manifesto monday: still

yesterday afternoon i sat on my bed and looked out the window to watch the wind. i rarely look out my bedroom window...usually the blinds stay closed because, for some unknown reason, i am paranoid that someone will see me from outside. i don't know why i am somewhat comfortable with people seeing me in my living room or in my kitchen...but i'm nervous about them seeing me in my bedroom...
but yesterday i had a bit of courage. because i wanted to watch the wind blow the trees. the wind makes the trees do strange things. it blows the branches and its leafy appendages all in one direction on a strong exhale, but then quickly takes a giant inhale sending the branches blowing in all directions, making it impossible to tell which way the wind is blowing. i wondered at how i had never noticed this before...i always assumed the wind blew in one direction, and everything in its path would follow that direction. but with the simple rhythm of inhaling and exhaling the wind sends everything in all directions at once.
i noticed all this movement when i was sitting. still. i noticed that i was quite content with watching the effects of this invisible element. there was indeed a dance going on. i could see only one of the dancers...the other i will never see. but i can feel it. i can feel it dance and spiral around me. if i just stay still. this i believe.

at the still point of the turning world.
neither flesh nor fleshless.
neither from nor towards,
at the still point,
there the dance is.
where past and future are gathered.
neither movement from nor towards,
neither ascent nor decline.
except for the point, the still point.
-t.s. eliot

photo by me. inverness, august 2009.

been thinking about sisters lately...

this is my aunt connie with my mom

eating breakfast at the home that my grandparents still live in.

connie, margie, dianne.

seems like they were inseparable for a time.

i could look at these photos all day.


couldn't you?

been thinking of sisters. my mom had two: both deceased now...left us all at a relatively young age. i have three sisters. all older than me. i've always watched them from afar. there are days when i feel i missed out on playing house and imagining all sorts of things with them...but, at the same time i got to watch them accomplish so much. they are all brilliant, beautiful, and kind. the kind of woman you hope you turn out to be some day. so, i'm still watching from afar, impressed with how they deal with life and what it has given them. they're strong. they're positive. will be thinking of sisters the rest of the weekend...

doing my homework...

so remember how i was signing up for some classes?
writing and drawing?
well, i went to my first day of school on monday...
and after a quick visit to campus
i decided to drop those classes...
the students there didn't seem very interested in, well, school.

so i've created my own writing course.
i do my homework every day.
cj is my drawing teacher.
and i do my homework every day.

hip, hip for home school!

photos of my homework by me. august 2009.

i really enjoy {cloudy} california...our little day trip to inverness & point reyes

couldn't have been happier this past weekend...
i went searching for gloomy weather,
and that's exactly what we ran into.
fog.
so very still, yet moody at the same time.

have you ever visited inverness?
it's a very small little town...
we usually drive right trough it {25 mph},
but this time we had a little extra cash
so we stopped by to get a treat...
so glad we did.

don't these lights look like they've seen some great weather?

i love driving by this "launch for hire" little pier.
i think that whoever has that job/life has it pretty good.
i wonder what they think of all us tourists:
wasting away our lives at jobs so we can have stuff.
we're working on breaking that cycle...
we want the tourists to come visit us someday.

lots of people love to sail and kayak here...
but ceej tells me these waters are known to be full of sharks.
i'll have to think hard about going in here.

ghostly boats.
always so mysterious...
what happened to them,
and why has no one removed them?
i'd like to know their stories.

this is one of my favorite little walks.
it begins in a living, breathing forest {photos to come}
then it opens up to this lovely little area
with a bridge, where the tide ebbs and flows.
it was oh so still here.
we watched a little crab eating for a good ten minutes.
it was so rhythmic about it.

we came to this age-old tree.
cj took some great photos with his graflex...
if only we had a scanner.
i could show you right now,
but you will have to wait.
{trust me, it will be worth it}

here we are.
loving our time away from sacramento.
too bad we can't live out here...
it would be a 2-hour commute each way.
sadly, not worth it.

wouldn't you like to spend a day here?
i'll take you here if you'd like.

i avoid the heat whenever possible...right now, it's not possible unless i shut myself in my apartment all day long. boo.

since it's so blasted hot here
i've taken things into my own hands.
all day i've been listening to music that reminds me of fall:
i even listened to robert frost read some of his poems about
fall & winter.
i've been "window" shopping through catalogs of
tweed, herringbone, wool, and argyle.
{please, please hurry fall!}

i've had a good time pretending today.
tomorrow i will have to face the heat at some point.
but let's not think about it.

photos by me. august 2009

this never gets any easier...

i had to take ceej to the airport today,
he's off to the philippines {again}.
i am quite positive that these work trips he takes
just get harder and harder...
especially when i've been having such a
vague & confusing life lately.
i hope he's safe.
hope our internet works consistenlty so we can chat.

last weekend we went to my favorite california place together.
inverness & point reyes.
so grateful ceej can put up with stormy & foggy weather...
it's my favorite, and i need it every so often
{if not always}

tomorrow i'll show you more photos from our little trip!

happy, happy birthday!

today grandpa newel turns 85 years old.

he has seen many things

and experienced many things.

i imagine when i get to be that age

it will be difficult to believe how quickly it's all gone by.

so grateful for a grandpa who believes.

grateful for a grandpa who is still with us

to tell us how much he loves us.

two weeks ago celia jane turned 85.

she too has seen much in this life.

she's walked the walk.

grateful for a grandma who knows how to laugh.

grateful for a grandma who still wears hot pink shoes.

happy birthday you two!

{by the way, my internet hasn't been so steady...hopefully posting will be regular these next few days. if it's not, please excuse me}

the august wild flowers: how they opened up my throat, and i spoke with two people i love very much...

a couple of weekends ago

we strolled up to catherine's pass.

it's a short little walk,

but we made it last long into the evening.

the three of us:

mo, ceej, and i...

{somehow we all showed up wearing green!}

the conversation:

how to make more art,

how to let go,

how to get a move on,

how to start over,

how to believe.

we went to the pass...

the sun was getting away from us,

and we were a bit late meeting others.

but they were kind about it {phew!}

will never tire of this walk.

will never tire of people i love.

will be thinking of this all week.

photos by ceej and me. august 2009.

manifesto monday: mosey

my grandpa newell loves to be out in the countryside and out in the mountains--he should. because he grew up a farm boy in idaho. he passed on his love of the outdoors to most of his grandkids (a handfull think that being outside in the mountains is "dirty"). grandpa used to take the older kids on campouts to places in southern utah. i was usually too little (at least that's what i am assuming...i really don't know why i didn't go on those campouts). but my turn did eventually come. it finally came about six years ago. down to capitol reef national park.
grandpa told us of pioneers hiding out in the red sandstone, and of trying to farm in a desert land. he told us of how he stopped once to help a farmer mend his fence. he told us who owned every piece of land and how they had come to own it. you could point anywhere, and he'd tell you its story. we listened.
we've also taken grandpa on small hikes up through catherine's pass. he knows the stories of that area too. but usually he tells us of life growing up on a farm in the west. he tells us that, as a young boy, he could barely steer the horses as he tried to plow the fields. he tells us of how his father brought water to sage-brush dirt. he tells us of brutal winters and scorching summers. we listen.
we listen because we move slowly on our hikes. grandpa says that he likes to mosey. and so do i. i like to know about a place, rather than hurry through it. i like to hear the people i'm with tell me about their history and their hearts. no need to get to a panting point. i enjoy the outdoors at a mosey-pace...and i'm glad cj does too. this is when the good conversations happen. this is when the good silences happen. to mosey is to listen, then to know. this i believe.

photo by me. catherine's pass august 2009.

last of the powell photos...for now at least

ceej brought a kayak to explore the little places around the house boat.

it gave him a chance to be in this place with a little more solitude.

on the ski boat.

near sunset.

the ski boat.


the shore.


not much more to say right now.
i've got a busy day ahead of me...
not looking forward to it.


i like idle days, personally.

as promised, more photos of our mythical cabin

hope you think these photos are as lovely as i do.

on my way to a dinner party now...

trying to un-do the curse of being a hermit.

wish me luck!

let me tell you about my cabin...the myth, the legend, the history

this is my paternal family cabin.

this is the side of the family i see least,

but i know more of its history & legend:

lunatics, alcoholics, hidden identities...

this family is full of secrets.

today i'll just tell you a little something about

a place that i am most in love with:

"the green cabin"

generations ago my great-great grandmother

owned thousands and thousands of beautiful land

in north-eastern utah.

it's a story of the west:

her husband died, things got tough,

another man took advantage of her desperate situation,

and bought the land for much less than its value.

the family kept a small fraction of the land.

at least we have that much.

upon that land, my grandfather and other family members

built this cabin.

yes, it's green...and i hope they never change that.

as i grew up, and met cousins in the surrounding cabin

i learned that there were great myths about our cabin:

about murder, ghosts, and scandal.

it scared and intrigued me all at once.

this place is dripping with stories.

just across the dirt road are where cousins keep their horses.

they've always been there.

perhaps this is where i began to dream that heaven is a meadow where i will ride horses all day long.

that shed, above, has always been the source of scary stories for us.

just down the road is another shed of a cabin,

this other one is known as "the bea's nest"...

where crazy aunt bea used to be kept away.

ooh, the stories the family has about her!

the area is surrounded by beautiful lakes and rivers.

hiking to them is a yearly tradition.

i only wish we could spend more time in this amazing landscape.

here is the meadow where, it is joked, that "bambi" was filmed...of course, a cartoon is not "filmed", but i like to think that this is bambi's and his mother's heaven...what a lovely meadow indeed!

(that's me in a blue hat and a blue dress...i guess you could say i like blue!)


everywhere you look there is something fantastical about this place.
i always look at this cabin here, thinking that i'd like to go in someday

oh, the lakes!
the colors, the air, the view!


every afternoon a great storm rolls in...
dark clouds
& lots of thunder.
oh, heart!
when do i get to live here forever?


behind the cabin is a little river...
we spent days and days and days playing in it...
now, i think it is quite a lovely refuge.
seriously, when can i move in permanently?


the best part of all, of course, are the people we get to see here.
ceej loves to rest on the porch...looking at a place that he knew long before he met me {you see, he grew up with cousins of mine, and was visiting the area with them...perhaps we ran into each other when we were younger...i like to think we did}
and here is my nephew. 7-years-old. we talked all the way home from our hike about harry potter. that's what good stories are for: they bring together the old and the young...we talk about love being the greatest of all, not fearing death, etc. what a lovely conversation to have with a 7-year-old.

later this evening i have just a few more photos to share with you.
so please visit again!

the first of the images...

ceej finally got some of his graflex images developed.

now, we just need a scanner that will scan them properly so we can show you more.

this one cj took of me over spring break last march on a beach in marin county. i think ceej is learning how to use that camera quite well.

now it's my turn to learn...wish me luck!

if i lived in new york city...

i first heard emily hope price a few years ago at a friend's bridal shower. then my cousin who lives in nyc told me about this amazing singer/cello player she knows in nyc...it could only be one lovely woman, the same i heard years ago. was happy to think of her again. if i lived in nyc, i'd probably stalk her and go to every show, and beg her to play and sing for me every night. i'm head-over-heels for the cello and a rich voice.

do you like her too?

photo extravaganza: the milky way, epic battles, unexpected journeys, brilliant skies, & inspirational people

our week on a boat in southern utah was perfect.

there are a lot of photos (we took over 700!),

enjoy!

life on a boat for a few days was just what i needed.

it was extra fantastic because we had such wonderful people along.

there was good swimming in awe-some scenery.
luckily, this time no one was bit by any fish!

ceej was beyond happy.

this is his home.

oh yes, tube wars!

i can't believe how epic these battles were.

i can't believe these guys can still walk.

i can't believe they thought this was a good idea

to wrestle each other on tubes moving at high speeds

behind the boat.

this was, by far, the most entertaining part of the entire week.

we were recruited for a "death march."

some of us agreed only because we heard we'd be out

of the heat of the sun...

well, it was quite difficult and i was seriously unprepared:

wearing a skirt and sandles.

next time i'll ask for more beta on the death march.

here i am sitting on the back of the boat...

trying not to let the fishies nibble my toes.

like i said,

we were on the boat with some

people that i have come to really look up to.

they are kind, hard-working, interesting people...

not to mention how beautiful they all are.

here is our attempt at an "awkard family photo."

these two families have been going to lake powell together for

20 years now!

i consider myself completely lucky to now be part of it.

oh, and it rained.

my heart lept up.

could have sat in the rain for days.

it cleans me in and out.

i was most happy to be in such a beautiful place

with beautiful skies and land.

thank you to all who made this trip possible.

i loved sleeping under the milky way every night,

and filling my days with good conversation &

fun activities in a place dear to my heart.

until next year...

photos by ceej and me. lake powell august 2009.