have a renewing weekend...

.take deep breaths. slow & deliberate.
.watch the trees inhale and exhale the wind.
.let go of something you've been trying to control.

.talk to a farmer about where your food comes from. buy local.
.make a healthy and yummy meal from scratch for someone you love.
.give thanks to this earth and all she lends us.

.take a walk. a slow one. taking time to see and hear.
.find a sense of wonder and awe.
.this life is so good.

.keep it simple and unadorned.
.laugh. run. rest.
.renew.

where the soul never dies...

this was my kind of morning.
oh, this foggy shroud stirred my soul.
it wrapped me up,
whispered to my heart that this is it.
this is what makes everything worth it.
still. gray. calm.
this is what makes you see the world
in colors you never noticed before.
this is what pricks your senses,
allowing you to hear every bird song
and ripple on the water.
this is it.

welcome dear failure, change, success, and gratitude...

thank you all for such kind and encouraging words...
hooray for empathy and solidarity!
my day really opened me up.
i danced. i sang. i walked. i talked. i listened.

i listened to ms. chapman over and over again {while dancing and singing}
and i also listened to ms. rowling speak about the benefits of failure.
if you want to listen to that wonderful speech, click here.
i also suggest peeking at ms. chapman's website...
"our bright future"
so so beautiful.

for about the hundredth time
i am picking myself up,
and running full speed ahead
willing to trip and get up yet again
until, well, i have a feeling this is a forever cycle:
falling and getting up over and over and over...
i'm not convinced you ever get "there."

am happy to embrace it all.
thank you all for your support!

i'll be back later today...
after i dance, sing, and write.

by the way...
i will change.
happily.

i knew i needed a day to stop, a day to ask questions, a day to see...

yesterday i let all my worries overcome me.
money.school.employment.car.food.environment.art.politics.poverty.priorities.
i am easily overwhelmed. my perfectionism holds me back from beginning.
i have a doubting heart. i doubt myself especially.
how long does one have to dig before you bury an anxious heart,
and find the treasure that is an optimistic and believing heart?
how many times do i have to awaken before i really see, hear, and know?

a year ago i set up a meeting with a professor.
i wanted to ask her if she thought i was graduate school material,
and what i needed to do to get there.
as soon as i walked in the classroom she immediately told me that she
had a dream the night before:
she dreamed that she picked up the newspaper and there was an
article written by me.
then she told me i could do anything i wanted to do...
something i had always wanted a professor to say to me...
she told me not to fear tests and years of class and critical professors.
she advised me to sign up for more writing classes.
i did.


and now i have been accepted to graduate school.
it's this in between time that's killing me.
feeling listless and useless...so much good to give,
but not quite knowing how to do it,
or doubting i have it in me.

change.
can you will change to come?
can you boss it around, and tell it you want it
to come into your life this very moment?
can you control it?
i guess you can only welcome it.
you have no say in how change molds you.
just open up your arms, your heart, and lift your eyes to the sky.

all i know is what i need to do today:
write.
sing.
hum.
dance.
cry.
laugh.
walk with the rain.
bow.
listen.
see.
sigh.

{been listening to a great songwriter. especially this and this}.

a much needed stroll down memory lane thanks to a little game of tag...

a lovely woman tagged me on her blog...i found the fifth folder
and opened up the fifth image.
this photo of ceej at lunch last year is what i found.

oh. my. heart.
last spring i lived in utah finishing up my
undergrad degree in history.
ceej would come visit me as often as he could.
we had many sweet weekends together in salt lake city.
i loved picking him up at the airport on a friday evening
after a week of hard, and sometimes discouraging, homework and classes.
what a relief it was to see his eyes and feel his giant bear hugs pull me in
as my weary head rested on his shoulder.
our weekends together consisted of as many dates as we could squeeze in.

this was one of our dates.
{i posted it here originally}.
i remember having one of those moments
where i realized how fun it is to be in love,
and to enjoy such a simple thing as good food
together in a little cafe in a relatively small town.
i just stared at ceej,
grateful to be married to him...someone who knows every inch of my soul.
no one else even comes close.


after we had lunch together
we went to the wedding of our dear, dear friends.
it was such a fun and heartfelt wedding.
very simple and elegant...just like the couple
{who now live in arizona...missing them terribly today}.

my heart aches for a date with ceej in this cafe.
next time we visit home we must eat here together.

a week of sun brought spring into our lives before a week of rain came down on us today...

the magnolia trees are exploding all over our city.
it's quite beautiful.
the other blossoms are close behind.
i have a feeling we'll be having a prolonged spring...
which is wonderful indeed.

we've had days and days of sun,
but now our much needed rain is back today.

for those of you in the midst of snowy winters,
take a walk in your neighborhood with your
boots, scarves, mittens, and hats for me.
i miss my winter.

new on the margins...

check out all the new links on the sidebar.
hopefully these will help you browse my blog a bit easier.
enjoy!

if you want to take photos of something sometimes you have to eat it...unfortunately

last week i had a craving,
not to eat macarons,
but to take photos of them...

unfortunately, i couldn't resist eating them when i was done.
they melt in your mouth.
these truly are the best macarons i've ever had.

portrait blog

i just started a casual blog of some of the portraits i've recently done:

ann whittaker photography

let me know what you think!

manifesto monday: discomfort

last week was one of those weeks everything decided to break down: first the car {our car likes to require expensive repairs bi-monthly}, then the computers and internet decided they needed a vacation, then a project i was working on wasn't going well, i tried making ganache for the first time and it was a mess, my schedule was suddenly busy {something i have no idea how to handle because suddenly i realize all of my favorite things during the week have been pushed aside because i said yes to everybody else}, and well, my heart and soul had their bi-monthly break down.

just feeling like nothing is comfortable right now. but also realizing that's how it should be. there's nothing that makes a person grow better than discomfort and great breakings. discomfort demands i ask questions and become ever more deliberate. discomfort demands that i contemplate and change accordingly.

questions i am asking myself:

why do i feel it necessary to say "yes" to everything and anything?
who am i trying to please and why?
am i being too stubborn?
why do i have such a silly attachment to sugar lately?
why have i ignored my body more than usual lately, doing a shorter, lazier yoga practice and being so lax on what i put in my mouth?
why is my closet so full?
why, when balance is always my goal, do i seem to be experiencing such highs and lows?
why am i in such a rush to do everything?
why do i struggle to wake up in the mornings lately?
what happened to winter? really?
why? why? why? {am i sounding like a toddler yet?}

this week i am taking on the discomfort and welcoming it with a bouquet of fresh flowers asking it to stretch me and teach me. then i will grow, avoiding the woes of a static life. this i believe.

an antique book: death and resurrection

i was given an assignment to document
"a day in the life of __________."
i had a hard time coming up with something
interesting to document for a day
since i have no kids, no pets, no 9-5 job.
then i remembered a project i have been wanting
to do for ages:
make a literary corner in our little apartment.
here's the story of the death and resurrection of
an antique book:

i found this perfect abridged 1922 copy of les miserables
at an antique store just around the corner from our home.
$6.
i'll have you know that i had to think long and hard about
tearing this treasure apart.
i've never killed a book like this, or ever really.
books are my dearest friends,
and i definitely have more books than i have friends that are people.
my point is is that this was heart-wrenching for me
to tear out the pages of such a life.
i had to trust myself that this book would serve a greater purpose,
and that this book would just sit on a shelf unnoticed and unloved otherwise.
so i closed my eyes,
and began this painful and dirty job.

as i began to see how lovely this wall would be,
i was oh so grateful for my little book
that made such a sacrifice.
i began to see that i could read favorite passages
every time i sat in my beloved reading chair.

it's spine will sit upon a little table near its pages on the wall,
in memoriam.
and i brought home some white roses
as an offering and a friend for my book and its pages.




it turned out quite beautiful,
at least that's how i feel about it.
it was so very worth it indeed.
but don't worry,
i will not be going on a tearing-up-books frenzy.
one is quite enough.

are you ready for the prettiest gift ever given? well, here it is:

for my valentine ceej took me to this
most beautiful little store
and let me bring home a few little things
that made my heart flutter its wings.

they have a basketful of wonderful antique letters.
this, my lovelies, is what i speak of
when i tell you of the prettiest thing i have ever owned.
this letter.
so simple. the handwriting so perfect. so small.
i keep thinking i need to go back and buy up all the antique letters
so i can lie in the grass and study their every marking
to pass by my afternoons...

but, i think i will be happy with just one.
for now, at least.

aren't you just swooning over this handwriting?
it melts my heart,
and has inspired me even more to finally
sign up for a calligraphy class.

i also bought this little book of the kiss.
it's really charming in its out-of-date wisdom.
makes me laugh.
but i have to admit that some of its advice
is timeless and just so lovely.

i also purchased some mini envelopes,
which i'm sure you'll be seeing here again,
and a burlap bag to keep my little treasures in.

don't you think it's the prettiest thing you've ever seen?
thank you, ceej!

{p.s. i accidentally deleted some of your comments on previous posts...
so sorry! if you see that your comment never showed up,
please leave me another one.
i promise to be a better comment moderator!}

more of our sunny spring day in the city...

{photo by cj, all others by me, unless i am in the photo...in which case ceej obviously took it}

ceej and i had a wonderful time in the city on saturday.

i started out with another session for my workshop, which was great and very informative.

once i was finished with that, we walked and walked and walked everywhere...mainly with food in mind.

did i mention the hills in this city?

well, we basically worked for our yummy food for the day.

first stop: the best bakery in the world.

lucky for us, this was a bit of a mistake.

we intended to go to this bakery's sister cafe down the block,

but wandered in here...

oh my! so glad we did.

i saw all the yummy goodness and couldn't stop my heart from pounding with excitement.

decisions, decisions.

we got a little bit of just about everything.

it was a holiday, right?

by the way, headaches could be caused by corn syrup,

but sugar definitely does not cause headaches.

phew. that was close.

after we stocked up at the bakery, we headed over to the cafe

for a lunch to remember.

pretty sure i'll be back to this place.

best portabello muschroom burger ever!

so much flavor. mmmmmm.

i think ceej really enjoyed the food too...perhaps even more than i did.

we walked through some pretty fancy neighborhoods.

beautiful really.

we thought we'd make our grand exit

via the golden gate bridge at sunset...

along with every other person on the planet!

come back tomorrow

and i'll show you what ceej gave me

for a valentine:

the prettiest thing i now own!

{by the way, my internet is not working for some reason...hence my absence

yesterday. hoping the problem is remedied by tomorrow. if i'm not here, please come visit on friday when i am sure to be back in action}