in and out

i've got a lot to do these days. so my blogging won't be as consistent as it usually is for a bit. sorry. i've just got so much to do. all very good things. i'll try to stop by as often as i can, and show you photos that i've been taking.

loves.

happy thanksgiving!

thanksgiving, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

we are leaving early in the morning to visit family.

can't wait!

i love,love, love this photo
{some of you may remember it from last year!}
it is of my mom's thanksgiving when she was a little girl.
that's her in the lower left corner.
celia jane is right behind her.
and annie is in the far right lower corner.

i am oh so very grateful for everyone in my life.
all of you make my life so rich.

happy thanksgiving!
{i'll be back here next week}

listing gratitude {part ten}

listing gratitude collage, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

..........
am grateful for the warmth
of storm clouds
..........
am grateful for the revival
of farming, and growing our own
food, taking care of our animals
..........
am grateful for memories of afternoons
spent on a lake in a boat
..........
am so very grateful for beautiful mountains
and lovely meadows that calm the soul
................................................

listing gratitude {part nine}

listing-gratitude, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

..........
am grateful for fun diy projects
that make everyday things
just a little bit prettier
..........
am thankful for the cold season ahead
so i can go with bundled-up walks
with ceej
..........
am grateful for sweet treats and whole milk
.........
am oh so grateful for a drive across
the nevada desert that we have
ahead of us
............................................

saturday morning tea

saturday morning tea, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

wishing it was saturday again so we could be lazy and slow

manifesto monday: gifts

orchard (Davis), originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

one song loyally pops up in my head every november, without listening to it on any set of speakers. it just shows up. and it runs and runs through my mind during the holiday season. i remember hearing this song often growing up. i loved it then. and i love it even more now.

tis the gift to be simple, tis the gift to be free
tis the gift to come down where we ought to be
and when we find ourselves in the place just right
twill be in the valley of love and delight

when true simplicity is gained
to bow and to bend, we shan't be ashamed
to turn, turn will be our delight
till by turning, turning we come round right.

this, i believe.

are these photos bigger?!

apples, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i think i finally figured this out...maybe.

thanks for putting up with my experimentation.

i really do love all of your visits.

hopefully the photos will look better up close.

happy weekend. again.

testing...

apples, originally uploaded by Ann Marie Whittaker.

i'm trying out this flickr stuff...we'll see how it works

not much to say today

...though i am thinking and feeling much.
all sorts of things:
happy, frustrated, excited, nervous, etc
can't wait for a weekend to sigh and
to mosey.

have a unwinding weekend!

sneak peek: for the neighbors

i know it's too early to be discussing you-know-what
that happens next month,
but
every year i wait until the last minute to put
together some treats for the neighbors,
and i end up not passing them out because
i'm not happy with the result.
so this year,
i'm trying some things out to see
what i like best
so i don't have to consume the
treats all alone that were meant for the neighbors.

have you even started thinking about the big day?
other than my little experiment,
i'm not.
i'm excited for the other big day
that's just around the corner.
yippee!

listing gratitude {part eight}

..........
am grateful for small towns
by the sea
where everyone owns a small boat
..........
am grateful for the movement of birds
and how it reminds me how
amazing this world is
..........
am grateful for weekend picnics
by the ocean full of
lounging, snacking, and writing
..........
am so very grateful for the graflex
and how it has made me slow down
and become a more deliberate photographer
................................................

running, running, busy, busy!

i have been oh so so busy today...

haven't been this busy since i've adopted a

"how to be idle" way of life back in the spring.

i was so busy i had to eat dinner standing up!

{lucky me this song came on as i was eating...

is it healthy to dance and eat at the same time?}

hopefully tomorrow will give me more time

in between "to-do's" to breathe and be idle!

{photo by cj and me. october 2009}

listing gratitude {part seven}

..........
am grateful for trees covered
in moss in forests
that are surely enchanted
..........
fresh flowers on my
window sill that
make the house oh so pretty
..........
am thankful for lone trees
on lonely paths
near the sea
.........
am grateful for dried up flowers,
their seeds ready to
blow with the wind
looking for a new home
.......................................................

just wanted to say...

i'm so lucky to be in love!

listing gratitude {part six}

..........
am grateful that spring
brings blossoms
and pretty dresses
..........
am grateful for the
golds and blues
of the heat of summer
..........
am grateful for the coolness
of fall that brings
about harvest
..........
am grateful for winter's
snow and chill air
that slows us down
and brings us inside with family
...................................................

manifesto monday: playing for balance

if you haven't noticed,
i can be quite serious.
too serious...especially on this blog!
honestly,
seriousness can be quite addicting.
wouldn't you say so?

luckily for me ceej and i watched
this tribute for this comedian on pbs's website.
oh, how i needed a good laugh!
oh, how i needed to be reminded to play!
i laughed and laughed...
which livened me up quite a bit.

can it ever be said too much that laughter
is the best medicine?
i would add that a glass of playtime
every day is also quite helpful!

this i believe.

buon weekend!

have a busy weekend scheduled:
off to visit neighbors to check in,
going to a meeting here, about this,
going on a date with ceej {hopefully!},
hosting family from nyc,
cooking, cleaning, making, doing, etc.

hoping that i can squeeze in
a little practice.
working on this piece.

have a musical weekend!

listing gratitude {part five}

..........
am thankful for the color of
a fallen leaf.
there is glory in falling, yes?
..........
am thankful for all the
lovely lights in my life
that guide me,
and keep me safe
..........
am so very grateful for
cozy homes with character
and fireplaces
..........
am so thankful for seeds
that are planted
.................................................

!birthday treats!

ceej turns the big 3-0 today...
and since we are far from family & friends
i'm trying to make it at least feel like a BIG party.

i sent ceej to work with a tray full of chocolate/whipped cream cupcakes,
and surprised him with treats for the day:
locally brewed rootbeer
{ceej is a rootbeer connoisseur}
and his dream paper staws!
milk chocolate bar from here
and assorted chocolates from here

so, we'll basically be sugared out by the end of the day.

h a p p y b i r t h d a y !

happy, happy birthday ceej!

just when i think he couldn't be any more perfect,
he goes and shows me he's even better.
everyday.
he's constantly surprising me
with his thoughtfulness...
often he knows me better than i know myself.

in a few words, here's why i love this guy:

.spontaneous.hilarious.generous.brilliant.
.kind.thoughtful.sincere.genuine.
.handy.creative.humble.believes.supports.
.environmentalist.humanist.

etc.etc.

love you, c.

xoxo.

because this is pretty

just because

it was made to be so good to us.

because it is there.

and i am here.

listing gratitude {part four}

..........
am grateful indeed to be a granddaughter
of celia jane
who knows how to live
a simply beautiful life.
..........
am so thankful to have farming
in my blood.
a strong heritage.
..........
am grateful for
mary, eliza jane, and rhoda...
their eyes alone tell me
they were great women.
..........
am thankful to belong
in a line of women
who know who they are.
...................................................

homemade is always better

she makes it every fall.
the grapes come from the yard,
and grandpa's vines too.

the house fills with that
sweet fragrance
and soaks into the furniture,
and wraps years of memories
into one moment.

yesterday i finally opened up
a bottle my mom gave us
two years ago.
no sweetening necessary.

thank you, mom,
for such a rich and yummy
tradition.

listing gratitude {part three}

..........
am grateful for living trees
that give us breath
and brave the storms that come
..........
am grateful for the earth
that feeds us
and supports us
..........
am grateful for water
that sustains us
and refreshes us
..........
am grateful for a loyal friend
who took a photo of
my beloved boots
that have kept my feet dry
all these years
..............................................

playing...

i think i would just add a pen and a pad of paper
to this photo...
then it would have everything i ever needed.

{photo by me. august 2009}

listing gratitude {part two}

..........
am thankful for warm, spicy drinks
to drink on dark, cold nights
..........
am thankful for a cuckoo clock
that is staying in the family
..........
am thankful for yummy fruits
covered in homemade caramel
with twigs to enable eating
..........
am thankful for ceej who makes
me laugh, and makes me feel
like i'm the most wonderful person
in the world

.......................................

listing gratitude {part one}

ah, the magic of gratitude.
don't you crave it?
am grateful it's that time of year
to really count all those beautiful blessings
that never cease.

i'm going to be posting now and then
the ways i am listing my gratitude.
i'd love if you joined in,
since i'm sure you've already started your own list.

.................

{part one}
the gratitude post-it corner.
above my desk.
where i can add to it constantly as
i work.

manifesto monday: deep breath

i began again this morning,

and i took a deep breath.

my breath said

"i am that."

this i believe.

{photo taken by me. october 2009}

thank you, thank you for letting me have a blue day!!

you've all been so wonderful!
thanks for your kind comments and emails...
it helps oh so much to know i'm not alone.
perhaps this is why we blog, yes?

yesterday i sat in my bad mood.
today i'm ready to go again,
with more umph than before.
i once knew someone who had a family rule:
"be happy."
i hope i never have to be forced to follow that one...
i need a blue day now and again.
it makes me look at things closer,
and motivates me to get moving!
thanks for not forcing me to "be happy."

today i am once again thankful for ms. lamott:
"all good writers write {crappy first drafts}...people tend to look at successful writers, writers who are getting their books published and maybe even doing well financially, and think that they sit down at their desks every morning feeling like a million dollars, feeling great about who they are and how much talent they have and what a great story they have to tell; that they take in a few deep breaths, push back their sleeves, roll their necks a few times to get all the cricks out, and dive in, typing fully formed passages as fast as a court reporter. but this is just the fantasy of the uninitiated. i know some very great writers, writers you love who write beautifully and have made a great deal of money, and not one of them sits down routinely feeling wildly enthusiastic and confidant. not one of them writes elegant first drafts. all right, one of them does, but we do not like her very much."

i admit it.
misery loves company.
it's nice to know i'm not the only one struggling.
it's just nice to know we're all human...
we're all breakable.

oh, and what a big thank you i owe ceej...
he loves me even when i'm pathetic
and childish.
he took me for a walk today.
it was quite healing, really.

{can you tell the difference in my new hair color?}
{do you like our panoramic polaroid?}

love you all, dear friends!

i think we are all allowed a late night post now and then...read on if you want to see what happens to my heart and mind at three a.m.

first of all, i shouldn't have taken an afternoon nap.

it was a good idea at the time...but here i am.

not exactly where i hoped to be.

i've been having one of those mini breakdowns,

a bit of the blues.

i kind of knew it would come...so did i do this to myself?

probably.

this is usually how my breakdowns come about:

start thinking of what a numb & clueless adolescent i was,

which leads to wishing someone would have smacked me

and told me to follow my dreams,

that it's possible to do what you love and get paid for it.

so i pout. and cry a little.

then feel guilty.

because i know i'm still relatively young...

if all goes well i've still got about 60 years

to make dreams happen.

so what's my problem?

i shouldn't be crying.

guilt. guilt. guilt.

then i have a moment of calm.

right after visiting the salon:

new hair color, brows waxed & dyed...

haven't done this in over a year.

teach a yoga class.

feeling very good.

get home. new hair color not what i really wanted.

brows are good though.

a bit of the blues starts to creep in.

want to go shopping to buy red lipstick

and a pretty t-shirt.

but spent my extra cash at the salon.

boo.

later, my good husband takes me to get hot cocoa...the spicy kind.

i get mine with homemade marshmallows.

he gets whipped cream & a chocolate chip cookie to dip in his cocoa.

we sip in silence at the chocolatrie.

somehow i can always make sweet things awkward.

we come home.

i wash my face,

look over my hair color again.

trying to convince myself that i like it.

brush my teeth.

clumsily get into pajamas.

can't think of anything else to do but go to sleep...

even though my good husband offers to watch an old b&w film with me.

i sleep for three hours.

then wake. wide.

do a little online window shopping.

drink some whole milk...hoping this will calm my mind.

still awake.

thinking of all the things i could make to sell...

but need some capital to start.

feel bad that i can't seem to come up with cash

for a little photo workshop

{probably because i spent it at the salon today...is hair worth it?}

still thinking of all the things i want to make.

thinking of how to get accepted into graduate programs.

thinking of how to learn more about photography, sewing, dance,

music, singing...all on my own, on a budget.

not looking for pity.

just really needing to be open and honest...

perhaps this post will come down later.

perhaps i will let it stay in all its

embarassing glory.

but, for now, i've got to figure out how

to sleep.

{photo by me. october 2009}

.....

thank you dearly and truly for kind words.

feeling better already after some sleep.

have a brave weekend!

{photo by me. november 2009}

the proof:

remember my little story about bringing in

piles and piles of wood during cold winter nights?

well, here's the proof!

all that wood, sitting there.

don't you find this a bit humurous?

i do.

sometimes i hate hard things

just when i thought i was warming up to discomfort,

i'm overwhelmed with the bigness of big dreams...

fears, laziness, & excuses hurry to the surface of my heart.

so i give myself a talking to:

step by step

choosing the hard way means learning and growing

becoming a bigger person with a bigger heart.

breathe.

sing.

dance.

have some soup, & sleep on it.

hush fears, hush.

{photo by me. october 2009}

kicking up leaves

my mom goes on a morning walk everyday through

her mountain neighborhood

{well, she doesn't live right on the mountain...but you can walk to the mountain in 20 minutes}

i joined her a couple times during my visit.

we talked about learning how to read,

i mean really read...

how to study, how to put ideas together...

it all takes time, but we must do it.

i learned a lot from these conversations,

but the best lesson i got from my mom was as we turned a corner

onto the path that takes us back home

we came upon thousands of leaves

at which point my mom interupted the conversation to say:

"you've got to kick the leaves up"

i loved this.

a simple pleasure...

just like you would do if you were still a little girl.

so let me suggest we take time

to make ourselves smile and laugh

by doing small and simple things.

{photo by me. november 2009}

my dream book:

while in salt lake city,

i stopped by my favorite book store.

i browsed and browsed to my heart's content...

and i found this lovely treasure of a book.

don't you think it's the perfect book for me?

i've read the first few pages,

and i can hardly wait to consume this book

over and over again.

will be sharing excerpts with you for sure.

this old house...

my family moved in.

one year later i came along.

we never moved again...

one home for my entire childhood.

it won't be long now...

we'll be saying goodbye to this place

soon, but who knows really...

will be bitter sweet when it goes.

{photos by me. november 2009}

my boy is back in town...and he showed me this:

Home - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

EDWARD SHARPE & THE MAGNETIC ZEROS | MySpace Video

don't you just love it?!

and...

maybe we went to see this movie last night...

again.

we went deep into our hearts and souls...and deep into our stomachs too!

lunch with girls is the best thing ever invented.
wouldn't you agree?
we ate pizza made by a certified italian,
and spilled souls.

are we happy to be getting older?
yes.
we're getting to know our own hearts,
and enjoying the relative wisdom that comes with age.
we're more patient, kinder, courageous, and deliberate.
yet, somehow, gratefully, we are at the same time
still young at heart...
dreaming and doing.

aren't holly jo, mary, and mo
just so cute?!
i could eat them up for sure.

this is sarah and i.
we met our first week of college,
and have been dear friends ever since...
i'm glad she has a heart big enough to hold
onto such a friendship though we have not lived
in the same city for nine years!

we took a little time at the park so i could give
sarah some photo tips...the little that i know!
and, of course, we ended up talking in the car for
about 2 hours!
love these moments.

we talked about the uncomfortable paradoxes
that come from what we believe.
i revealed my sense that i feel deeply that
we are all the same,
and that brings me a great sense of awe.
sarah: a desire to quit apologizing for herself...
something i could definitely improve upon...
confidence and joy in who i am
and what i believe...
loving everyone more deeply and real.

thank you, dear women, for heartful conversations.

xo.

{photos by me and mary, holly, or mo? i can't remember who took the pola of sarah and i...sorry! october 2009}

it's all pretty now

is it wise to admit to being a dreamer?
of course, you already know i love to dream.
but that hasn't always been the case...

once upon a time dreams were scary,
because they were so pretty and wondrous...
how could a little girl like me ever expect
it all to come true?

certainly there is disappointment in this life,
and the possibility of failure scared me even more than
the beauty and wonder.

then one day i woke.
isn't it all so beautiful?
the dreams and the failure...

you can't lose.

dream big dreams, and dream them little too...
because the little dreams are just as big,
and the failure is just as pretty as the dream.

{photo by me. november 2009}

manifesto monday: came home, now going home

tuesday i talked with my 3-year-old nephew.

wednesday i listened happily to newel and celia jane,

grandpa and grandma.

thursday i went deep with my lovely girlfriends,

and attended a bunny funeral

{more on this later...it was sweet}.

friday i entertained my niece and nephews.

saturday i played with my sister.

sunday was spent entirely with family once again.

i am filled.

i am happy.

i am tired.

i am ready for home,

and for ceej to come home.

rest will complete my vacation.

this i believe.

{photo by me. october 2009}

{i am flying back to california monday morning. ceej finally comes home tuesday. can't wait!}

pretty dang awesome

saw this movie with my sister today. amazing. want to dance. want to sing. want to rock.