on january...

it seems that january is the most unpopular month of them all.
but, i quite like it.
it does indeed feel like spring already,
especially with the sun shining through the windows
and the grass greening already.
where did january go?
where did winter go?
i am sad that january is coming to a close.
sad to see the night shorten its stay each day.
sad to see the blues and silvers of winter end.
it was a heavenly month wasn't it?

{my walk in the orchard this morning was perfect. more photos next week.}

a simple and rich weekend full of tiny adventures

this weekend i have a couple of little things planned.
i'm going to take along my bag full of
my favorite things:
a good, classic book to read aloud to myself
and pretend that poetry and elegance drip from my tongue,
a couple of cameras
to capture the beauty that my soul sees.
a notebook {probably two}
to write down what i wish i could tell the world.

i think my first stop might be
the orchards.

have a lovely weekend full of small & simple things
that make life oh so rich.
{oh yes, make sure you listen to some violins this weekend. they'll melt your heart.}

on ballet and bread and how a heart sings

can i tell you how much i am in love with my ballet classes?
i stare at my slippers all week long,
imagine my pointed toes and lifted chin.
how graceful i feel
dancing in time to the piano on the record.
my feet slide and brush,
my heart lifts bright,
my spirit rises.
oh, blessed ballet!

i baked whole wheat goodness this morning.
just in time for warm rolls for lunch.
i coupled these warm morsels with local cheese.
how perfect it all melted with ease in my mouth.
i am falling in love more and more
every day with the little things.
sigh, indeed.

all day i have been listening, and swooning, to violins.
i have noticed that violins are always crying.
they cry tears of joy,
tears of sorrow,
tears of laughter,
tears of awe and wonderment,
tears of loss,
tears of gratitude...
i'm quite in love with my days.
{if only ceej were in town...then it would all be perfect}

i bring you happy news indeed...

i won't make you wait for this news:
i just received my acceptance letter in the mail
to go to Bread Loaf School of English
to pursue a MA in Creative Writing.
Wahoo!!!!

boy, do i feel watched over.
i cried when i opened the letter
{too bad i'm alone in the apartment for 10 days!}
i did get to talk to ceej on the phone to tell
him the great news before he is unreachable via phone.

i've had my days, worrying and doubting.
remember when i first told you about my dreams?
remember how i gushed about an admired professor,
and how i wasn't sure graduate school was for me?
remember my pep-talk-to-self and i told myself to get over it?
oh, and then there was that night when i completely lost it.

oh. my.
here i am.
going to school once more!
thank you for all of your encouragement along the way!!

{by the way, will be spending my first summer here.}

planes and farewells and poesy

this morning cj travels again to the philippines for work.
boo.

last night we had mexican for dinner.
milk and cookies for dessert.
and watched a movie. "bright star."
so sweet. so bitter.

i said my airport goodbyes to ceej and gave him kisses,
and then watched him run away as we were running late.

so. for my morning yoga practice i moved to the words
of john keats.
i listened to the smooth british accent speak of
phoenix wings, saturn's neck, honey wild, faerie stories, and this living hand.
my breath rose and fell.
my arms rose and fell.
my heart opened and stretched.
my breath rose and fell.

"o thou whose face hath felt the winter's wind,
whose eye has seen the snow clouds hung in mist,
and the black-elm tops 'mong the freezing stars,
to thee the spring will be harvest-time.
o thou whose only book has been the light
of supreme darkness which thou feddest on
night after night, when Phoebus was away,
to thee the spring shall be a tripple morn.
o fret not after knowledge--i have none,
and yet my song comes native with the warmth;
o fret not after knowledge--i have none,
and yet the evening listens. he who saddens
at thought of idleness cannot be idle,
and he's awake who thinks himself asleep."
-j keats

hope your day is full of poesy.

my day with celia jane and all she said and did...

mom and i brought grandma to our home to spend a few hours with us. she needs twenty-four hour care these busy days, and spends much of her time at my uncle's house, grandpa too tired himself to give the care he desperately wishes he could give.

this arrangement is not celia jane's first choice, but she is submissive and goes along {a sign of her angelic state according to my mom}. if celia jane could choose she'd choose to spend her days with her only living daughter, my mom.

as soon as she was helped into the passenger seat of the car she flipped down the visor and looked in the mirror--commenting that she did not have enough rouge on--that perhaps grandpa had forgotten it completely. we assured her that her cheeks were perfectly rosy.

then she wanted to clear up the accusations from the others that she supposedly sleeps with her jaw dropped open. she told us simply that grandpa is a liar on this matter.

she is aware and quite annoyed by the knowledge that grandpa and the others will be talking about her while she is gone for the afternoon. so we tell her that we will talk about them. she laughs. but just a little.

she misses her wide picture window at her own home. she misses sitting in her chair and watching the sky change color as the sun passes by {and she'll certainly miss keeping an eye on her neighborhood that over the years has become more criminal}.

her appetite is completely gone, and she talks most about this change. she doesn't even want cookies--this coming from a woman who always has a three-foot stack of cadbury chocolate bars in her closet and has rootbeer for breakfast. indeed, her appetite is gone.

when she does get a chance to be in her own home, she tells us that she slowly walks through each room, reminiscing: babies, kids, teenagers, farewells and welcome-homes, grandkids, birthdays, holidays, cooking, dinner, baths, homework, music lessons, dancing. we assure her that her house won't be sold any time soon. she still has time.

she's lost something, and she is deeply concerned: her tap-shoes are missing. whenever grandpa left the house she would turn on her music and dance around the house--freedom!

she's anxious that she'll have to get rid of many of her few belongings when they leave the house forever: her favorite blouses and blazers, hot pink shoes, and clip-on earrings. we tell her she can keep whatever she wants to, and she can pass on her rose dishes to granddaughters for safe-keeping and cherishing.

the drive is over. we're at our home. she is nervous about the two steps up to the door--shuffling her feet inch by inch and grabbing my arm tighter and tighter. this is a huge task. stupid stairs. after a couple of minutes we make it up the two steps and into the house.

we sit her down on the couch with a pillow behind her back so that the couch will not completely swallow her tiny body up. she wants to keep her coat on. we set a blanket over her and pull the space heater as close as possible.

while i make sugar cookies {heart-shaped} we turn on 8mm family movies for celia jane to remember. mom reminds her who the babies were, and points out celia's daughters who left us all years ago, leaving the earth before we were ready for them to go.

she loves to see everyone laughing. it makes her laugh. this is our families greatest trait: humor. humor is our forte.

we point out old homes and remember holidays long gone.

i walk in front of celia jane on my way to get more ingredients for our cookies. i hear celia jane "whispering" to my mom, "now, who is that again?" that's ann marie. she's visiting from california, remember? "oh. yes. i remember."
does she?
i try not to get discouraged that she has started to forget her grandchildren.

after a bit with the movies, she sits at the kitchen counter for lunch: grilled cheese sandwich, sliced and peeled apples, vanilla snack-pack, and a glass of milk. we hope she'll eat it.

slowly, she takes a bite here and there, telling us again how much she used to like food, but her taste buds are gone. after half an hour she has eaten only half her sandwich, a couple of apple slices, two spoonfuls of pudding, and she drank all of her milk. this is a lot. this is a big deal. she has eaten so much! a triumph. we are all beyond pleased.

she notices i'm wearing her old apron.
she still remembers even small things.

the three of us, three generations, move to the living room where the piano is to sing familiar songs. before we start she remembers to re-apply her pink lipstick that has rubbed off after lunch. then we can sing. grandma sings the melody. i sing harmony while trying to play the piano at the same time. she is patient with my mistakes.

we sing "then sings my soul..." as we do every time.
i can't help but think how this song must be the center of her funeral when we celebrate her simply amazing life.

we sing ten or so songs. it begins to snow, and celia interrupts our singing to wonder at it. "look at that!" her interruptions in awe of the snow are frequent.

it is often observed that as people age, they become like children again. usually we think of the physical care they require, and it's true they lose much control over their tired bodies and need constant care. but, i have noticed that as celia jane ages she is like a child in that she notices small wonders such as snow falling and how the sky changes color and how clouds make interesting shapes.

we sing some more: "then sings my soul..."

then, time to take her back to uncle's. we help her into the car, and she checks the mirror once more.

the clouds of snow have opened up and the sun gives her white hair a heavenly glow. angelic indeed. she notices the changing sky, and the wonder of the sun setting over the snow-covered valley.

coming as soon as i get around to it...

thanks to everyone who volunteered
to be my guinea pigs.
you made it too easy.
really.
thank you!

when i get around to it,
i'll let you all see more...

we browsed the shelves of used books, had a mini theme night in the store, all before we ate some yummy thai food

these two came up to the city from the ranch
to visit us.
so glad they did.

this is one of the best used-book stores
i've ever been in.
it's oozing with literary nerdiness.
it certainly makes a heart giddy.

let's just say that these two were
interested in more than books...
i almost caught their cute little smooch!

i had hoped while in SLC i could
host our 4th annutal zora neale hurston theme night.
but, alas, i was drained of all party-planning energy.
so i sat myself down, and read to myself and aloud
excerpts from mules and men.
love these stories.
so i held my mini theme party right here in the store.
thank you ms. hurston.
thank you friends and ceej for joining me!

manifesto monday: thoughts

leaves, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

just dropped ceej off at the airport. he's headed home back to california. i'm just a few hours behind him. it's cloudy here in salt lake city, but the snow's brightness wrinkles my brow. i'm trying to avoid a headache. so i drink lots of water and try to relax before i take off. it's been a busy few days filled with kind people who were my portrait guinea pigs, and with family that makes me laugh: an entire day with celia jane and a birthday party for sisters. it was a sweet short little visit. i'll have to tell you more about it later.

trying to figure out how to slow down my life in all the right places and how to take off full speed ahead in others. i feel stretched and tired. i feel enlightened and determined. i know this is life. complete rest will never come, nor am i sure i want it to {of course, some days living an uneventful life is quite tempting indeed!}. my idle life will change in just a few months when i'll start working more, and hopefully starting school again. i'm so ready for it all, yet a little sad to see my leisurely life end. a time for everything, yes? how to take full advantage of my flexible schedule now? how to prepare for a busier future?

today i'm just thinking.

my day through almost every lens at every moment. aka: picture overload. enjoy.

it certainly was a lovely day.
full of little things.
flowers. my piano. writing. rain. and scones.

there were no big events. no big ah-ha's.
just the usual.
the usual beautiful things that grace my days.

rain painting on the windows,
running down to the ground outside.

the light in the apartment growing darker or lighter
as the clouds gather and thin.

i just want to add here
that i'm pretty sure the flowers on my piano
can feel its pretty melodies
even when it is quiet.
i think they like each other.
i could look at this couple all day.

barely squeezed in some writing.
but did enough.
i did my "morning pages", for those of you
who know about morning pages.

and didn't i tell you i would make scones?
well here they are.
almond scones.
recipe to come soon...

a good day indeed.
and i need to add that it is
sister no. 2's {of 4} birthday today.
i think she'd like these photos completely.
she taught me to ski. to bake bread. to play the piano. to live.

no more posting this week.
i'll be busy. busy. busy.

see you next week.
hope your days are simple and lovely!

this was probably my favorite day of skiing yet!

ceej took me up a mountain with two others.
i told myself i'd go as far as my legs and heart would take me...
and they took me to the top,
where i saw the expanse of mountains here
and lake tahoe.
beautiful.

not many pictures of the "skin" up,
we were working too hard on a trail
that was ice.
luckily the downhill was a totally different story.
perfect, untouched powder.

powder is my friend because it slows me down,
which is a good thing because i'm sort of a
tree magnet!
no hurt heads this day.

ceej was good to take all the photos.
i need to buy some gloves that will enable
me to work the camera.
i couldn't risk cold hands.
next time we'll feature cj's mad skills!

today...

...is going to be a great day.

not that anything big is going to happen,

but lots of little things.

i'm going to drive ceej to work:

this rarely happens as he prefers his 2-wheeler,

but it is raining crazy and blowing every direction out there...

plus he's late!

with all this wind and rain

i'm going to roll down the windows while chauffering my husband this morning

to rosy my cheeks and clear out the lungs.

today i will write my heart out right onto the page,

make fresh scones with my favorite spicy tea,

sketch out a project or two,

photograph it all,

and take deep breaths of gratitude.

here comes the day!

manifesto monday: standing

American river grass & red wellies, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i have a feeling that i didn't get much done today. but i did. funny how that happens. i didn't get around to everything. there was absolutely no writing done today {except for right here, right now}, there was no progress made on photo projects i'm working on, there was no listening to the news, there was no knitting. i thought and thought. i thought about all my plans. i have lots of plans. but i feel as if i'm in a standing place at the moment. i'm not moving forward yet. maybe i'm swaying a little with some movement. this standing stage is interesting. i tell myself "at least i'm not running away." i'm standing. looking down at my toes, and up at the skies. i'm here with myself and the sky is the limit. i'm waiting. trying to be patient with myself. saying gratefuls for this slow time in my life right now. i'm standing. i'm firm, though i sway a bit. this i believe.

tomorrow i'll write more. i'll photograph more.

because i rested today.

oh, thank you!

Trees by the American River Sacramento, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

whoa! thank you everyone who was oh so willing to help me out. i'm so grateful to all of you. you know how much i love photographing trees, the ocean, and us...but i need to learn how to photograph the rest of your beautiful faces and fine-tune my style.

have a picture-perfect weekend!

{p.s. happy birthday to my sister! favorite things we did this past year: visited grandma & grandpa an innumberable amount of times, saw this movie together--changed my life, and went out to get cupcakes a few times. you're the best!}

if you live in salt lake city, i need your help...

Ann spring 2009, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i will be in salt lake city january 20th-25th. i need to practice photographing people. so if you want a

family photo,
portraits of you and your kids,
engagement photos,
or a love shoot...

i will do it for FREE.
{what a great little valentine you can give to your loved ones, yes?}
you rub my back and i'll rub yours.
if you are interested please email me at

lady.of.lorien9@gmail.com

and please spread the word!!

I'm totally booked!!! Thanks for all your support.

I'll be doing this again. One more time. Hopefully in March.

So stay tuned!

{photo of me doing what i love taken by the amazing cj whittaker}

the great thing about film is sometimes it pays to be lazy...for instance, developing film that you exposed 3 years ago makes a happy surprise

three years ago our lil' group
spent the day at the bird refuge
and the spiral jetty.
before everyone had to grow up
and move away...

chris: working on a PhD in pittsburgh.
smarty-pants.
has had a hardcore activist experience.
can't keep the girls away.
can play the charango

biff: plays the guitar like nobody's business...
unless you want to listen to him,
then it's your business.
he sails the high seas.
where he listeth, no one knoweth,
except for us.

ash: saving the world in northern california.

mo: living on a ranch in spring city.
making art.
hosting square dancing parties.

philipe: building airplanes in southern california.
most likely making the girls swoon
with his guitar/song-writing skills.
as always.

me: writing, photographing, teaching yoga, and singing in california.
married to my dreamboat.

miss you all.
can we still start a band?
we've got the photos for our first album right here.