i'm finally having a good hair day and there's no one to even witness this rare event, and i can't even take a picture because ceej has both cameras

this is big. i've got j-crew sexy waves today. it only took me four days of patiently waiting.

two weeks ago i had 8 inches of my "guinevere" hair chopped. i didn't ask for it. i asked for 4 inches off. no more braids wrapped around my head for a while now. but i've discovered my hair is now east coast, jcrew, "i'm a professional grown-up" length. perhaps people will stop guessing that i'm only twenty-years-old.

though my hair length should now make me look more sophisticated, it might actually only work to my advantage once in a blue moon. here's why: i only wash my hair once every 7-8 days (gasp!). i refuse to use a hair-dryer or flat-iron or anything that will blast my hair with scorching heat. this means i wash my hair, put giant rollers in it, stay inside for one day to avoid being seen, take rollers out after 8 hours, put hair in bun for one day, braid hair for two days. after four days of all this i finally have decent hair.

but no one will see it. ceej is out with the boys this weekend climbing mt. Rainier (a bit of a big deal). i just got off the phone with a longtime, dear friend, and felt confident enought to tell her that i now have 0.5 friends in Sacramento (why 0.5? because i'd like to call her my dearest Sacramento friend, but i'm pretty sure that she only thinks of us as acquaintances. so i'm stickin' to 0.5). My point is this:

how does someone who likes to watch bill moyer's journal for entertainment invite the neighbors over for the latest episode?

how does someone who wants to talk about Mother God one second and cupcakes the next second find people to relate to?

how do i convince people that discussion night is really fun?

in need of Sacramento friends. i admit it. we moved here a year ago, but i've only lived here for 6 of those 12 months. i'm quiet--mostly because i don't want to scare people away with my ranting about re-usable toilet paper, real food, government corruption, and preserving wilderness. sigh. what to do? perhaps i'll start bribing people with those delicious cupcakes. "You're invited to the Whittaker's home for an evening of CUPCAKES and we might just watch a documentary called war made easy. Maybe."

for now, i'm just sitting here with my jcrew-perfect hair, drinking a british milkshake and listening to jolie sing "darling ukulele."


photo via j.crew

i'm used to people getting up from the table and walking away when i want to talk about something "serious"

i have friends and family members who roll their eyes when i get passionate about injustices. i have friends and family members who are supportive and great listeners. i am compelled to study and research politics and human rights. it is a dark thing to learn about sometimes. but this i know: that in order to understand the light, we must experience the dark. they are linked. even if we ignore the horrible things that happen in this world, they still affect us...so we might as well look them straight in the face, and do whatever we can to bring light to the dark. a couple things i want to mention that i found interesting in my morning readings:

1) an excerpt from "destructive emotions: how can we overcome them?" a scientific dialogue with the dalai lama. i find this paragraph very interesting...i neither agree nor disagree with it. i'm still grappling with it in my head.

"I think when Kant said that it's one thing to be happy but another thing to be good, he thought first of all that the demands of being a good person are so hard--that there are always temptations. The demands of living a morally good life are such that you might have to sacrifice all the things that would bring you happiness. You might have to give up your life. You might have to ask your children to give up their lives for some important cause.

"Kant went so far as to think that if you performed a moral action because you were emotionally pushed to do it, it had no moral worth. For example, he thought that although the love between parents and children is natural, it has no moral worth--because morality has to involve struggle against the self.

"He [Kant] thought that if there is a kind of happiness you have to give up when you stand by an important moral cause, that is a price you should be willing to pay."

at the moment, i think i believe that being good and being happy are inseparable. but, this is interesting, nonetheless. think about it.

2) am obsessed with piero ferrucci's book, "the power of kindness." your heart and soul will devour this book. will be reading it over and over again. here's an excerpt from the final pages:

[in reference to global problems: hunger, war, injustice, pollution, the waste land] "No one can ignore these difficulties because they touch us every day in many ways. But they are so big that we cannot imagine even scratching their surface by ourselves, except a few exceptional individuals who have the capacity to act and inspire others on a large scale.

Yet each of us can take a stand internally against such disasters--which implies choosing how we want to be. It happens anyway. We have to coexist with these enormous troubles, and we all take some attitude toward them. Perhaps we ignore them to defend ourselves against the anguish they arouse in us. Perhaps we feel guilt. Perhaps we make social and political commitments. Being kind is taking a stand...

Just as important is to realize that microcosm is macrocosm: Each person is the whole world...If we can bring some relief and well-being to just one person's life, this is already a victory, a silent, humble response to the suffering and pain of the planet. This is the starting point."

now,i want to ask you to do something. first, become informed. second, take action. so instead of watching "wife swap" or "super nanny" tonight, take some time to watch some Bill Moyers episodes online. below are the topics and their links.

1) Healthcare--Single Payer. Bill Moyers talks with David Himmelstein, a medical doctor who teaches at Harvard, and Sidney Wolfe, a medical doctor who works for Public Citizen. Interesting to see how Obama supported single payer healthcare as a senator...not any more. interesting, yes? can't resist saying it, Obama is a brand.

2) Learn about consumerism and the fantasy of "green" products. Moyers interviews Daniel Goleman who recently wrote "Ecological Intelligence."

3) Torture. A gruesome topic for sure, but revealing of what goes on behing closed doors in our government. This documentary is incredibly informative and well put together.

take action.

1) tell everyone you know about single payer health care, and be loud about it. AND write your government representatives that you want single payer health care.

2) go to good guide and modify your shopping list accordingly. may i suggest you start by simply cutting your shopping habits in half...do you really need all that stuff?

3) pay attention to what government officials are doing...is it really what the american people want? raise your voice...write letters, talk to neighbors and families. let your representatives know that you are watching them closely and will vote them out if necessary.

though i am used to people walking away from me when i have something i want to really talk about, it doesn't mean i enjoy it.

please leave your comments here about your thoughts after watching some of these clips. and tell us how you took action.

amen, amen, amen

been listening to Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States. this is a MUST READ. i've learned about certain events that he mentions throughout his book in some of my history classes. i think it's a fabulous book for anyone who wants to know our history. it's essential, and it's cheaper than spending thousands of dollars to get a degree in history to get this perspective. below is an excerpt that i thought was especially poignant:

"It is very important for the establishment, that uneasy club of business executives, generals and politicos, to maintain the historic pretention of national unity in which the government represents all the people and the common enemies overseas, not at home, where disasters of economic sole war are unfortunate errors or tragic accidents to be corrected by the members of the same club that brought the disasters. It is important for them also to make sure this artificial unity of highly privileged and slightly privileged is the only unity, that the 99% remained split in countless ways, and turn against one another to vent their angers.

"How skillful to tax the middle class to pay for the relief of the poor, building resentment on top of humiliation.

"How adroit to bus poor black youngsters into poor white neighborhoods in a violent exchange of impoverished schools while the schools of the rich remain untouched and the wealth of the nation, held onto stingily where children need free milk, is drained for billion dollar air-craft carriers.

"How ingenious to meet the demands of blacks and women for equality by giving them small special benefits and setting them in competition with everyone else for jobs made scarce by an irrational, wasteful system.

"How wise to turn the fear and anger of the majority toward a class of criminals bread by economic inequity faster than they can be put away, deflecting attention from the huge thefts of national resources carried out within the law by men in executive offices.

there is much to be done. and it can be done.

image via here.

there is more in the forest than we'll ever know.

we visited south lake tahoe
where we spotted a few fairies,
i think.
mostly we were happy to be outside
among the trees
and the rivers.

cj enjoyed a wee lil' bath
in the chilling river.
he couldn't stop talking about
how fresh he felt
for the rest of the day.
the river is kind like that.

oh, the road.
the west.
so may places to visit
and to know.

we spotted two snakes on this outing.
yikes!
i almost stepped on one...
close call.
my sister has a pet snake named "arthur"
she likes to call us to tell us how he's doing.

so many things are growing,
giving us life.
we couldn't do it without them.

i couldn't get over how lovely
the river was.
the sound, the smell, the icy touch.
it keeps whirling and running.

cj and his trusty graflex caputred some
sweet images.
when we get our new scanner
we'll be sharing his images.

oh yes,
we stopped for lunch.
cj's favorite places to eat are
greasy burger dives.
thank goodness for
veggie burgers!

more life.

here we are,
with the man who rides
his giant bicycle
up the canyon
and the ancient
wisdom of the trees.

i discovered my favorite landscape is a farm near the coast, salty air, rolling hills, and breezy

over the weekend cj and i did a lot of driving
and picture taking.
we started our road trip in marin & sonoma county.
my
favorite.

i love the little towns along the way.
though we've done this drive now more than
three times,
i'm still finding new things that
i love, love, love.

can't wait for ceej and i to have our farm.
if life is about working hard,
then i'd rather work hard on a farm
than work hard at a desk.

where there are cows,
there is barbed wire
and there are birds!

one of these days i'll stop by one of these farmer's doors
and ask them
a bazillion questions.

thank heavens for cherries!
we snacked on these for days.
they prevented me from any
"hangry" attacks.

looking forward to our next trip
out to the coastal farms.

behind the scenes:
cj with his graflex
ann with her old film Cannon.

all photos take by cj or by me, mostly me. may 2009. marin & sonoma county.

Manifesto Tuesday: seasonal

i'm pretty sure i counted 8 cherry stands over the weekend as we drove through coastal farm country and the epic sierras. they're in season. cherries.
we stopped at the first stand we saw, next to the cheese factory.
people lined up.
i watched birds twitter through the air.
they know a good treat when they see one.
i always listen to the birds.

if cherries are now in season, when am i in season?
or, better yet
what season is it for me?
my professors, my ayurvedic therapist, my husband's co-workers
all tell me it is the season for me to do nothing...
to relax.
here comes the ultimate test:
do i have the guts to be idle?
so far, no.
i am overtaken by little tasks:
researching schools, looking for jobs, reading about farming and prairie dogs.

perhaps i will not be truly in season until i allow
myself to ripen.
i need to hang out some more
until i am in season,
like deep red, sweet
cherries.
to be in season tomorrow,
i must Rest and Ripen today
{my new R&R}

this i believe.

all photos taken by me. may 2009. living room.

memory roses...

photos by me. may 2009. McKinley Park.

my grandpa, newel, has always had roses in his yard. always. there's something about a man who cares for roses, don't you think?
his roses make his yellow-siding home stand out on his 1950s pre-fab street.
most days he simply selects a few roses to be the dinner-table centerpiece.
...

once a year, his roses (all of them) are carefully cut
and placed in green buckets which are then
placed in the back of his "truck."

we drive to cemeteries...in Salt Lake City, UT and
Declo, ID.
the roses are placed with all heart and soul
upon graves of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and children.
if i'm lucky enough to join newel,
i get to hear how his father brought water to
a dry land.
i hear how his mother died when he was only four,
and how it broke his heart,
but oh, how he learned to love his new mother.
he tells us stories that never grow old.
we remember.
then we laugh all the way home,
eating grandma's cookies.

who are you remembering this memorial day weekend?

there are no charts or 8 to 5 in people's hearts and souls. there are only butterflies and a good night's rest.

i quit a job once after working only 5 days. i didn't give them 2 weeks notice. i didn't even call. i simply didn't show up for the 6th day. i received a nasty email from them. i can understand why. but that's the way i had to do it. i think i knew the job wasn't for me when i had to take an hour long test for my first interview. that wise test told my employer that i was a hard worker and not overly dramatic. it somehow knew that i was the perfect candidate for the job. the second interview was face to face. and i honestly thought i'd love the job. and so did they. hired.

but then, on day 4, there was a meeting. with everyone. these happened weekly, and they couldn't be missed. all of us employees were handed a thin packet of papers stapled together. each page had four charts on it, everyone's different. i noticed some people had smiley-face stamps on their charts. others had none. my stomach sank. oh no. they were grading us on how many appointments we had booked, and how much product we had sold in the past week. yup. i was being graded on my willingness to push people to buy something they didn't need. worst nightmare.

some of the employees were having fun with the little competition of counting smiley-faces earned. i told myself, it was all about attitude. i would learn to love the smiley-faces and jump in on the co-worker "comraderie." day 5. couldn't do it. couldn't call co-worker "hun" or "sweetie" like everyone else did in the office. went home that night. cried. went to bed. slept in. spent day 6 at the tea shop. felt good.

now i am a college graduate. took me 9 years. but i did it, and i'm oh so glad i did. last night i looked at craigslist for job listings. made me ill. when did we decide that it was normal to spend 40+ hours a week in drab cubicles in front of computer screens? when did it become normal to repeat the same thing over and over to everyone you talk to on the phone? when did it become normal to graduate from college only to work as a nanny or answering phones all day and filing papers that have nothing to do with anything you love? when did we decide it was normal to work 9-10 hours a day and end each day with watching 2 hours of TV? when did we decide that it was fantasy to actually have a job that you loved? when did we decide that it was fantasy to get paid for making beautiful images or writing what your soul reveals? when did we start valuing cubicles over backyards? when did we decide that plastic "stuff" was more important than vegetables or flowers?

i need a job. but i know my happiness does not reside in a cubicle. but i might have to go there. {please, please, please no!}

image by julia fullerton-batten

i'm posting this here because by posting it i am entered into a contest to win one of these bikes. crossing my fingers. and toes.

enter to win one of these bikes

in july.

the beauty of the desert is like no other

cj and i spent a few days in the desert of southern utah,
courtesy of SUWA.
we met people from new jersey, illinois, idiana, wisconsin, minnesota, colorado, california, and utah.
all of them understand the importance and history of this land.
we want to preserve it for you
and for future generations.

i was oh so grateful to be able to walk through the dry, harsh landscape.
despite the land's tortured climate,
life manages to thrive there.
beating all odds.
it's truly a magical place.

you must visit this place
and feel
its heartbeat.

hasen and i played the guitar and sang around the fire.

the river stole my heart and my soul,
and returned them anew.

water. even in the "desert."
only here do we find gratitude for
such a necessity.

though we spent hours and hours
brainstorming
about how to save this place...

i felt lucky to be far away,
in a place where everything
is real.

best of all,
i was there with ceej.
he bleeds for southern utah.
it has given him life.

all images taken by me or by ceej. may 2009. canyonlands field institute. moab, ut.

soon enough

i've been spending a few days in

beautiful red rock country

in southern utah.

today i say goodbye to the land

i love

and drive across nevada

to end up in sacramento.

i have a lot to tell all of you

of our visit down south.

i'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

print/image by the mythical everrett ruess. (they only recently found his body.)

on best girlfriends...

andrea and i have known each other since age 15...oh, that awkward age!

a week ago i watched a family-home-video of me at that age

and i was amazed that i had any friends at all!

truly embarassing!

despite my obnoxious high school attitude,

andrea shared almost everyday with me...

willingly!

a true friend indeed!

after high school we went our different ways to different universities,

but we hooked up again to teach english in china for 5 months.

what an experience!

i couldn't have made it without her.

now she has a little family:

married to a wonderful boy

with a beautiful baby girl.

thank goodness we are still friends after 12 years!

thanks for letting me take these photos, 'drear!

for a visit

will be spending my morning with celia jane & newel.

they're wearing out.

slowing down.

but celia still laughs

and tells jokes.

newel doesn't bear it as well.

can't blame him.

chronic pain combined

with a fast-paced,

unrecognizable

world.

i'm looking forward to

sitting with them.

"this is what is wrong with us, we are bleeding at the roots."

i have been falling in love with terry tempest williams' new book: finding beauty in a broken world. i have to share some of it with you. you're going to love it too--because you're all such lovely and compassionate people, yes? well, i think so anyways.

"It is not my wrist that bleeds, but my words. Blood. Bloodwork. Perhaps this is the act of writing, of conservation, of trying to make peace with our own contradictory nature. We love the land. We are destroying the land. We are eroding and evolving, at once."

"Our kinship with Earth must be maintained; otherwise, we will find ourselves trapped in the center of our own paved-over souls with no way out."

Q: "What will we lose if prairie dogs disappear from North America?"

A: "In 1950, government agents proposed to get rid of prairie dogs on some parts of the Navajo Reservation in order to protect the roots of sparse desert grasses and thereby maintain some marginal grazing for sheep.

"The Navajo elders objected, insisting, 'If you kill all the prairie dogs, there will be no one to cry for the rain.'

"The amused officials assured the Navajo that there was no correlation between rain and prairie dogs and carried out their plan. The outcome was surprising only to the federal officials. The desert near Chilchinbito, Arizona, became a virtual wasteland. Without the ground-turning process of the burrowing animals, the soil became solidly packed, unable to accept rain. Hard pan. The result: fierce runoff whenever it rained. What little vegetation remained was carried away by flash floods and a legacy of erosion.

"Most people are not comfortable making a connection between racism and specism or the ill treatement of human beings and the mistreatment of animals. We want to keep our boundaries clean and separate. But isn't that the point, to separate, isolate, and discriminate?"

Read this book, you'll love it!

image via here.

ode to idle days...

all photos by me. may 11 2009.

yesterday was mostly spent on the lawn

reading.

i set up my blanket and made sure i had protection from the sun

it was oh so hot

so i was grateful i brought along my hat

and sunglasses

so i could read for hours

i first read through finding beauty in a broken world

by terry tempest williams

then

i read through with a measure of grace

given to me as a graduation present from

two of my favorite people: liv + cody

THANK YOU!

both of these books have inspired me,
and lifted my heart while
lighting a fire beneath me.
there is much to do
and much to love.

here's to being idle!

Manifesto Monday: light

photo by me. graduation party. may 2009.

after four months of 17 credit-hours, and following an intense week of finals, i had a bit of a breakdown. yes, revisiting my detailed class notes, skimming text books, and then organizing all of it into something meaningful and cohesive made my entire body cramp up until my heart felt heavy.

graduation day was an emotional day. i kept holding back tears so that the strangers sitting next to me wouldn't know that i am a sad, sad tear faucet. i cried inside as this beautiful woman (and student) said,

Now is another hour to acknowledge the potential of this present liminal threshold, and make another choice. Bless God for every moment, every trial, every challenged doubt, every brick heavy textbook, every debate, and every heart break. Your very state right now is the culminated future of your history. And blessedly, there's growth to go. Donald Revell said, "The present is prophetic, it presents the future to itself." There is more happening now than your bones readying to stabilize your form so you can culminate this ceremony. Step forward and present the next lesson to itself."

i felt oh so overwhelmed. now what was i supposed to do with my life? all those feelings of inadequacy surrounded my heart and began to strangle it...it was a difficult day. hardly the celebratory feelings i had suspected to have.

thank the heavens ceej had planned a party. the heaviness of the day was starting to really wear on me. as soon as we began to talk with good friends, i began to feel light. i could tell them my fears and worries (which they share), and i felt every doubt leave my bones. i could breathe a bit again. then, came the most healing part of the night: dancing.

oh, how i've missed dancing. i wish there were more classes for adults around. as we moved in silly and, quite honestly, embarassing manners, i began to feel my heart sing. there's something about moving the body spontaneously that makes me feel light and light-hearted. it heals me.

so when i get back to california next week, i am searching high and low for a modern dance class for adults (anyone know of any?). as i search for what to do with my life, i will bring balance to my life through dancing. dancing makes us light. this i believe.

graduation festivities

we started with the graduation festivities early friday morning.

commencement first:

david mccullough was fantastic.

but, the student speaker was absolutely moving.

loved it.

went to brunch

then back for convocation...which was LONG.

so grateful to be here now.

that night we had a party.

there was a bake/cook-off...

i think holly jo won with her delicious brownies.

mmmm.

according to everyone else,

beaux came in a close second with his chicken wings

(which i did not taste, obviously)

i was OH SO TIRED

it was nice to have ceej in town,

he planned the whole party

and did a great job with it.

thanks, ceej!

here's alisa imitating david bowie's

"labyrinth" skills.

pretty good, i think.

then the YELLE dance-off began!!


the mirroring contest was hilarious!
our friends have the BEST dance moves ever!

still mirroring.

cody & ceej mirroring each other.

classic.

holly jo's and hasen's dance routine.

then we had a REVIVAL!

our second annual.

this is the band.

alisa & i enjoyed fillin' the spirit & dancing

hasen had a mighty demon possession...

it was intense!

we couldn't stop lauging!

beaux, cj, and i also competed in the preach-off.

i think we could all enter the ministry tomorrow.

we were pretty darn good.

thanks to everyone who helped put this together,

and to all those who came and participated.

BEST GRADUATION PARTY IN THE WORLD!