what we've been up to...

we've been spending all of our time

with family, friends, snow, and mountains.

it's been a good week indeed.

this is one of my favorite places to go skiing:

beautiful aspens that guard us from avalanche

and easy slopes filled with powder.

perfect.

{by the way, that's me in the red coat in the back}

of course, ceej couldn't be happier in any other place.
if it were up to him we'd live somewhere where winter
lasted all year long.

the good news is is that i didn't fall as much as i expected,

but i did have a few little topples.

today we are off to this ranch

to bring in the new year with friends.

ceej and i are coming late...

everyone else has been partying since tuesday night

with square dancing, etc.

tonight is the music extravaganza.

can't wait to share the details with you next week.

happy new year!

happy christmas!

really do hope your day is merry and bright...

we're finally here in utah where
our christmas will be white.
couldn't be more giddy about it!

happy christmas to all of you!

thanks for reading,

and thanks for taking time to comment-

it means oh so much to me.

have a magical holiday!

see you next week.

six years ago...

i married this guy.

lucky me.

it's been perfect:

lots of ups and downs,

learning about each other

and ourselves.

i've never laughed so hard

or cried so hard.

yes, we have a perfect marriage

because it encompasses all,

the good and the bad,

and we're still together

loving each other more and more.

lucky me.

marriage has been everything i hoped for

and more.

happy anniversary ceej!

we have our very own soup nazi in town...except for he's very nice and the food is better than anything else in the city

ceej introduced me to a gem in our city.
la bonne soup cafe.
it's french.

it's only open for lunch
and the line is always
out the door.

here's the one man show.
he takes your order:
the conversation is simple
"what would you like, madame?"
"i'd like such and such."
then you just watch as he quickly
puts your meal together.
"anything else, madame?"
"yes, please. a bowl of french onion soup."
he clanks spoons and lids as he
dishes up soup on top of bread bits
and sprinkles knife-grated cheese on top.
he moves to the cash register,
tells you how much you owe
{you tip extra because he works so hard}

voila!

thank goodness for slow food.

'tis the season: at celia jane's {part two}

christmas morning:

dolls, dolls, dolls!

oh, the excitement!

entranced by the train

going round and round,

wrapping paper ripped open and forgotten.

this photo is a few years later...
now there are boys in the family.
don't you just love their serious faces?!


then comes that silent moment after the craziness of gift-opening
when everyone is lost in their new toys.
{notice superman playing with his new farm!}


then the cousins come over,
and the excitement continues...

and here comes the little drummer boy.

thank you celia jane for such a wonderful legacy!

on the darkest day of the year...

on this day, the darkest of the year,
i celebrate
my new fire
that has been stoked by your kindness
and by that something that is intangible by
everything but the heart.
indeed, i feel most alive when it is dark and cold.
my entire being perks up
with a warmth and a goodness that is
oh so specific.
here's to our new fire.

manifesto monday: fire

trees by the river, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i've been wondering when i will finally get mad. i want to know how a person says "forget everything that's ever happened, or hasn't happened for that matter...i'm going to do whatever i want to no matter how poor i am, no matter what other people say." where does that fire come from? when will i get so angry at this world that tells me i have to score certain points, know certain facts, or find a nice clean-cut label for myself? i think i'm getting close to something on the brink of anger. but i need something more than a chip on my shoulder. i need that fire that is seen deep inside the eyes, and felt with every breath. i need to throw away books that tell me what and how to write to get published here or there. i need to get rid of my attitude that people only want what so-and-so does. i think i'm getting quite tired indeed of worrying about being labeled "emotional" or "too nice"--plus, there's actually quite a dark and mysterious side to me that i don't think i've even allowed to come out because i've been too worried about the oh so typical responses i have assumed will come my way. and maybe they will. who cares? i'm beginning not to care.

i am feeling that i am getting tired of coming up with "plan b's" and following them rather than pursuing "plan a" which is what i want to do in the first place. if i puruse plan b of course that's where i'll end up rather than doing what i always wanted to do. so here's the hard part: what is it exactly that i want to do?

write. write what? short stories. children's books. poems. essays about life, about politics, about what i think about the world and its beauties and ugliness.

i want to take pictures. i want to create images that are both beautiful and terrible at once. i want to tell stories of people and the earth. i want people to see what is so beautiful and to see the beauty in something that is frightening.

i want to sing songs. songs that have that fire in them. a fire that makes you want to hit the "repeat" button over and over again. songs that are that wonderful balance of simple but grand.

i want to travel and meet people. meeting people. that's a hard one. i'm quite awkward and prefer to watch and listen. i wouldn't ever be good at that interviewing thing. i'd call you up and say "may i please come stay with you for a week and just sit by you and watch what details make up your beautiful, yet simple life?" "may i listen to the conversations you have with your neighbors, with your sister on the phone, or those conversations you have with your heart?" i don't want to ask one question. i just want to write it all down and take lots and lots of photos. because i think you're a fascinating person for one reason: you do what you love even on the days that you hate it, and wish you would have done something else until you have that moment again where you realize how lucky you are to do what you love.

so how do i do it? how do i throw myself into the fire? let go. let go. let go and fly into the failure and the success full speed ahead with eyes that show a heart and see it all. i can't get this well-known quote out of my head:

"i set myself on fire and people come to watch me burn" -john wesley

so here i set myself on fire--which can be a painful thing that people call you crazy for doing, but they watch you anyway in awe. i've been watching all of you do what you love--watching your fire and i'm going to do that for myself--even though i'm sure to cry, yell, sulk, doubt along the way. here's to setting myself on fire. here's to doing it all: writing, photography, song writing and performing (did i say that out loud?! yes i want to perform for small little groups now and then). i set myself on fire, and i'm going to run in the direction of my dreams rather than away from them.

{please remind me of this post when i begin to sulk and pout. please.}

{and, happy winter solstice!}

have an enchanted weekend...

via here via here

second try: on my mind...

i've been obsessed with these and this.

i admit it, i'm a bit nervous about acceptance to here and here.

i can hardly wait to do this and this over our christmas holiday.

i've been thinking about the realities written here and these realities as well.

i've been wondering how to get a job doing this or that.

i've been coveting this and this.

i've been wanting to live in a place like this where i can do more of this, or in a place like this where i can do more of this and this.

i've been very happy with this , this and this.

{oh yes, and i've been wanting to start doing this again.}

'tis the season: deck the halls {part four}

i finally got around to buying our lil' tree just this
last monday.
i'm pretty picky when it comes to trees:
it absolutely has to be a
'charlie brown' tree.
small, sparse, and crooked.
last year we had no tree because i was so very
sick and tired of the 'perfect parking lot' tree.

what do you think about our lil' tree?

there's nothing cozier than our christmas tree
lit up in the window while we sip
peppermint milkshakes {my new obsession},
listen to boris karloff tell us
how the grinch stole christmas
{and then how he gives it back of course},
all while we cuddle on the couch in the
softest blanket on earth.

on my mind...

American River_fall/winter, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

started writing a link-filled post. then got tired looking for all the right links. then realized what time i was wasting. now just blogging off the top of my head because i really just wanted to post this photo. the sun is out after days of rain with more rain in the forecast. how about a little later today i'll *maybe* post that link-ified post i had in mind. *maybe*

'tis the season: at celia jane's {part one}

this is christmas eve circa 1950.

aunt connie on the left, my dear mother, dianne, on the right.

singing christmas carols on christmas eve.

aren't they so cute?!

grandpa newel always has a train around the tree.

the sight of it going round and round the presents

warms my heart.

{notice their tv...first one in the neighborhood, right mom?}

don't you love my mom's blue eyes?

we kids were lucky and inherited them.

it's the first thing anyone ever compliments me on.

i immediately tell them they are my mother's eyes.

{and those curtains! amazing!}

oh, the lovely celia jane!

red shoes, red lipstick, red nails all the time.

connie, baby margie, celia jane, and dianne.

the three sisters.

my mom is the only living sister.

it's really so sad that her sisters left us

at such young ages

{connie was in her 50's and margie was in her 30's}

i thought it was quite fun to see some

of the gifts they were given that year.

love the stockings hanging on the door

bulging with an orange at the bottom.

more vintage christmas photos to come in the next week!

hope you love them as much as i do!

'tis the season: deck the halls {part three}

my favorite decorations are the ones
i made myself.
isn't that always the case?

i remember reading this book about centenarians,
people who are 100+ years old.
good people.
this book inspired me.
one part, though simple and passes in the blink of an eye,
is about how mona breckner remembered
making christmas decorations: "paper chains and things."
it made an impression on me.
i wanted to make my own decorations rather
than buy empty plastic trinkets from a store
that i would throw away when they were no longer
cute.
if i made it, it will always be meaningful...

"remember that one year i finally found a use for
that old music book we bought at that thrift store?"

"remember how i traced each bird, and cut it all out by hand?"

these are my christmas peace doves.
they remind me of
forgiveness and empathy.

love my doves
{and the twinkle lights too!}

thank you!

received this little package in the mail yesterday...
so cute!
made by my dear friend, sarah.
not only can she sew,
but she's a serious rockstar
{you really ought to check out her music}
and she's a loving mother.

love you, sarah!

manifesto monday: metaphors

tree branches_fall leaves, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

celebrations for winter holidays usually have some kind of metaphor that embraces a bright moment in the "dead" of winter. for example, the winter solstice is the darkest day of the year, but each day following the solstice grows brighter.
growing up in a place where most plants hibernate and grass is covered in layers of snow, it is odd for me to be in a place where this does not happen. here, in california, winter means that everything, except for certain trees, turns an emerald green. the grasses that were scorched dry during our extreme summer heat are nourished and come to life.
this has changed my winter metaphor...or at least it has broadened it: winter brings moisture which the earth drinks up and stores for tougher times ahead. it is a time to prepare, to slow down, and to soak it all in, bringing life. this i believe.

busy weekend...

picnic at the park with cj, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

usually the weekend is happily anticipated because it means time to relax, or check things off the fun-things-to-do list. this weekend is a mix for me: i have lots of "have-to's" and a little bit of "can't-wait-for's". it's going to be busy. wishing the only thing on my list was a picnic in the park...

have a relaxing weekend!