how my picture window and i are quickly falling in love

with all the whirling of settling in a new place,

starting new jobs, learning to play the violin,

beginning piano lessons again, and taking on

the spanish language

i am quickly finding out how much my little picture window

has to offer me...so much beauty...and so much peace.

when i feel my brain start to overflow with

to-do lists, i wander into our living room

and sit myself down on the sofa

(usually with some hot spiced milk)

and i watch the sky change...just as celia jane

used to do out her picture window.

i love it most when there are snowflakes falling

steadily and quietly...hushing my thoughts

and slowing my heart.

i love it too when blue skies reign

and the sun makes rain of the snow on

my roof.

here, i sit and watch the beauties of january,

the snowy and the sunny...the bitter cold,

and the cozy warm.

i think i'll go there now...

what a good snow fall, night with friends, fresh flowers, and late night talks can do for a weepy soul

my, oh my, how lovely you all are. what do you say we all move in on the same block so i can see your generous faces every day? i think it's a great idea.

i had some good ol'-fashion-cry-those-soft-but-deep-tears sessions over the past couple of days. and quite a good dose of laughing too. you were right--lots of upheaval going on around here as everything is new, new, new {except for our 1960s house that simultaneously charms while i bump my head constantly on the copper range hood...looks pretty, but doesn't always function ideally}.

i kept quiet for a while...waiting to make sure i knew a bit more about my discomfort...because, really, who likes to flip out about something when it's really not the something that's truly bothering you? so, quiet was my mood.

then it all came out...of course, ceej, was the first to bear it...and he bore it well. hugs and kisses and all sorts of encouragement. there. better.

next was a night out with friends. homemade pasta at a local fave restaurant and getting to know our knew korean friends who were in town for the weekend. best part of the evening: deciding to take the koreans out to our fave gelato joint {it was a long shot, as i know most koreans despise that dairy food-group...but there's always sorbetto, right?}. turns out gelato was the right choice...only because korea's "brad pitt" was there {lee byung hun}...our korean lady friend has probably never been so giddy since middle-school days. we pushed her, and giggled, and whispered until our gentleman korean friend took action and asked if we he would kindly take a photo with us. the crowds of the sundance film festival were worth it.

late last night i kept ceej awake as i analyzed something i realized about myself...how for reasons galore i tend to belittle my accomplishments...you know, i like to say things like, "oh, it really wasn't that hard," or "it was just luck"...and then before you know it you don't think so highly of yourself. so you talk about it, get it out, and get to work the next day. love how a good talk can erase years of crazy thinking.

saturday morning comes lovely as it always does...off to the bakery i went to find some fresh baked bread and a cake for sisters' birthday party tomorrow. i got real and decided i was buying some of the food rather than making every bite from scratch because there's still towers of boxes around my house and we need to get some serious work done if our celebrated guests are to have anywhere to sit.

oh, and i picked up some flowers for myself. my hands were oh so excited to be trimming the stems, rinsing the fresh dirt off, and placing them in simple glass vases. what flowers can do for the heart! wonders, i tell you, wonders.

this just gets better. had one of those wonderfully long conversations with my mom...the conversation where you figure out how to make everyone happy and how to make today better than yesterday. we talked about music...and how we can't live without it...how listening to bach makes us feel clean and good and ready to do some serious good in small and simple ways. and then we laughed at the funny people in this world who know how to show us how absurd we can be.

i'm feeling wonderful...though everything else seems to be going absolutely wrong today. but, today, instead of crying, i am laughing at it all.

hi...i'm right here

i think you'll know what i'm talking about when i tell you that i woke up this morning feeling like i needed a good cry...all day i've told myself that i don't seem to have a reason to be sad, but, really, i do have a reason to be sad...i just don't want to admit it because it makes me feel so out of control and childish. you have those days too, yes? when you try to lift your heart boldly and do those mundane have-to's to make sure eventually you reach those dreams that are somehow made of a long list of have-to's?

this afternoon i took a break from the have-to's and i cuddled myself up in two blankets (we're doing our best to conserve energy this winter), and was determined to finish a book i started way back in november, little women. and all the while i left my itunes playing in the other room so i could softly hear melodies that tell me life is filled with wonder...because even on my sad days i know how beautiful this world is and that, for reasons i will never fully comprehend, here i am. on this earth. absolutely a miracle.

i went from page to page taking in every lovely detail of jo falling in love with her mr. bhaer while still mourning the loss of her angelic sister, beth. such heartache. such pure joy. all at once. i clung to lessons on morals (though some are quite outdated), but i clung to words on living a virtuous and simple life.

i could see that i was quickly approaching the end...i never like the end...i hate to see the characters go where i will no longer see what they do or hear what they say when life gives them what it will. but i went ahead reading...

and just as i turned to the last page, after the apple harvest and giving of gifts, i read the words, "oh, my girls, however long you may live i never can wish you a greater happiness than this!"...and, magically, at this same moment that i read the last line the music from the other room burst into my favorite part of tchaikovsky's violin concerto.

i cried. a little.

and it felt good. but i'm still in that sad place. and this sad place is making me think about slightly tweaking my life to accommodate a few more want-to's among the have-to's.

join & read with la porte rouge

have you heard? nadia over at la porte rouge has started a book club...

and it's just in time too since i left my book club back in california.

i must admit, i have been dying to be part of any club of nadia's...

so happy she started a book club.

hoping you'll join me and all the other lovely "read with me" members,

starting with thomas hardy's tess of the D'Urbervilles.

i've never read this classic and can't wait to start.

i try to have courage and laugh as i get to know my newest endeavor

it seems that everything is new in my life:
new jobs, new home, new (old) city, new year...
and now, new instrument.

i'm really quite giddy about my violin.
practice involves exercises to strengthen my
fingers and hands...there is no bow to strings yet.

but i'm giddy.
i listen to the violin all day as i work
and let the music give me courage
to try something so intimidating...
something that takes daily and constant practice.

i'm in love with this newness of life i am
absorbed in...

and i must add that it doesn't hurt that
the view outside my office gives me a view
of pouring rain and sunsets that set the clouds
on fire...

oh, and there's still lots of unpacked boxes
at my house...but my violin consoles me wonderfully.

goodbye, goodbye california : what i'm going to miss {part two}

i'm really, truly, with all my might
going to miss driving through the green hills
of marin county in the spring...it makes me feel
like i'm driving on narrow roads through ireland,
and i love seeing those happy cows (that just happen
to make the best milk i've ever tasted).

i'm going to miss taking a drive in search of
autumn to orchard after orchard of delicious apples,
and ordering a dozen warm apple cider donuts
for cj and i to eat throughout the day (yes, we eat
them all in one day though we try to use restraint).

i'm going to miss the enchantment of yosemite...
the frosty fall mornings, the cliffs watching over us,
our heated tent, and a valley so mysterious.

i'm definitely going to miss being close to such
a wonderful city as san francisco.
i loved spending a day there eating our way through
the city and finding little bits of stationary
and longing after blooms in all the flower shops.

we're going to try to visit the sea this weekend,
and maybe we'll swing by the city for something
delicious to eat.

see you next week sometime when i've had
a chance to take it all in and settle in our new home.

goodbye, goodbye california : what i'm going to miss {part one}

the movers came and went this morning...
a miracle that they can pack up so much stuff
and load it on to a truck in a matter of hours...
this could have taken me weeks if left to my own moving skills.

i think we're mostly excited for this move,
but it's funny how when i find myself sitting
in an empty apartment on the floor (of which i
will definitely not miss the carpet)
that my mind wanders to all of the adventures
that ceej and i have had in this western state.

i will miss going to the sea
where we would sit for hours reading,
drawing, or snapping photos in a rain fury.

i will miss walking slowly through old-growth
forests with trees ancient and terrible.

i will miss farmers markets year-round.
i'm quite dreading a grocery store. blah.

and i will miss our drives across the nevada desert...
people used to feel sorry for our journey
this way, but they don't know the wonderful
breath of air it was for me to be in the desert
with wide open skies and mountains bare.

we're happy for what is ahead of us...
and quite pleased with all that we discovered here
over the past two and a half years.

2011: a year of contentment

2010: a year of slowing-down and increased self-reliance
.received the good news that i was accepted into grad school.
.enjoyed day-trips into san francisco with ceej.
.started to write more.
.fell in love with our container garden.
.learned to knit and found i could not stop.
.settled on a simple hair-cut so ceej could be my personal stylist.
.let go of the idea that i had to make my own clothes.
.spent my first summer of grad school in asheville, north carolina.
.found out the good news that we were moving to utah.
.made many a road trip to california's beautiful national parks.

2010 was good to us.

2011: a year of contentment:

i am very ready to take each day as it comes to me...
to find the deep magic that lies within the ordinary.
i am ready to embrace this stage in my life:
i am a woman in my small part of the world,
learning to write what my soul and this earth are trying to tell me,
willing to practice the piano and violin everyday...enduring mistakes and repetition,
i am eager for conversations with neighbors to change my point of view,
to give me a heart full of empathy.
i am ready to accept that this year can only offer 365 days, not a lifetime.
i am a novice, a wee babe, in this world
and i am committed to a slow pace that will win the race.
i find no need to seek out more, but to seek out less:
less busy, less travel, less buying, less doing.
i don't have to accomplish big things,
i am satisfied with little victories:
one page written, a small joyful roadtrip with ceej spent in a tent, a phone call to a friend.
i don't have to say profound things at this young age of 29...
i am happy to be a beginner. learning. trying. falling. repairing.
this year i will spend a summer studying at oxford...for me, this is big. about as big as it gets.
this year i will have a reunion with all six of my siblings.
this year i will read at the end of each day, and enjoy the hard work of life-time writers.
this year i will write and re-write and re-write and re-write.
this year i will sit on my porch and knit.
this year i will do what needs to be done,
spend time here and there with friends and family,
and i will find enjoyment in silence.
this year i will find that life is just as i want it to be:
honest, simple, solid, true,
and i will be content with whatever each day will bring.


if you could narrow your resolutions down to one word,
what would you hope for 2011?

i am mightily content with our new home...

i am definitely in love with our new home in utah.

though our home is bare

i have enjoyed drinking tea with friends who have come to say hello

and we have found a strange comfort in hearing the dryer hum

as it warms our bed sheets.

i'm trying to completely embrace the peace in all its simplicity...

as the move has yet to happen.

we are back in california for our last week.

am hoping to head out to the coast

one last time

as the hills are erupting with a spring green.