

i'm on this academic road...it's a long and ambitious road.

i feel like closing my eyes tight every time i walk out the door

and enter a classroom filled with "experts." at times all i can do is hold tight:

my books are never far from me. my calendar is filled with deadlines and goals.

i reach out to more books than required to help me on this journey.

i remind myself that this experience is for me, and no one else.

i only have to prove myself to myself. write what i want to write.

and, yes, i have seen the end of this road.

i can imagine it as i drive away from campus...

the end of this road is filled with joyous tears and the sensation

that i can continue on as many roads as i desire.

because i am determined. and that's enough.

{photos from our walk in derbyshire, england this summer}

i've been swallowed whole by a first week of classes filled with in-over-my-head discussions

2012-01-12T17:41:00.004Z

i'm trying to remind myself that this is what first weeks always feel like to me,

and that they usually turn out better after a little one-on-one with the professors.

this week has been filled with yoga/affirmation/study hard routines:

ujjayi breathing, "i am that," "i am enough," happily looking up word after word in the

oxford english dictionary, making notes in the margins, writing papers that i attempt to feel confident about...

and then it all unravels in class yesterday. i felt like a six-year-old showing up to

a summer birthday party at a swimming pool wearing my favorite sweater and scarf and leather boots.

"what did you write about?" well, uh, obviously not what i was supposed to write about--

or really not even close to what everybody else wrote about...did i miss something?

what are you guys talking about? i'm pretty sure i read the same poems and essays you did,

but i don't understand a word you're saying? i think i have the same questions/concerns you have,but somehow i can't seem to process what you're saying in time to give a response, or evenask a question...

i'm trying to remind myself that this is how i always feel the first week of classes:

unprepared, anxious, questioning how thick my skull really is, ready to find out that maybe all those nay-sayers were right after all. phooey.

i'm battling with this head and heart of mine as i prepare to meet with the professor and

"confess" my anxieties, ask my questions (no matter how thick), and receive his verdict.

oi. bless my soul.

so i'm off to re-read everything. using a different colored pen for round two.

ready to find my voice, and ask my questions (i think. i hope.).

will let you know how it goes...tiwanda!!!

(p.s. doesn't this breakfast look so pretty, tasty, and relaxing...this was breakfast last week. this week it's been mostly oatmeal. no time for pretty little meals this week. boo.)

{update: didn't meet with my professor because i unknowingly scheduled our meeting during the middle of my other course...oops! i've seriously got to get this calendar thing imprinted on the brain a little better. but no worries. it gave me a chance to talk briefly with a class mate, which helped to settle this racing heart inside this anxious body. and thank you(!) for all your soothing, supportive words. you're all lovely people that i wish i could bring to school with me}

film : a summer's walk outside oxford

2012-01-09T18:30:00.000Z

hello lovely readers. how was the weekend? we had such a great, relaxing weekend

spending time with good friends and revisiting our favorite epic story...which is to be continued.

i recently made a long overdue trip to the photo lab to get some of my images

processed from my time in england last summer.

after looking at these images (and more that i will post later) i think i finally know

how i want to use a camera like this little graflex.

my favorite images are, as always, images where i used a shallow depth of field.

it was tricky as i was usually in need of a small aperture, meaning i didn't get my desired effect all that often. but i am learning how to use such a great little camera, and i hope

i have just a little more time with it before i return it to its owner.

and in other news, i start classes today (hip, hip hooray!)

i'm taking a couple supplemental courses to expedite my graduation date,

and i couldn't be more happy to be on my way to buy textbooks and blank notebooks.

happy monday!

we've been enjoying the little winter that is still clinging on in the mountains...

2012-01-06T15:19:00.000Z

last week ceej, my brother, and i took my sister-in-law up to the mountains for her

first backcountry skiing experience. she caught on quickly and was a champ.

these days we haven't seen much snow...we're getting anxious about this drought.

not only do we need snow to ski on, but we'll need water to drink throughout the coming year.

this also explains my frustration with local congressmen trying to sell watershed land

to private corporations for development. it's federal land now--which means for all of you

living in the states it's your land too. you could even give your own congressman a heads-up

with a nice little email to help us here in utah battle to keep our watershed pure...

sorry for that little rampage. i just can't help myself. you know how i love my mountains.

anyway, i am looking forward to this weekend. we have a little theme party planned,

and i can hardly wait for ceej to transform into samwise and i get to wear my elven garb,

and brush up on my elvish. totally geeking out.

hope you have lovely plans for the weekend. see you next week!

2012's wild word :

2012-01-04T20:01:00.001Z

i usually don't make new year's resolutions as i feel that every day

presents an opportunity to set goals, to strive to do better.

so a couple of years ago i began my own new year's tradition

that would help guide me and my decisions as i navigated through the days & months ahead:

inspired by terry tempest williams, i ask the earth to

"give me one wild word to follow..."

last year the word that popped into both heart and mind was content.

i knew it was time to be content with just a handful of goals, things, people, travels, etc.

i found gratitude for what i already had and for what i was already doing,

and, for the most part, learned to say "no" to very attractive opportunities that were, nevertheless, not quite the opportunities that would have taken me to where i want to be.

this year the one wild word that has kept a solid place in heart and mind is pages.

it truly was the first word to pop into my head as i asked the earth to

give me one wild word to follow.

i did try to reason that word out of my head as i felt a bit of pressure from that word:

i felt that there's no way this year can ask me to fill pages with my own personal writing

as i will be much busier than last year...

but then the wild word gave me some clarification:

pages can indeed be blank pages i fill with my own simple words,

but it can also be the pages i read that contain more words that will inspire and inform.

pages from my piano and violin books as i continue to master such elegant and wise

instruments. pages that i write for professors. pages that are notes to those i love.

this wild word i want to follow will help me to focus

on writing down my thoughts, experiences, feelings as we travel to places near and far,

i will continue writing poetry;

it will remind me to read as many pages from great authors as i can,

i will play music from composers that have inspired my own writing.

this wild word, pages, will motivate me to write, to read, to make music, and to share my humanity.

what's your take on new year's resolutions? do you make them? what are they this year?

would love to hear what has you inspired for the new year ahead.

my year of contentment was just what i had hoped for

2011-12-30T21:22:00.000Z

we made the move from california to utah.

see our last visit to the coast here.

see all of our skiing outings here.

come on our desert road trips here.

visit my oxford posts here.

all of our photos from england are right here.

see our camping photos here.

come to our cabin with us here.

beautiful hikes here and here and here and here.

pretty fall picnics here, here, and here.

it's been an incredible year. and i am content.

happy new year!

christmas morn and how the gift-giving began

2011-12-29T16:16:00.000Z

we spent our christmas eve night sleeping under our christmas tree...

which was a bit problematic for ceej since the glow of the tree kept him up a bit,

but he was a good sport and stayed the entire night with me under the twinkle lights.

oh how i loved waking up christmas morning under our tree!

we began the unwrapping as soon as we had some christmas tunes going

since we had many places to go throughout the day.

there were sweaters for both of us, books for all (this year was the year for academic books!),

a wooden spoon from germany from ceej, notebooks for thoughts, gear for mountains...

it was a lovely simple morning.

we were quickly out the door to see family. the joyous traditions began,

and continued until late at night. i slept soundly that night.

hope your christmas found you surrounded by loved ones.

will be back tomorrow with my favorite moments from 2011.

twinkle lights, snowflakes, and kin

2011-12-22T16:57:00.000Z

it's here. i feel like christmas has already arrived.

family members are slowly arriving from all over the country--

by sunday everyone will be here. we haven't been together for 4 years.

this is incredibly exciting for me.

tomorrow all the festivities begin:

friday ceej and i celebrate eight years of marriage.

how lucky i am to have this incredibly kind & brilliant mountain man in my life.

how did i make such a great decision at the young age of 22?

most of my decisions at that age were lame-o...but i think, somehow, i had some help with this decision!

here's to many more years of road trips, camp-outs, skiing, building furniture, cooking breakfast, dinner, and lunch, cuddling on the couch watching movies, conversations about the world and politics, comedy hour just before bed time, dancing in the kitchen, the living room, and the hallway. love you ceej.

christmas eve will be filled with seeing old friends and more family.

christmas day...will be marvelous. the whole fam will be here. hallelujah!

merry christmas to all of you dear readers. thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.

preparing for the big day : ginger & short breads

2011-12-21T22:19:00.000Z

i've only been baking for two days...which is enough for me.

i'm happy to have some tasty treats to have around the house and to pass out to neighbors.

and now i am also happy to finish the eternal dishwashing that came along with making such lovely treats.

we're off to a birthday party and merry making into town.

solstice : a lovely paradox

2011-12-21T16:19:00.000Z

just wanted to wish you a happy solstice. i absolutely adore this day--the darkest day of the year.

it just amazes me that on the darkest day of the year (which is beautiful in and of itself) that there is

simultaneously hope of lighter days...from here on out, for the next six months, the sun becomes

more and more a part of our days.

though i do love the darker days of winter, there is something quite beautiful watching the sun slowly

make its way back into longer days.

hope you enjoy this wondrous day. i know i will.

preparing for the big day : yarn, twine, twigs, brown paper, citrus and handwritten notes

2011-12-20T16:51:00.000Z

oh how i am enjoying a little break from teaching. i can finally get to all the projects i've been

wanting to start or finish. hooray for a hand-made christmas! (hopefully the recipients feel the same).

the days have been wonderfully gloomy--the kind of weather i hope for when i gather

all my yarn about me with a cup of tea or cocoa and listen to my fave holiday classics.

cozy just doesn't have the same feeling when it's sunny and hot outside.

am so happy to be living in a place that has all four seasons again. it's been oh so liberating. i like change indeed.

am so grateful that i've been able to avoid busy shopping areas this year.

it has made gift-giving such a rejuvenating experience.

i love that my days are spent at home, relaxing, going at my own pace.

and i can hardly wait to get all of these projects wrapped...sort of the icing on the cake.

hoping today to get to the little baking i've been wanting to do:

gingerbread today; shortbread the next day; and homemade custard egg nog for thursday.

love this time of year.

there were stars in white snow

2011-12-19T18:08:00.000Z

we slept in. ceej made waffles. and we went up to the mountains.

a frosty night left branches dressed in crystal, and the morning sun

brought out stars lingering in the snow.

this is a language of light and snow that demands my eyes, my heart, my soul.

this is a language that is quiet, but deep and potentially fatal.

how can something so still and hushed change a landscape or take a life?

perhaps this is what draws me : the tension of beauty and terror; creation and destruction.

the rivers were iced over, and the flowing water beneath bubbled to its icy roof.

the shade of trees kept us moving to stay warm, but the sun asked us to stop when it touched the light of the snow.

this is a language i hope never to forget.

somehow i don't think this is a language that is to be spoken,

but a language that is to be heard.

it's going to be a lovely week thanks to stars in white snow.

i'm off to knit, write, bake, and make music.

happy monday.

my own backyard lothlorien

2011-12-16T16:15:00.000Z

it's been tricky getting myself out of bed and out the door these mornings--

my inclination is hibernation. these short cozy days are meant for snuggling in bed.

my snooze button has been getting frequent use, and every now and then my

bed beats my running shoes to my heart.

but i'm always happy with what i choose: bed or fresh air.

the other morning i was especially pleased that fresh air won out:

i finally had the frosty morning of fog that i have been dreaming of for weeks.

as i stepped out the door i felt that i had truly stepped into the forest of lothlorien:

this winter was not threatening nor a death, but something truly fresh, poignant, and magical.

definitely worth getting out of a nice warm bed for...and of course, i didn't even notice the cold.

i'm off to enjoy more frosty days as we approach the darkest day of the year, which is really my favorite day of the year.

a quick hello

2011-12-13T20:19:00.001Z

so. very. busy.

but my to-do list has been much more enjoyable these past couple of days, and it keeps getting better:

:: take sister's family photos on their beautiful property in the desert

:: finally meet newest nephew, now 4 months old, in person...he's happily getting chubbier by the minute

:: accompany pretty violins playing pretty christmas carols

:: annual family gingerbread decorating extravaganza

:: put my house back in order after a week of neglect

:: pull out my own violin after two weeks of neglect

:: practice this song and this song to play with my brother, the pro jazz drummer

:: write, write, write for my new secret project

:: finally learn some new photo skills from this incredible photographer

:: bake, bake, bake (mostly gingerbread and shortbread!)

:: grab tea with another fantastic photographer

:: finalize taking more classes for graduate degree...can hardly wait to be surrounded by books and good discussion again

i'll be in and out...hopefully back soon with lots of photos to share

weekend contrasts, and how i'm going to take a deep breath now and throughout the day

2011-12-09T16:15:00.000Z

lots to do today, and i'm almost resolved to step away from the computer and face it.

it's not a terrible day really. just a day i wouldn't normally choose for myself...

but i still chose it. so here i go. the good news is is that days do not repeat themselves.

i'm sure i'll find many good things along my way today mixed in with all the dread,

and tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next will be back to normal,

back to my preferred slow pace. i'm good at slow. i love slow.

on another note, i am quite enamored with the pretty berries that blossom this time of year.

they're sort of all over my house right now. i really can't resist.

have a lovely relaxed weekend, dear readers.

the wonder of darker days

2011-12-08T16:46:00.001Z

i'm sure you've noticed that the sun is spending less time with us these days

as we approach the solstice...

my body has definitely noticed it. this morning i was hesitant to emerge from my cozy covers,

and once i did emerge i traded my morning run for a good book and some hot milk.

i think that's the best decision i made all day. i love when i can overcome a "should" with a "want."

perhaps later today i'll find some time to go walking despite the long to-do list that is looming.

can't wait until saturday...then my usual short to-do list will be back, and i can throw

this long to-do list away. i've learned a lesson with this long to-do list:

next time i'm saying "no." i'd rather be enjoying these short winter days in a "want" sort of a way, rather than a "should" sort of a way.

so, let's all go outside today. even if it's just for a little walk. what do you say?

the story of our wild mountain pine : part two {the trimming}

2011-12-07T16:34:00.001Z

every year my christmas wish is the same thing: to find a "charlie brown" tree.
there's something so heart-warming about finding the skinniest, most withered, lonely tree in the lot.
these days with tree farms all the rage, and the fact that it's illegal to go out to the woods
and cut my own tree makes it difficult to find an imperfect tree. sometimes i get so exhausted
of our obsession with perfection, you know?

so we found this skinny little tree, the most imperfect in the whole lot.
it grabbed our hearts, and we took it home with us.

our trimming party of course involved listening to our favorite holiday tunes,
and the hanging of my grandma's ornaments from the 1960's.
but this year we had some new traditions to add to trimming the tree:

first of all, ceej surprised me with a lovely snowflake ornament he picked
up in germany at the christmas market in munich.
he also surprised me with a tasty gingerbread treat from germany: lebkuchen.
once all the ornaments were in place we sat down to drink some
hot millk from our finnish wooden mugs (a gift from this lovely lady),
and i enjoyed my first bite ever of lebkuchen. i definitely think this will be a tradition.

we ended our night dancing with ella. does it get more magical than this?

{p.s. ceej made those ornaments he's holding when he was three! so cute!}

the story of our wild mountain pine : part one

2011-12-06T15:33:00.000Z

it's so great to have ceej back home again. what relief.

we spent our day together yesterday looking for a christmas tree

in the freezing cold weather...it was one of those days where the sun

tricks you into thinking you don't need your thickest coat.

so, our looking for a tree was sped up by my need to get warm.

luckily, we found a nice wild-grown tree that a nice farmer had grown just for us (right?).

this is why i enjoy christmas so much. christmas day is not, actually, my favorite...

all of the festivities that lead up to it are such a joy:

finding a tree, trimming it, listening to the songs we always listen to,

making the cookies and candies i make every year,

walking up and down the streets to see everybody's pretty lights.

christmas day is lovely...but not as lovely as the entire month leading up to it.

so glad i get to spend most of this month with my favorite person ever.

more of our christmas tree shenanigans tomorrow.

re-visiting new forest national park & other places

2011-12-04T23:42:00.001Z

i've been re-visiting photos from my time in england last summer,

and have started posting some old & new photos on my little tumblr site.

would love to see you over there too.

these winter nights & pages i've been turning

2011-12-04T01:42:00.002Z

this is what these photos and my nights sound like

nights spent alone in the colder months seem to be more lonely than usual:

i eat my meals with no companion but my laptop, which is a bad habit to get into--

at least i can have a semblance of a conversation with pretty images and words on the interwebs.

maybe one of these nights i'll embrace my alone-ness and simply have my meal

while watching the flicker of a lit candle...except tonight is my last night alone for a few months!

each night i have turned on my twinkle lights and lit a few candles...trying to make this place feel and look warm, despite our old leaky windows that ceej usually protects me against with his big hugs.

i look at pretty photos of europe covered with winter, and pine forests quiet as snow falls

while i sip my hot spiced milk.

i fall asleep reading. i've decided to revisit steinbeck's pages as i'm trying to brush up a bit

on my twentieth century american literature for a class i'll be taking come january.

i am happy with thoughts of going to class again. reading. discussing. writing. melting.

perhaps next i'll visit mr. eliot, zora, or ms. morrison...or maybe delve into the ever difficult, but rewarding gertrude. and i finally have an excuse to read some more history books.

i also get to delve into literature i never have before: restoration british literature.

it's a bit intimidating going into a graduate classroom that i know little about its literature, politics, or history.

but, ah, school. i love it. i'm giddy just thinking of it.

but, i digress...

my nights have been lonely. but somehow they've been pretty.

i love my starry lights, my warm drinks as i turn pages filled with pulsing words and images,

and my music as i fall asleep trying to keep warm alone in a bed too big for this one person.

cj's plane lands tomorrow night...he'll be back at home,

and our home will significantly increase its warmth.

hoping your weekend has been warm and restorative.

europe on the brain : a summer eve's walk in derbyshire {part one}

2011-12-02T16:12:00.003Z

it feels like everyone (well, maybe just two or three people) i know is

either in europe at the moment, or has just returned from visiting.

ceej has been hopping around from germany to switzerland to norway, and now back to germany.

this lovely lady is creating beautiful things in her home near oslo,

and another good friend made a spontaneous decision to visit london for thanksgiving.

i'm feeling like europe is in my near future--at least i feel i'm going to try my best to get there

within the next few months. switzerland, germany, and norway sound lovely right now.

i think europe in the winter would be absolutely breathtaking.

these photos are from our visit to derbyshire this past summer.

what a lovely bit of earth this place is.

i could see how the land has inspired such wonderful literature.

it is a place that demands you walk in it. every day.

ceej returns home on sunday, and i can hardly wait to

share in all this holiday cheer that's going round with him.

are you feeling any wanderlust lately? what land is pulling on your heart strings?

have a happy, dreamy weekend!

hello december...

2011-12-01T16:27:00.001Z

this is indeed a magical month...though i came into it a bit agitated.

yes, agitated. yesterday i tried to go for a walk in the mountains...

it lasted a full ten minutes before i felt anxious and stirred up.

a rare phenomenon indeed. usually the mountains sooth me,

but i think i forced myself upon them, and so i found nothing there.

perhaps i found nothing there because i had so many ideas swimming

around in my head, and i just had to get them out. this project is pulling me,

taking on a life of its own.

last night the wind was agitated too. it kept me up for hours

before i finally rolled my tired body out of bed to find some ear plugs.

i haven't heard such a frightful wind in years.

my power flickered on and off, and i was sure my ice cream was going to melt in the freezer.

i wished ceej was home so we could cuddle the storm out together.

i finally fell asleep with the ear plugs in, and hoped i wouldn't shiver all night long.

this morning i crossed a couple of have-to's off my list and had a lovely idle morning.

the wind is still blowing, but i have power and ideas are still swimming in my head.

this month, this magical month, has already cast it's spell on me.

it has unsettled me, made me uncomfortable, while simultaneously giving me

lots of sweet dreams and imaginations. it is stirring me thoroughly.

so off we go...

{p.s. i hope to tell you of my amazing project next month sometime...for now i must keep it secret/keep it safe. you're going to love it. i promise.}

this excited body needs to get outside to let the imagination fly

2011-11-30T16:46:00.001Z

for the past two days i have been practically glued to my computer...

you would think i was designing computer software or writing code, but no,

i have been trying to improve my illustrator skills for an exciting project i'm working on.

this morning, after a great little meeting, my brain has been flooded with ideas

and i'm tempted to spend another day on the computer...

but i'm going to fight that urge because i know that when this happens

i need to take a walk outside, in my mountains, in the woods,

and write down everything that comes into this body, heart & mind.

so very excited indeed. can't wait to tell/show you all what it's all about.

these photos are from our last trip down to southern utah.

ceej is in europe (in norway, i think, at the moment), and i'm missing him.

i think it's hardest when the holiday season is upon us, and i have no one

to sip hot cocoa with and listen to andy williams with.

sunday this loneliness will be over with. can't wait.

so until then, i'm distracting myself with such a wonderful project and headed to the mountains.

come and visit...

2011-11-28T16:07:00.001Z

meag, the egg out west, asked me to talk about my love for jackson.

i love her blog and her love of the west. her photos are lovely and inspiring.

come see my guest post here.

thank you, meag!

happy, happy monday!

christmas is here and how i can't wait for dark to come

2011-11-26T19:45:00.001Z

we wasted no time getting out the christmas decorations this year.

last year i didn't get to decorate as we were right in the middle

of our move from california to utah...so it's been two years

since i've seen my favorite christmas decorations.

i loved having boxes scattered about, ella singing silent night in the background,

ceej helping me fix my insufficient hanging jobs, and then finally

sitting on the couch together admiring how festive this little home has become.

i really can't wait for evening to come and for the sun to set so we

can turn on all of our pretty little twinkle lights.

ceej gets to go to europe tomorrow for a week of business meetings in lovely countries...

jealous indeed. but at least i have my pretty little christmas house to console me.

about thanksgiving and my cute little scarred pies

2011-11-25T21:44:00.001Z

our holiday was cozily quiet and low-key...other than that crux-of-a-moment

when all of the food is about to be ready and we're all running around the kitchen

trying to remember which timer was for which dish, and which dish goes in which dish.

my pies got a little scarred thanks to my slovenly use of tinfoil. oh well. they had character. and tasted delish.

there were only eight of us this year. so there was plenty of food, and plenty of opportunities for post-feast naps.

we finished out the night watching a little movie about a fox.

i quite like a quiet holiday.

hoping yours was festive and restorative.

today we ventured down to the basement for christmas decorations...more photos to come.

{photos by ceej}

grateful for it all...especially the pies

2011-11-24T02:25:00.001Z

the food preparations started today as i'm sure it did at many of your homes.

this is it. the holidays are here...yippee! earlier today it was ella; now it's johnny.

my pumpkin pies turned out, other than the scars from peeling back the foil;

the banana cream pie might need a re-do as the pastry cream has not set quite firm enough...

oh, perfection! how i hope you never touch this kitchen.

i am truly grateful for it all: this life, this earth, the people i love and who love me,

the bad days just as much as the good days, the frustration as much as the triumphs...

and the pies. i am grateful. this life is enough.

i hope you enjoy your harvest feast tomorrow.

we'll eat to our soul's delicious content,

and make our way to the mountains the following days

to ski with friends. should be a satisfying weekend.

skiing for free, no lines, my mountains, and why my thighs will be hurting for days

2011-11-23T21:49:00.000Z

yesterday i had the afternoon off from teaching so i thought

i'd take advantage of free time and free lift rides.

a ski resort near us offers free skiing everyday after 3 o'clock. everyday.

that's a solid 1.5 hours of skiing; 5-6 runs {enough for this woman's thighs}.

plus, there were no lines yesterday. let's here it for weekdays!

i went up to get my first turns in for the season,

knowing that, in the backcountry, downhill can be the most difficult.

and this year we're trying to avoid giving the resorts any of our money...

they're all trying to expand and develop into the backcountry. boo.

why can't they just be happy with what they've got,

and keep our skiing {winter} and hiking {summer} as empty as possible?

anyway...

was happy to get up to the mountains to drop into lunge after lunge after lunge {telemarking}.

i'm determined this year to get some better skills...if only just to keep up with these kids.

fog seems to be everywhere but here

2011-11-21T17:36:00.000Z

hello monday. i am happy you brought rain to my world today.

happy i get to pull my wellies over my toes to keep dry.

but, where is the fog? i am seeing it in norway, in england, and everywhere else it seems.

i need more fog. more gray. more mist. more magic.

in the mean time i'll be knitting and listening to violins and women speak...

and trying to remain calm as i may have lost all images from one of my hard drives.

hello monday.

how this sweet forest finally brought some holiday cheer around here

2011-11-18T21:44:00.000Z

i have had plans to make sugar cookies this morning all week.

tomorrow my cute little piano students have their recital,

and i want them to have a fun little treat after all the anxiety.

though i had plans to make these treats days ago

i had no idea this would put me in a holiday spirit...

there is a chance of snow, the clouds are here,

and vince guaraldi was calling my name.

we usually have a "family rule" that there is no holiday music

until after thanksgiving...but i couldn't resist today.

so it feels absolutely lovely, cozy, and festive in our home today.

this weekend will be a mix of busy and idle.

can hardly believe that thanksgiving is next week.

have a lovely weekend, dear readers.

an early morning spent in the silence that is a beautiful white winter

2011-11-17T16:55:00.001Z

there is a quiet and powerful magic that resides at dawn in the wintry mountains.

truly winter is a miraculous gift that slows us down as its silence

forces us to look around us, and take deep breaths.

how can one hurry through something so still?

everything has begun to sleep, to rest;

and the only thing to really soak in is how the light of the moon and sun

touch everything beneath them, and the sight of your own frozen breath.

it certainly slows one down to a place where life is all that you are concerned with.

mortality. how incredibly profound this life is. it's perfect.

we rose early. before the sun was up. bundled and hesitant.

the car finally stopped mid-way up the canyon,

and we all resolved to keep going; to get out of the car,

change comfy boots for stiff boots,

hats and headlamps on as we started our own individual

versions of a "got-to-keep-warm-or-i'll-never-do-this-again" jig.

once we were on the trail we reacquainted ourselves with muscles

we haven't used all summer; our mouths became silent other than

heavy exhales as we climbed on our skis to get our heart rates up.

this was a training morning...a morning to get ready for when

more snow comes and the temperatures drop lower still.

i finally pulled out my camera after thirty minutes of skinning

as the sun was finally starting to creep up the mountain.

i became slower. stopping every little bit to capture this icy beauty.

we turned around and made our way back to the car.

our mouths began to talk again as the spell of silence lifted.

and now i am slowly drinking some warm spiced milk,

and looking forward to yoga tonight to stretch these muscles of mine.

looking forward to winter in all its stillness.

{p.s. found this little video of snow falling via modern hepburn. can't wait for the next snow storm}

"the advantages i have gained by knowing john keats would to gain any other way have doubled and trebled the time"

2011-11-16T17:55:00.001Z

during my summer in oxford i took a few breaks from my

studies to explore all of the cultural delights that were at my fingertips.

on the top of my list was visiting the home that john keats lived in

for two short, but prolific years.

this is the home where he met and fell in love with fanny brawne.

this is the home where he wrote his best poetry--where he sat beneath a tree

and wrote ode to a nightingale.

after my first summer of grad school in asheville, north carolina

where i was able to study his letters and poetry in depth

i became entranced by his words in both prose and verse.

this was a human being full of a deep understanding of the heart, the soul, and this life.

when i took an afternoon to go to london to the hampstead heath neighborhood

i was immediately smitten with this charming area filled with homes that

will most likely never be within my means.

it was raining which just added to the melancholy and simultaneous joy that i was feeling.

this home is one of the most peaceful places i have ever walked in.

you could feel john keats pacing through the hallways,

and walking out the door to meditate on words and the heart.

keats died of consumption in italy, far from his love.

it is incredibly heart-breaking, yet beautiful, to read joseph severn's letters

documenting keats' harrowing death.

i was lucky enough to visit the house on the final day that they had the

actual last letter that keats wrote to fanny brawne.

it was quite incredible to see his handwriting for myself with my own eyes.

last night i spent some time in the library revisiting my writings from oxford this summer.

i was reminded of how powerful poetry really, truly is--how it has changed me forever.

my thoughts were on john donne and john keats

which reminded me of my visit to this place.

if you ever visit london, it is worth the trip to see this holy house.

a birthday in the desert

2011-11-15T16:37:00.001Z

this weekend we celebrated cj's birthday in the desert with friends.
we're pretty happy that good friends have moved back to the state;
to a beautiful small town in the middle of our favorite desert.

the desert is incredible in autumn:
golden leaves, red rock, and blue skies {at least they were blue before an awesome storm blew in}.
it was so nice to have a nice home to retire to every night,
where a fire warmed us, and we enjoyed indian cuisine and a chocolate cake made of the best of dreams.

we were happy to take our time with everything:
we woke up when we were ready after a late night of talking talking talking,
breakfast lasted at least a couple of hours as we cooked, talked, and interviewed a midwife {not for ceej & i}.
we finally got out the door and took a little stroll through the desert.
the light was so heavenly...i was glad to be on this earth with such dear people.
it truly was a miracle. a once-in-a-lifetime miracle that will never be repeated.
i love how miraculous this life is. truly amazing.

ceej had a perfect birthday weekend {according to his reports}
and we are enjoying our weekday routines.
so very grateful to have ceej in my life. he makes it magical and real.
happy birthday, ceej.

hope you and yours are enjoying all of your little miracles.

{p.s. i'm starting to teach yoga classes again this week. click here for details}

"you shall not look through my eyes...you shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self."

2011-11-09T16:33:00.000Z

i have returned to an old routine: starting my day with the reading of poetry while i eat breakfast.

it's been absolute bliss, and sets a deliberate and wondrous tone for my day.

most often i turn to whitman or to keats--poets that are essential witnesses to the beauty & suffering of this world.

simply from reading their words i have been inspired not only in my daily life,

but have found inspiration for my academic pursuits, which i cannot wait to find time to research and write about.

words of poets have always guided me and brought me great peace & comfort.

they allow me to choose if i'd like to stay near the surface or dive in deep.

here's to a deliberate day...

oxford, a b&b, and how i danced

2011-11-08T18:24:00.001Z

yesterday i was browsing through some photos on my phone,

and i stumbled upon these images that i snapped on our way

out of this bed & breakfast where we stayed in oxford...

it reminded me of the second greatest moment in my entire life

{second, of course, and predictably, to my wedding day}.

the best moment in my life happened this summer.

it came after years of self-doubt, and across a deep ocean of fear that i was drowning in.

all summer long i worked as hard as i could at oxford.

i researched, wrote, researched, wrote, researched...and wrote.

i was terrified that i would fail; that i would be "exposed" as

a "wanna-be" and a "fake"; that i would be kicked out of academia for ever and ever.

half-way through my time there i finally realized that even if i did fail

what would it matter any way? i could either try again,

or find something else just as wonderful and beautiful.

so i gave in and let go a little more of fear,

and kept on spending hours in the library and with my laptop.

as my summer at oxford was coming to an end

i was becoming anxious to see ceej after six long weeks apart...

but i was absolutely terrified of my final tutorial with my professor.

i was sure he was going to be disappointed with all of my work,

and tell me that i was a disgrace to the institution and blah, blah, blah.

ceej arrived on the same day that i was to have my final tutorial.

i waited at the bus station in the cold for over an hour for ceej to make is way to oxford from london,

not being able to communicate via cell or internet.

i thought i had my eyes peeled the entire time, but he still managed to sneak up on me...

best surprise of the entire summer!

i had to keep ceej awake so he could deal with jet-lag...so i took him to the ashmolean museum

where i dropped him off, hoping he'd find his way back to lincoln college when he was finished.

i hurried back to meet with my professor for the final tutorial.

my stomach was a mess. nervous. nervous. nervous.

i was prepared to hang my head in shame.

as our meeting started i was instantly relieved.

my professor had so much praise for my research and writing.

we laughed and ooh'd and ah'd at the great poems i had dissected, analyzed, and interpreted.

i think it would be safe to say that we were both giddy as we talked.

of course, my research wasn't perfect, but he gave me priceless advice and encouragement.

i will never, ever forget this moment.

i ran straight back to my flat, hoping that cj was there and not lost in the city.

he was there, waiting for me...i immediately started dancing right then and there,

and told ceej my good news:

i was not a "fake" and i had done incredibly well, despite every fear and insecurity i have ever had.

i needed that day, that moment, that professor.

watershed moment indeed.

i no longer worry about failing--if i fail i know i can try again and again and again until i get it just right.

i haven't always devoted myself to what i want because fear stood broadly within my heart,

but i think i have given fear a good punch in the gut, and he's still lying on the floor to this day.

after my dance and explanation to ceej we headed to our b&b: the old parsonage hotel.

it was magical. i was in oxford with my love, with news of my success, and a place to rest

my head after such an incredibly hard, but beautiful summer studying at oxford.

i'm going back. next time to pursue my doctorate. just watch me. even if i have to punch fear in the gut twenty more times.

{p.s. you should check out the photos of the old parsonage hotel's website...they're incredible}

snow & sunshine : my quiet weekend at home

2011-11-07T21:14:00.000Z

was so glad that november made itself known to us so early around here.

the snow that fell this weekend made everything quiet,

echoing the quiet that settled in my house as i spent the weekend alone...

it's that feeling as if the great film director of life turned off the soundtrack

for this moment in your life...a silent, but tangible and real moment

in which music would change the scene completely.

of course i listened to music all weekend long {especially those violins}

as i made the couch my perpetual hideout, a place to knit,

drink tea, watch movies, read books, and watch the weather out my picture window.

it truly was quiet around here...and this time it got to me, and increased my longing for ceej.

was so pleased when he returned home a little early yesterday afternoon.

we celebrated with carrot ginger soup, sourdough bread, and hot chocolate.

cold days are not meant to be spent alone.

today is one of those "i just feel good" days...

everything feels simple and right.

i'm confident that life will continue in the direction of my dreams

though they're are not so clear today...i know they are there

and will wait for me until it is time.

i'm just so happy with our little home, our simple days together.

happy monday, everyone.